How do I deal with hot husband guilt?


When friends or readers discover my cuckquean fantasy, my husband is met with praise and envy, yet there’s very little discourse (or empathy) surrounding the discomfort these experiences may conjure. There is, and has been for a long time, an admiration of men who “get women” by other men.

And yet, this is the most common question I receive from my male readership about the cuckquean fantasy. Guilt, I’ve learned, is a frequently experienced, yet unspoken about, self-conscious emotion in the realm of ethical non-monogamy.

Hot husbands are worried about hurting their partners and ruining their relationships! And the first thing I say to this is: "Bravo!"

Although it isn’t a pleasant feeling, that guilt signals an opportunity for deeper reflection and growth.

First and foremost, it’s critical to explore your guilt. Ask yourself:

  • What is your guilt telling you?
  • What beliefs is it attached to?
  • Do those beliefs belong to you specifically, or were they absorbed and reaffirmed over time from external sources?

READ: Healing from Purity Culture.

For instance, feeling guilty about being with someone other than your significant other could be a result of monogamy programming. Many of us grew up in an environment with two parents who, to our knowledge, were devoted to each other. Period. We were never role modelled alternative relationship structures such as polyamory. For this reason, pursuing a connection outside our primary relationship -- be it emotional, sexual, or both -- is oftentimes met with resistance. The key here is to reflect on what’s creating that resistance and to take steps to reconstruct those beliefs based on your core values and life needs.

One way to begin this process is to trust your significant other and their desire for you to have relations with other women. This is not a test! There is no trickery here. Your partner has a yearning and you are the major component to its fulfilment. If you want to partake in this fantasy, you have to believe her when she says she wants it.

Then, communicate!

READ: The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking About Sex.

Share your fear and guilt with your significant other. Let them reassure you and reaffirm their turn-on. And keep believing them. Let their excitement excite you and assist in the reconstruction of your core beliefs around sex, love and relationships. If you need to, keep a journal. Write down what you feel is holding you back and counter it with evidence you’ve received from the opposing position. Reread these entries when in doubt.

For example, when my partner James felt guilt around my cuckquean fantasy, he started placing more merit on my attitudes than his resistant thoughts. When his brain said, “This can’t be real, this isn’t how relationships work,” he’d lean into my contrasting positive reactions: “I would love to see you and her together!”

Let your partner’s fantasy be an expander for you.

Lastly, take your time. Follow these steps at your own pace. Get comfortable in your role as hot husband from a distance first, and let your partner’s pleasure be your compass. Check-in often, pause at any time, and lean on professionals (i.e., a sex therapist) when needed.


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