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The Cuckquean Fantasy: A Comprehensive Guide to Archetypes and Terms

Published: DECEMBER 26, 2023 | Updated: APRIL 18, 2024
Cuckqueaning newbies will appreciate this guide to the language of the lifestyle.

In the great wide world of human sexuality live an array of practices; cuckqueaning is just one of them. I know it well: Cuckqueaning is an integral piece of my sexual identity, providing a path to arousal, pleasure and healing.


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My Cuckqueaning Story

When I discovered this about myself, I was reluctant. You see, when it comes to love and sex, we fear the irrevocable mistake. That is, we worry that one "wrong" choice or a not-so enjoyable experience will destroy an entire relationship. We give sex so much power over our hearts and decisions -- so much so that many of us spend lifetimes ignoring and/or repressing desire so we can “preserve” the love we have.

The problem is, we can’t unlearn what we learn. Being confronted by my desire created a dilemma: Do I spend my life fantasizing over this alone, or do I confide in my husband and move towards pleasure together?

I (we!) chose the latter.


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Exploring this fantasy has come with its blunders. I had to learn in what context my cuckquean fantasy thrives and with which partners. It wasn’t a refined process -- and, yet, each point of error became a learning lesson, a chance to improve.

Understanding one’s pleasure takes practice, and I’ve learned that experimenting with sexuality can be an extraordinary place for growth and deeper connection when approached with care.

As a cuckquean, I started paying attention to the many ways my fantasy could be conducted, and how each scenario made me feel. This led to three categories:


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  • Arouse: Scenarios I knew turned me on.

  • Neutral: Interactions I’d have to test to know if I truly liked them.

  • Retreat: Scenarios I knew turned me off.


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It was easy to cross the "retreat" items off our list; however, the "neutral" scenarios held potential and required me to take measured actions (as to not overwhelm or expose me to situations that were, in fact, "retreat"-worthy). The arousing scenarios, on the other hand, simply required planning.

So, I got to work.

What is a cuckquean?

What is a cuckquean and what is the role it plays in my life and that of others?


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To put it simply, a cuckquean is typically a woman in a hetero relationship who takes pleasure in watching (or knowing about) her partner’s sexual interactions with other women. You may be more familiar with the male version, the cuckold.

The cuckquean’s pleasure is often derived from the illusion that the partner (traditionally, the husband) is having an affair; however, the cuckquean is complicit in said affair.

Renowned American author, journalist and LGBTQ+ community activist Dan Savage explains that the key difference between a hot husband fetishist (who finds arousal in sharing their husband) and a cuckquean (who derives sexual gratification from her husband's affair with another woman) lies in the element of arousal through humiliation.


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Being a cuckquean involves a desire for your partner to engage with others sexually, coupled with a simultaneous experience of feeling a sense of degradation through that engagement. This, of course, can take many forms.

Although there is no definitive reasoning behind why people become a cuckquean, the rule of thumb is simple:

Embrace the pleasure! If it brings joy to you and all parties involved, refrain from judgment and savor the experience!

On a personal level, realizing I'm a cuckquean has brought about positive changes in my life that extend beyond the realm of sexuality. This journey has compelled me to address aspects of myself - like people-pleasing and difficulty saying "no" - that don't contribute to my well-being.

This journey has compelled me to address aspects of myself - like people-pleasing and difficulty saying "no" - that don't contribute to my well-being.

Embracing my cuckquean fantasy means no longer sacrificing my joy for others, as it proved detrimental to my self-esteem. Cuckqueaning, much like any authentic desire, can serve as a tool and pathway for personal growth and healing.

Read: Ethical Non Monogamy: How to Make it Work

Types of Cuckqueans

Cuckqueans are like snowflakes - although the anatomy is analogous, the form is unique.

As someone who has written specifically and extensively about this fetish, as well as coached fellow cuckqueans, I’ve defined seven archetypes to help the uncrowned quean explore their desire and serve as a pathway to self-awareness.

These archetypes can provide insight into one’s desires and guide you in understanding the role you most crave within the cuckquean fantasy. By recognizing that not all cuckqueans are alike, the exploration becomes an exciting self-discovery experiment. Whether you lean towards a dominant archetype, a combination of several, or your preferences evolve over time, these archetypes act as guideposts to illuminate your unique path to pleasure.

Submissive Cuckquean

In a D/s setting, the submissive cuckquean willingly relinquishes control, often with a fetish for humiliation, taking orders, and/or engaging in service.


Potential Involvement in Affair:

  1. Takes verbal cues or humiliation from the hot husband and/or cuckcake.

  2. Assumes the role of a "third wheel" or lowest in the D/s hierarchy when the cuckcake is present.

  3. May act as a liaison between the hot husband and cuckcake.

Dominant Cuckquean

Similar to a D/s dynamic, the dominant cuckquean assumes a leadership role, consensually facilitating the hot husband and/or cuckcake dynamic.

Potential Involvement in Affair:

  1. Directs and/or facilitates a sexual scene involving the hot husband and cuckcake.

  2. Co-dominates the hot husband or cuckcake.

  3. Assigns the cuckcake as the role of dominant during cuckquean scenes.

Voyeuristic Cuckquean

The voyeuristic cuckquean takes pleasure in observing intimate engagements. They enjoy watching the hot husband and cuckcake, without necessarily participating.

Potential Involvement in Affair:

  1. Watches the hot husband and cuckcake in the same room.

  2. Watches/facilitates the hot husband and cuckcake in a virtual setting.

  3. Consensually conceals presence and plays the role of a "peeping Tom."

Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell Cuckquean

This cuckquean archetype is aware of hot husband's sexual relationships but prefers not to know the details.


Potential Involvement in Affair:

  1. Consents to hot husband's affairs without requesting details.

  2. Is aroused knowing something could be happening without it being disclosed.

Tell-Me-Everything Cuckquean

This type of cuckquean takes pleasure in knowing and requires details of the hot husband's sexual activities.

Potential Involvement in Affair:

  1. Hot Husband shares sexual activities in neutral or sexual settings.

  2. Receives updates from cuckcake about experiences with the hot husband.

Possible-Participant Cuckquean

This type of cuckquean is interested in participating with the hot husband and cuckcake, with the option of turning it into a threesome.

Potential Involvement in Affair:

  1. Assumes the role of the cuckquean, with the anticipation of potentially participating with consenting partners, turning the dynamic into a threesome.

  2. Actively engages with the cuckcake to communicate, coordinate and establish expectations regarding a potential threesome.

Read: Finding and Caring for a Third in a Threesome: A Unicorn Guide

Wing Quean

Takes pleasure in the hunt and participates in the selection/intro process between the hot husband and their partners.

Involvement in Affair:



  1. Engages in the selection process at a bar or on an online dating site.

  2. Facilitates introductions between the hot husband and selected partners.

  3. Engages in the planning phase, coordinating events or scenarios where the hot husband can meet potential partners.

Cuckqueaning Terms to Know

While pursuing the cuckquean fantasy, it’s important to understand related concepts and vernacular.

Presented below is a foundational list of terms and concepts associated with this fetish - it is by no means exhaustive! Continuously educate yourself on the intricacies of the fetish, its best practices, and evolving terminology as both you and the fantasy progress.

Aftercare

The practice of providing emotional and physical support to partners after engaging in BDSM or other intimate activities.

Communication

Open and effective exchange of thoughts, feelings and desires between partners to ensure mutual understanding and consent before, during, and after intimate activities.

Compersion

A positive emotional state derived from witnessing one's partner experience joy or pleasure, especially in non-monogamous relationships.

Cuckold

A man whose wife or partner engages in sexual activities with another person, often with the husband's knowledge and consent.

Cuckqueen vs Cuckquean

Cuckqueen refers to a woman who enjoys watching her partner with others, while cuckquean is a term used interchangeably but, to some, may emphasize the degradation aspect of the role.

Personal Note: I gravitate towards the term "cuckquean" as opposed to "cuckqueen" due to the historical connotations of "quean" (with an "a"), an archaic term signifying a "badly behaved woman" or "whore." Embracing this term is my way of reclaiming and transforming the once-degrading label of "whore" into a symbol of sexual empowerment.

Hotwife/hothusband

Typically a woman-identifying (hotwife) or man-identifying (hot husband) person, the hotwife/hot husband is allowed or encouraged to have sexual encounters with others outside their primary relationship.

Jealousy

In the context of the cuckquean dynamic, jealousy is a heightened emotional response to the prospect of sharing one's partner, which may be rooted in the complex interplay of desire, possessiveness and anticipation. Jealousy in this context can be perplexing, encompassing both elements of pain and pleasure.

Read: How Can I Eliminate Jealousy in My Cuckquean Relationship?

Safe Word/Gesture

A pre-agreed upon word or signal used to communicate the need to stop or adjust activities during an intimate activity or BDSM scene.

Trust

In the context of the cuckquean dynamic, trust is the establishment of reliance and confidence in a partner's integrity, reliability and commitment, achieved through thorough communication, negotiation, and agreement on terms. This foundation ensures a positive and consensual experience for all involved parties.

Uncrowned (Cuck)quean

Refers to an individual with a cuckquean fetish who has yet to engage in a cuckquean scene, akin to being a newcomer or "cuckquean virgin" in the context of such experiences.

Read: Mild to Extreme: 10 Exercises for the Uncrowned Cuckquean

Prioritize Pleasure

Pleasure is a unique experience, so as you travel down this path, take these reminders with you:

  • There’s no obligation to live out your fantasies. For some people, fantasy is enough. It can be exciting to speak to your partner(s) about hypothetical situations you find sexy without needing to fulfill them. Take time exploring whether the execution of the fantasy is as exciting as the fantasy itself. There is no pressure either way.
  • Always go as slow as the slower partner. It takes time to work through emotional blocks like jealousy or guilt. We’ve each had a specific education on sex and relationships that could stall the speed at which these steps can be taken. Always take the slower partner's pace and continue to communicate.
  • Desire can change. What your fantasy looks like at the beginning of this process may take an entirely different form by the end of it. Accessing this part of ourselves opens us to experiences we may not have known otherwise. So, don’t get hung up on these changes. Continue to honor your needs as they come and remember the second point on this list: Always go at the slower partner's pace.
  • Check in at every stage. This is a process, so ensuring everyone is comfortable is critical. If something doesn’t feel right, speak up about it and make the proper adjustments so you can continue forward.
  • You can stop at any time. Whether it’s a temporary pause, or you’ve discovered the fantasy is better left as that -- a fantasy -- that’s cool! Don’t be hard on yourself or your partner if this happens. Take the best from the experience and move on.

And, most importantly,

  • You do not have to navigate this alone! Hiring a sex or relationship coach or counsellor can be hugely beneficial when changing the structure of your relationship and navigating desires. This is unconventional territory, whether us queans (and Hot Husbands) like it or not. Whatever makes the process smoother and more enjoyable for everyone involved, well, that’s the right way. And, lucky for you, there are licensed therapists who specialize in these areas. You can find them through AASECT.org and NCSFreedom.org

Learn to prioritize pleasure and savor each step.

Ready to explore?

Pursuing the cuckquean fantasy can be both thrilling and daunting, especially when faced with uncertainty and a lack of guidance.

In our own exploration, my husband and I encountered these challenges and learned valuable lessons, prompting us to share our experiences with uncrowned queans and hot husbands alike.

Whether you're a novice or looking to enhance your cuckquean lifestyle, below are resources that will assist you on your unique path. If you're ready to embrace the cuckquean fantasy, we've got you covered!

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Quean Mo

Quean Mo is a sex and relationship blogger, with a leaning towards kink, ethical sex tourism, and her cuckquean lifestyle. Her passion is creating space for people to accept their desires and find freedom through self-discovery. She is based on the Côte d’Azur with her French husband, where they’re always plotting their next adventure.

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