RELATIONSHIPS

Finding and Caring for a Third in a Threesome: A Unicorn Guide

by QUEAN MO

Published: OCTOBER 28, 2021

Reviewed by Dr. Laura McGuire

on October 22, 2021

While "threesome" can be high on many people's fantasy list, the fact remains that a third is a person (even if referred to as a unicorn) and their feelings and well-being should be addressed. Adding a third for a threesome requires thoughtful care!

Threesomes are one of the most common fantasies amongst couples. Whether you have a lifestyle as unconventional as mine as a cuckquean, or you are simply looking to spice up your relationship, there is an etiquette to be adhered to when bringing in a third party.

Because sexuality remains taboo in regular social settings, it can be difficult to uncover the unwritten rules without jumping right in. The main issue with this is, by creating a hands-on, learn-as-you-go experience, the third party is oftentimes left feeling like an experimental pleasure prop (a.k.a.: used).

My responsibility to my sexual partners is to ensure their pleasure is a priority, that they feel safe, heard, and respected. My job as a sex writer is to communicate with you, dear reader, how you can assume the same responsibility for yours.

How to Meet a Unicorn

Before we delve into the how, let’s discuss the who of the threesome.

As a cuckquean, the people we bring into our relationship are compatible with that fantasy. They usually define themselves as cuckcakes, as they take pleasure in sleeping with my husband with my knowledge and in my presence. We tend to meet these individuals at bars or in sexual atmospheres, like sex clubs or private sex-related events.

Read: Cuckqueans: Myth or Reality?

Threesomes, however, are not exclusive to the cuckquean fantasy, and can differ greatly in logistics. In today’s world, there are a myriad of ways to find a third – oftentimes known as a unicorn. There are apps such as 3Fun, 3Way, Feeld, 3Somer, or platforms that attract a diverse range of people and kinks, such as FetLife.

Hiring a sex worker to fulfill this fantasy is a viable option. In many places there are laws that govern sex work and you may have to consider your feelings about this. For some people, it may feel like the only option, and that’s okay. Having a professional navigate this new territory with you can be quite reassuring, even liberating. Just remember, whether your unicorn is a pro or not, they should receive the same courtesy, respect, and empathy as your primary partner.

What Are You Looking for as a Couple?

It’s important for the couple to talk about what type of person they’d like to have the threesome with and what they want exactly. This will help determine which desires each of you are looking to fulfill, and the compatibilities you seek in a third. Some great questions you and your partner should ask yourselves/each other are:

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What is so appealing about finding a unicorn?
What specific things would you love to see/do with a third involved?
How do you see the experience unfolding?
What things are completely off limits?

Communicating with the Third

In the wise words of Emily Morse, “communication is lubrication.” What that means is, the more you communicate with your third about sex, the smoother (and better) the experience will be. Why? Because it eliminates incompatible partners and guesswork with those you do pursue a sexual relationship with.

Here is a simple guide on when and how to communicate with your third, keeping in mind that every party’s voice should be heard.

Read: A Polyamory Toolkit: 5 Tips for Managing Your Relationships

Before the Threesome

Determining likes and limits

Get to know what your unicorn likes, as well as their limits. Ask about physical abilities and triggers, and share yours. Practice active listening by acknowledging these things verbally. Ensure you have a shared definition of what each person means when they say things like "threesome" or "kinky" or "cuckqueen fantasy." Knowing what each party is looking for will help navigate the process and keep you from awkward sexual encounters with those whom you don’t jive with.

If you’ve hired a sex worker, ask them their process, and what their expectations are of you (yes, including payment!). Share any expectations you may have and allow them to express their feelings on those. Remember they are offering their time and body, so maintain professionalism and respect.

Safety and Protection

It's always important to speak about safety, emotional and physical.

Come up with a “check-in” system that ensures enthusiastic consent throughout the experience. Many sexual health advisers suggest the “stoplight system” as an easy form of communication during sexual experiences. Green means everything is fine and it’s safe to continue; yellow could mean slow down, be cautious, or perhaps it’s time to switch things up; red is a hard stop. This requires tailoring to best suit your situation. If your third is a sex worker, they may have a preferred system - let them share it with you.

I also suggest choosing a word that can be used to indicate the need for a break. My husband and I use the word “Niagara,” as it is clearly distinguishable between intimate sounds and expressions. If verbal communication is going to be impeded (with a gag or during oral sex, for example) a safe signal - a gesture that is tough to miss, like dropping some coins or a set of keys, is a good idea to have in place.

Keep in mind that putting such a system safeguards the physical and emotional wellbeing of each party.

Secondly, make sure you communicate and have STI and pregnancy prevention measures in place.

Logistics of a Threesome

If you and your partner have found the perfect third, and are excited to move forward, here are a few details you should consider:

Who will be hosting the main event? Is your third more comfortable being on their own territory?
Do you have any activities planned beforehand – maybe a threeway dinner date?
What is everyone’s availability and are their time restraints? For example, will you have a sleepover? Does someone have to pick up the kids in three hours or work early the next day?
Is everyone up to speed on boundaries and expectations?
Is this a one-time only event, or are you hoping to make it a regular thing?
Hygiene, hygiene, hygiene!

During the Threesome

Communication during sex can feel tricky. This is where your pre-established check-in system comes in. Every so often, see how your third is doing and if they need anything. A simple, “is everyone having a good time?” or “what light are we all at?” could suffice.

Additionally, I suggest keeping spare condoms and lube close by.

Read: I Had My First Threesome at 48 and Learned 5 Things

Aftercare

This time is critical to ensure that the unicorn doesn’t feel used. Whether or not the person is providing a paid service, it’s important to continue the communication, ensure they had a good time, and remain open to them physically and emotionally.

Depending on the sexual experience (for example, vanilla versus BDSM), your third may require a different level of aftercare. Don’t hesitate to offer compliments and appreciation, drinks and cuddles, and keep dialogue open about the experience.

If your third party is a sex worker, adhering to their post-sex protocols (if any) is critical in maintaining a professional relationship, as well as respecting their process.

The Bottom Line

Respect and empathy go a long way!

With every sexual experience is the opportunity to discover more about yourself, your partner, and the people you let into your bed. Take care of each other, behave, and have fun!

Quean Mo

Quean Mo is a sex and relationship blogger, with a leaning towards kink, ethical sex tourism, and her cuckquean lifestyle. Her passion is creating space for people to accept their desires and find freedom through self-discovery. She is based on the Côte d’Azur with her French husband, where they’re always plotting their next adventure.