When it comes to sex, it seems like everyone is looking for a treasure map to find juusstttt the right spot, the perfect zone, or a specific sensation. The good news: there isn’t an x marks the spot that will tell you the right way to be touched every time. Everyone is different! Sometimes every day is different. More good news: there are some general starting points to help you dip your toes into the pleasure pool.
There isn’t an X marks the spot that will lead you to your most pleasurable spots, which is why exploration is key.
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Erogenous zones are areas of the body that are sensitive and feel erotic. Usually these are areas with a higher concentration of nerves, like the clitoris and the head of the penis. They could also areas that don’t get much attention, and that have not been desensitized, like the earlobes. Finally, erogenous zones can be places that have been conditioned to turn you on; if a lover always nibbles your shoulder when they want to get it on, your shoulder might become an erogenous zone for you.
Let’s plunge into key erogenous zones, where they are, how they work and - best of all - how to play with them! Breaking news: the G-spot really isn’t a spot at all; it’s actually just an area, another erogenous zone. While this area can generally be found on the front wall of the vagina, it is going to be a little different on every body. This is also the area that enables some women to squirt when it’s stimulated.
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Other names for the G-spot, or G-area, that you may have heard are the urethral sponge, the paraurethral glands, and the Gräfenberg spot. It’s easiest to find when you’re aroused because your blood is flowing. This engorges the spongy tissue that the G-spot is comprised of. First, put your fingers into the vagina (I recommend your pointer and middle to start, but do whatever feels comfortable), with your fingertips facing your belly button. Often, the G-spot can be found about one to three inches along the front vaginal wall. Your vaginal wall might be mostly smooth, and then you might hit a bumpy area that’s raised, and it might be roughly the size of a walnut or almond. If that’s the case, you’ve hit your G-spot! Once the blood has filled the spongy tissue that makes up the G-spot, it will be engorged. As C. Murphy so beautifully describes in their article about finding G-spot bliss, “...the usual order of operations for G-spot stimulation is warming up, introduction of the G-spot to stimulation, and then the preferred method of stimulation. Some people skip a step, some really lavish on one particular step, some ejaculate, some orgasm multiple times and some don't orgasm at all.”
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This really depends on your body and what gets you all hot and bothered. Let’s back up a step for one moment: if you don’t really feel the area even after a little foreplay, it’s because everyone’s blood flows a little differently and everyone’s tissue might engorge at varying rates, but if it feels good regardless, please be my guest and continue stimulating this region. One position that can help you find that area is by lying on your back, pulling your knees into your chest, and sliding your fingers inside of your vagina, moving your fingers in a “come hither” motion.
Regardless of whether you can feel the engorged area, most G-spots enjoy some pressure (and always lube). This pressure can come from fingers, penises, or toys: pick your most pleasurable poison. It usually helps if the object applying pressure is curved, more firm, and almost pinpointed to really stimulate the area. Rocking motions can be a great first start as lots of bodies respond positively to repetitive rhythms. The P-spot gets its name because it’s a part of the prostate, which is a muscular gland that surrounds the neck of the bladder on people with penises. Similar to the G-spot, the P-spot is also more of a P-area in a general region of the body. Stimulating the P-spot can elicit intense orgasms, if that’s your goal, and is best accomplished by inserting fingers or a toy into the anus and pushing gently toward the front of the body, in the direction of the belly button.
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Go on a prostate hunt when you’re aroused. This is the easiest way to find it. Insert your finger little by little until you feel a little rough bumpy area just a couple of inches inside your rectum and up towards the root of the penis. If you feel a spongy area, this is your P-spot. Typically it is the size of a walnut in younger folks, but increases in size as people age, and can be as large as a plum. The prostate gland’s primary function is as a paraurethral gland that produces fluid for semen. Stimulation and massage can feel very pleasurable to the P-spot. There tends to be a lot of stigma around anal play, but forget that. If it feels great, why not try it? You’ll want to engage in some sort of foreplay - whether physical or mental (or both) - to arouse your body before you begin. Always, always use lube! I'd suggest something thicker, maybe Sliquid Sassy, and something water-based for beginners so you have more control and less accidental slip. After testing it a few times, I'd recommend a silicone lube, which will be longer lasting, as long as you're not using a silicone toy (silicone on silicone will break each other down). Once you’ve got lube, you can use fingers or toys to stimulate this area of the prostate from inside the anal canal. The reason lubricant is so important is because the anus isn’t elastic and isn’t self-lubricating - lube facilitates an easy glide.
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If you want to use toys to pleasure the P-spot, but don’t know where to start, try something with a firm curve that bends toward the belly once it's inserted into the anus. Here’s a great guide for 10 awesome prostate toys to try.
Anal play shouldn’t hurt if you’re doing it right, and if you’re trying it for the first time, take deep breaths and relax. Relaxation allows your muscles - including the ones around your anus - to relax.
Let’s take one second to test this theory (I promise this is #SFW!): tense your whole body, tense your face muscles, tense your shoulders, tense your abdomen, tense your buttocks, tense your thighs, tense your calves, and tense your toes …
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... now, release!
Were you breathing? So often we get anxious or nervous, and our muscles tense up. Then, before we know it, we aren’t breathing and aren’t even conscious of it. When we’re not breathing, we expend extra energy, and we make it much more difficult to get the anus to open up for us. Deep breaths are calming, and they’re important - pair them with lube, and you’ve got a winning combination for stimulating the P-spot. I have a secret for you. Do you know what your biggest sex organ is? What your most intense erogenous zone is? Hint: everyone has one. Drum-roll .... it’s your brain. When your brain is in the mood, when you feel stimulated and turned on, any part of your body can be an erogenous zone. An erogenous zone is any part of the body that is sensitive to sexual stimulation. Finding erogenous zones is about fining areas of your body that aren’t often touched and eroticizing them. One excellent way to test what zones work for you is to use sensation play: try feathers, different temperatures, pressure, tickling and vibrations across your body. Maybe your toes want to be sucked and you didn’t even know; maybe running silk or feathers across your inner thighs feels amazing; nibbling ears can be erogenous, so can running your fingernails lightly behind the knees, impact play on forearms, warm candle wax drizzled across the back of your neck ... Just think about your skin, about your body - what parts of your body get the least attention? Lots of these areas are rife with nerve-endings, which means they could be erogenous zones for you or your partner. So get creative, give different things a try, and take pleasure in all your discoveries.
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