Healing from Purity Culture

If you grew up in the 1990s or early 2000s in the United States then you grew up with, at minimum, a passing relationship with Purity Culture. Purity Culture was the massive wave of social, political, and religious energy that focused on convincing teens and young adults that the ultimate danger and sin in the world was sex.

Schools hosted seminars, true-love-waits rings were worn, and pledges of abstinence were made. Abstinence was sold as the only viable option; sex would destroy your mind, make you undesirable to a future spouse, and lead to a life full of STDs and unplanned pregnancy.

Read: What It's REALLY Like to Wait Until Marriage to Have Sex

One of the most popular books on this subject was ‘I Kissed Dating Good-Bye’ by Joshua Harris. The 21-year-old aspiring pastor wrote an in-depth guide to how to never date again, save everything (including kissing) for marriage, and be in God’s good favor to find your soulmate. Eventually, Harris started to reflect on exactly how little he knew about these topics and how many of his messages were weaponized. He even created a documentary called “I Survived I Kissed Dating Good-Bye” which brought back a flood of memories for me when I watched it.

Purity Culture Is Often Used as a Tool of Abuse Against Survivors

I grew up in purity culture. At 11, I began attending events where I signed pledges to wait until marriage to have sex. I wore three rings on my ring finger that read true, love, and waits. I believed that I was responsible for not tempting boys to sin with my ever emerging curves. I was told I didn’t need to know anything about sex until college. I started having sex at 14. Oops.

As a sexologist who specializes in sexual trauma, I have seen purity used as a tool for abuse against survivors. When abstinence educators took a piece of tape and had everyone hold it, or chewed a piece of gum asking who else would eat it (real teaching methods used) what they told survivors was that their assault made them physical and spiritual trash. I brought this up to chaplains who replied, “Oh yes, I would discuss purity that way if I know someone is a victim.” I asked how they think they would know if someone was a victim. Their response? "I just would."

Purity Culture Perpetuates Shame

Mayla Green, sex and relationship expert, shares how she noticed the purity culture narratives affecting her clients. Purity culture put so much focus, power, and importance on sex that even after getting married, the shame never went away.

“Several years ago, men would contact me and ask questions about how to enjoy sex. They would tell me they love their wife, but are not having fun in the bedroom. I would suggest toys and fun ideas to try, they would say there is no way their wife would ever try a toy.”

Read: 10 Ways Sex Toys Can Help You Drop Guilt and Sexual Shame