The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking About Sex

Research has found that couples that talk about sex have more satisfying sex lives, but what if you’re feeling shy? Most of us grew up with parents who rarely if ever mentioned sex, and in movies and porn, it often seems to happen with little dialogue. Many of us don’t have a model of how to talk about sex, and some people even consider it a turn-off.

But there’s no denying that talking about sex is key to improving the kind of pleasure you’re having.

Break the ice and talk about what you like and what you don’t like, and your partner gets to know the real you, instead of using guesswork to find out what gives you pleasure. Talking about fantasies can also be the first step to bringing them into reality.

Here are some tips to help the shyest lovers get talking to each other.

Decide on Your Goal

What is it you hope to gain from your conversation? Do you want more sex, less sex, or a different kind of sex? Do you want to open up about issues such as trauma, or changes in your sexuality after childbirth or medical procedures?

Self-love coach, Sarah Adefehinti, says that the first step is to get clear on what you want from the conversation. She says:

"Knowing exactly what your needs are and why they exist will help you get to the root of the issue and help you better communicate with your partner. What do you need exactly to make sex a better experience? Think about this from all angles - what could you personally change to make things feel better? What could your partner do differently that would help? Whether it's foreplay, slowing down, or a different type of technique,. Often our experiences in sex are affected by our wider relationship with our partner and with ourselves. Does something need to change outside of the bedroom, within yourself or your relationship?"

One way to prepare for your conversation is to journal your thoughts on what you hope to get out of the conversation, what you might say, and your ideal outcome.

Read: Sex Communication 101

Dealing With Your Own Feelings

There’s no easy way to begin talking about sex if you aren’t used to it. You may have been avoiding it, because of the uncomfortable feelings that come up, even at the thought of speaking up.

It can be helpful just to own the feelings, and be honest. Sex and relationship writer and coach, Stef Osofsky, recommends that you ‘’own your own humanness. If you’re nervous to talk about it, say so! Being courageous enough to tell the truth gives everyone in the arena permission to do the same.’’

Osofsky suggests opening with something like:

"Hey, I’m working on being more direct when it comes to talking about sex. It still makes me feel a little nervous and vulnerable. Can I share some things I’m thinking with you?"

Read: Better Sex: 10 Things to Start Doing Right Now

To Plan or Not to Plan

Sexologist and co-founder of Sextopedia, Robert Thomas, says that we should plan carefully when to have the conversation so that it happens at the right time and place.

"Make sure you don’t catch your partner off guard. It may make them shut down completely or go into defense mode."

However Myi Baker, Sexpert and founder of Lady Luxxxe, recommends a more casual approach. She says: