The Joy of Finding Your Fetish

Keeping in mind that it’s hard to generalize about anything – especially when it involves human sexuality – three questions came to mind when I read the title "The Joy of Finding Your Fetish":

1. What is a fetish?
2. Why should I find mine?
3. How do I find it?

What is a fetish?

The first question is probably the most obvious: what exactly is a fetish? I sincerely hope you didn’t jump to Wikipedia or Merriam-Webster's for an answer because while they, and other online resources, are technically correct that a fetish can be “an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification,” sometimes to a point where it’s necessary to feel arousal.

This is not how it’s commonly used in many sexuality-related communities.

Rather, fetishism is extended much more broadly, becoming a term for having a healthy erotic interest in anything. For example, you could say you have a fetish for latex clothing, sex toys, vintage porn, body modification, or performing oral sex (just to name a few).

More importantly, it’s a positive and even self-affirming term in that it’s a part—sometimes a big part—of what turns you on, but not the only way. This definition, is unlike the pedantic and, let’s be honest here, judgemental definitions used elsewhere.

Read: Culture and Fetishes: What's the Connection?

Why is finding your fetish good for you?

The subhead above kind of gave it away, but the second question that probably came to mind is just that: why should I explore fetishes as potential new sources of sexual pleasure?

The answer is pretty simple, although it’s not something many us may be willing to admit. Everything, even really enjoyable activities like sex, can get a little stale over time unless we spice things up a bit.

When it comes to sex, this can be anything from trying out new positions, giving BDSM play a whirl, or shopping for a new sex toy. However, often these kinds of things don’t get to the core of things: our minds—and how we think about what turns us on.

Which, ta-da, can be done by exploring new erotic, sexual, and sensual venues. Sure, some might leave you cold, but there’s a good chance that one (or many!) will be just the thing to open up entirely new worlds of arousal.

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How do you find your fetish?

And now we come to our third question. Now that you understand what a fetish is, and why finding yours can add an added extra thrill to your sexual activities, where do you go from there?

Well, it might go something like this: Being a fan of the steampunk aesthetic (the science fiction subgenre with a distinct Victoriana-bent) you sample the genre's erotica. You enjoy it so much that you try your hand at writing your own. From there, perhaps you branch out to finding sexual excitement in dressing like your characters and engaging in role-play, or even with your own version of BDSM power exchange dynamics.

Perhaps this path could lead to discovering you really get turned on by dreaming up steam-powered sex toys, which then goes to more modern varieties used with a dash of play-acting.

[Learn more about BDSM by joining the community at THE CAGE.]

The bottom line is that to do this kind of arousing discovery takes two things:

1. Let Go of Expectations

Let go of expectations and just have fun engaging in some erotic play. If something you try doesn’t turn you on then don’t worry, that doesn’t mean anything—only that it may not be for you.

Similarly, if you find something that does push your erotic buttons, that doesn’t mean you’re a freak or anything negative like that. As long as whatever you find involves consensual activities, and doesn’t get in the way of maintaining your day-to-day life, then it’s perfectly fine.