Ethical Non Monogamy and Trust: How to Make it Work

During a recent conversation with a friend, I was asked what trust looks like in my relationship. As a strictly monogamous person, she had trouble understanding the difference between infidelity and non-monogamy.

You see, when people discover that I’m in an ethical non-monogamous relationship with my husband, they lean in, a little more curious and hella skeptical. Luckily, I’ve had these conversations enough to know where the doubts tend to lie: monogamy programming, insecurity, and fear – all of which can be experienced separately or subsequently.

One of the greatest misconceptions about non-monogamy is that it plays as an infinite get-out-of-jail-free-card. In truth, ethical non-monogamy (ENM), by its very nature, offers exactly the opposite. No misconducts are committed against the relationship because knowledge and consent are ubiquitous.

Ethical non-monogamy is not a one-size-fits-all relationship structure. It is a spectrum, ranging from monogamish to polyamorous. Regardless of where any of us fall on the ENM scale, trust and integrity are fundamental to our relationships’ success, as they are foundational elements for emotional safety and wellbeing.

But how do we maintain these things?

How can we uphold integrity and trust when the person we love is having relations with others?

How to Practice Ethical Non Monogamy

This may feel like broken record advice but having open and honest communication with your partner is quite literally the only way to create transparency, and therefore establish parameters and trust.

Being open about our emotional and physical needs is paramount to our individual happiness.

This information helps us gauge whether a partner is compatible, while simultaneously permitting that partner to fulfill their responsibilities within the relationship. When applied to ENM relationships, this also impacts the parameters in which that relationship exists.

Read Next: Confessions of a Cuckquean: It's Not All Rainbows and Unicorns

Setting Parameters

People who are in an ethical non-monogamous relationship negotiate and establish certain parameters that respect the boundaries and needs of those involved.

By negotiating parameters, each partner can move forward with clarity and ease. If any new situations arise that have not been previously discussed, intentionally putting time aside to address them together will maintain the emotional integrity of the relationship. Additionally, check-ins are frequent, and renegotiations are expected.

Here is what some parameter-setting questions look like:

• Is the current relationship the primary relationship?
• Or are you pursuing multiple relationships that are of equal priority?
• What counts as infidelity in this relationship?
• Are you and your partner looking to keep the relationship emotionally exclusive, but sexually open? What does your open relationship look like in terms of emotional and physical availability to each other versus others?
• Are there certain sexual or emotional boundaries required?
• How often can sex with other people occur? Is there a limit to the number of partners you and your partner can pursue? Are sleepovers allowed? Are certain people, occasions, or places off limits?
• How much do you and your partner(s) share with each other?
• Do you and your partner prefer a don’t-ask-don’t-tell ENM relationship? If not, what details do you feel you should disclose versus not (if any)?
• What non-negotiable measures will be taken to ensure the sexual safety and pregnancy prevention of all parties.
• Who do you want knowing (or not knowing) about your ENM relationship?

Especially when you’re first opening your relationship, it’s important to establish boundaries around who you disclose this information to. Having other people’s voices or opinions in your head while trying to find your bearings in this new territory can be super distracting. Ensure you prioritize a level of discretion that feels comfortable for the both of you.

Read Next: Why Don't Ask/Don't Tell Relationships are a Terrible Idea (From Someone Who's Been There)

The Green Monster: Ethical Non-Monogamy Jealousy

Jealousy is an unpleasant, albeit inevitable emotion. The pain it conjures prevents people from even considering ethical non-monogamy as a viable option for their relationship.

But what if I told you that jealousy can be a tool to get to know yourself better and increase the connection between you and your partner?

Jealousy can be a sign of low self-esteem or mistrust in your partner. Reflecting on your own self-worth may be beneficial, as it can reveal underlying preconceptions that may be hindering your ability to pursue the relationship structure you truly desire.

If your self-esteem is intact, but you still experience jealousy, I recommend looking at the quality of your relationship.

As mentioned in my previous article on jealousy, start paying attention to your partner’s attitudes and behaviors. Notice if they go out of their way to put you in emotionally compromising situations, or whether they exhibit toxic behaviors that provoke jealousy. These are signs of an emotionally unsafe relationship and should be addressed.