Open relationships

How to Find a Threesome: The Ultimate Guide

Published: NOVEMBER 7, 2023
Threesomes are a hot - and very common - fantasy. How to find a threesome and make it a reality involves knowing where to look, knowing how to act and knowing how to stay safe.

Threesomes are an incredibly common fantasy. According to a survey by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, multi-partner sex was found to be one of the most common fantasies overall. Even so, many folks struggle when it comes to bringing this fantasy to reality. Part of what’s tricky about making a threesome happen is the same thing that makes the idea so hot - it involves an extra person or two. That means if you want to bring this fantasy to life, there are some serious logistical hurdles to conquer.


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Now, I know a thing or three about threesomes. I’ve been a part of more than I can count, and I literally wrote the book on threesomes: "The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes." But if you’re interested in getting started on threesome hunting right now, you’re in luck. Below you'll find some of my best advice for finding a threesome partner, as well as tips and advice from other threesome experts. You'll also find great advice in online dating communities, such as AdultFriendFinder, which bring like-minded individuals who are looking to explore beyond monogamy together.

Read: Your First Time in a Threesome: What You Should Know

How to Prepare for a Threesome

Deciding to have a threesome is exciting stuff! But in order for it to be successful for everyone involved, it’s important to do some planning before you start partner hunting. For starters, you need “open and honest communication between all parties involved,” says Heather McPherson, licensed marriage and family therapist supervisor and the CEO & founder of the Sexual Health Alliance. “Having each person think about what their intentions are for the experience is important. Get clear and detailed about your individual desires, boundaries and expectations,” she said.


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This conversation about expectations is a great way to make sure everyone involved is on the same page. It's also an important reality check. Real-life threesomes are different from fantasies because with real people involved, everyone’s desires and boundaries matter, not just those of the person with the fantasy.


This is doubly true if your threesome fantasies are specific; for example, if there’s a particular position (maybe double penetration?) that you’ve been dreaming about. “You need to think about what you want in regards to pleasure in your sexual experience. Whether this is certain acts or things you want to do, you should make this clear when you are communicating to the other potential lovers in your threesome,” says Marla Renee Stewart, certified sexologist, sexual strategist, author at Velvet Lips and co-founder of the Sex Down South Conference.

Read: Finding and Caring for a Third in a Threesome

Threesomes for Existing Couples

Threesome configurations come in many combinations. From three single folks joining up, to an individual joining a couple. But when it comes to threesome planning, the majority of questions I get in my coaching practice and in threesome classes are from existing couples interested in adding a third. If this is your situation, you’ve got some extra planning and negotiation to do before a third person is added to the mix.


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Read: 12 Threesome Terms You Need to Know

“When couples are preparing for a threesome it is vital they discuss their limits, desires and concerns,” says Alise Lindsey, therapist and owner of Enhancing Success Counseling. “These discussions shouldn't happen all at once, but over time so that each person can really reflect on their thoughts and feelings and also receive and process their partners' feedback,” she says.

How to Find a Threesome Partner Online

The internet in general, and dating sites and apps in particular, have made finding threesome partners much easier. In fact, AdultFriendFinder has helped millions of people connect with everything from traditional partners to threesomes and swingers’ groups. Although threesomes are a common fantasy, they're a niche enough interest that it's nice to be able to filter for other folks with similar desires. It makes the hunt much easier - and it means you’re not bothering folks who aren’t at least potentially interested.


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Your best bet is to focus on websites and dating apps that cater to threesomes or other open relationships. “Finding a threesome or ethical non-monogamy partner often involves exploring specialized dating apps and websites tailored to open relationships and polyamorous lifestyles,” says McPherson.

Want to see what potential partners might exist in your area? Set up an account at AdultFriendFinder to connect with others who are interested in group sex.

What to Have On Your Profile

First and foremost, be up-front about what you’re looking for. Bait-and-switch tactics are one of the many dishonest behaviors that give so-called "unicorn hunters" a bad name. Not only is the connection likely to blow up in your face once the other person realizes they’ve been manipulated, but getting off to a dishonest start all but guarantees problems down the line- if, by some miracle, you get as far as meeting up.


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So what do you actually say? Admit that you’re interested in a threesome! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - threesomes are a common fantasy. That means plenty of other people share your fantasy, and online spaces are a great way to find them.

How to Connect With Like-Minded People

Most apps and websites have built-in ways to indicate your interests. From stating your relationship status and sexuality to itemizing your fantasies, use these tools to your advantage. Depending on the site you’re using, you may be able to search and sort by these interests, or you may simply keep an eye out for matching fantasies as you’re browsing.Keep in mind that a willingness to have a threesome is not the only factor that matters when it comes to finding a threesome partner. You also need to be generally compatible as human beings. So don’t ignore your usual list of must-haves and deal breakers as you’re browsing profiles. If someone would be a bad fit for a one-on-one date, they shouldn’t get a pass just because they’re game for a threesome.

Safety Tips When Finding a Threesome Online

Online dating can be daunting, and safety concerns keep some people offline. But while nothing is ever 100% safe, there’s a lot you can do to make online dating safer.


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Trust Your Gut

As you look at profiles, and especially once you start chatting online, trust your gut. “When having conversations, look for green and red flags; even if this is a casual encounter there is a level of emotional safety required and a high level of physical safety necessary,” Lindsey said. If something doesn’t feel right, shut it down. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, so don’t let a fear of scarcity make you compromise your safety.

Protect Personal Information

It’s amazing how much detail can sneak into small talk. But think twice about sharing where you work, or any details about where you live. You probably don’t want to give out your last name at first, either, and maybe not even your phone number. Consider creating an email address specifically for online dating, or perhaps using a Google Voice number or anonymous messaging app.

Meet in Public

A first meeting should always be in a public place. Ideally, choose a spot that you’re familiar and comfortable with, but that isn’t in your immediate neighborhood. In case things don’t go well, you don’t want to drop clues about where you live.

How to Find a Threesome Partner IRL

Your IRL search may also start online, as online listings are one of the easiest ways to find classes and events in your area. But if you’re determined to remain 100% analog, try grabbing a local paper, especially an alt-weekly. These are likely to have advertisements and event listings that can be a great place to start meeting people in person.

Where to Look

If you're looking for a threesome partner offline, it’s important to focus on environments where partner hunting is welcome, otherwise you may get branded as creepy. “I believe it's best to be in sexualized environments, such as sex clubs, swinger clubs and sexual events,” Stewart said. “Secondary places would be events that harness sexual energy, such as burlesque shows, kink play parties/dungeons and strip clubs,” she said. And if you’re willing to dedicate some serious time (and funds) to the threesome partner search, “I have had clients share successes after experiencing adults-only cruises and resorts,” Lindsay said.

Read: Do Swingers Have Better Sex? I Went on a Swingers' Retreat to Find Out

How to Approach the Topic of a Threesome

If you’re in a space where flirting and sexual conversations are welcome, it’s best to be direct. “Have you ever had a threesome?” Can be a fantastic conversation starter. But even at sex parties, you’ll want to make some small talk, too. No matter how casual a sexual encounter might be, people still deserve to be treated like people. So learning about someone’s hobbies, pets and favorite music can all be great conversations to have as you’re getting to know each other.

Even at sex parties, you’ll want to make some small talk. No matter how casual a sexual encounter might be, people still deserve to be treated like people.

Safety Tips When Finding a Threesome IRL

Meeting someone IRL isn’t necessarily any safer than meeting online, so all the same safety considerations apply. Be sure you’re protecting your privacy as you’re chatting with folks, and don’t share personal information until you feel 100% comfortable.

One of the benefits of meeting potential threesome partners at play spaces, such as swingers clubs, is that you don’t need to move to another location to play. Being at established venues means you don’t need to give out your address or go to a stranger’s home in order to have a bed. Not only that, but many of these venues will have party hosts or other staff around to help out if things go seriously sideways.Read: Everything You Need to Know About Your First BDSM Play Party


If you’re going on a date with potential threesome partners, find at least one friend you can clue in. Having someone know where you’re going and who you’re with is a great step towards safety. And even if you’re not using technology to find your dates, there is tech to help keep you safe. “There are some really great apps like Life360 that can trace your phone amongst slutty friends so that you know where you all are and can spot someone at any given point in time,” Stewart said.


Read: 6 Threesome Sex Positions That'll Leave Everyone Satisfied

Becoming a “Threesome Person”

Although many folks are interested in a threesome as a one-off fantasy, the actual best way to find threesome partners is by becoming a Threesome Person. What the heck does that mean? Well, threesomes are simply more likely to happen to some people than others, and it isn’t a matter of luck. Threesome People are folks who have done all of their homework in advance. “To be involved in a threesome in a healthy way means having self-awareness, confidence and solid communication skills,” Lindsey said.

Threesomes are simply more likely to happen to some people than others, and it isn’t a matter of luck.

How can you get there? Here are a few tips.

Research and Build Skills

“Continuously educating yourself about respectful and consensual practices within ethical non-monogamy can help you navigate these experiences with confidence and respect for everyone involved,” McPherson said.


There are lots of resources online and in the local community to help you learn more about non-monogamy, consent and navigating sexual relationships in healthy and respectful ways.

AdultFriendFinder features member-to-member live video connections, as well as a whole library of articles and member blogs; you can educate yourself around your sexual interests and connect with people who can provide real-world insight and experience.

Communicate

You've probably heard this before, but communication is a key skill - maybe THE key skill - for having better sex and achieving some of your desires and fantasies.

“Understand and be able to easily communicate your needs and desires, as well as hard and soft limits or boundaries. These are important skills that will translate towards a more enjoyable experience,” McPherson said.

Nurture Existing Relationships

If you're adding additional partners to an existing relationship, it's best to build a strong foundation there first.

“Building a strong foundation in your existing relationship, if applicable, can help weather any disagreements or discomfort that might arise,” McPherson said.

Become a Community Regular

Rather than just attending an event once or twice to hook up, become a regular. Make friends and build community. Establish a positive reputation.


That may all sound like a lot of work - and it can be. But if you want to be the kind of person who has threesomes on a regular basis, the work is worthwhile. After all, threesomes are a hot fantasy. And they can be a hot reality, too, if you’re willing to put in the work. Remember that just like vacation planning, the prep work is part of the fun if you’re doing it right.

Want to see what potential partners might exist in your area? Set up an account at AdultFriendFinder to connect with others who are interested in group sex.

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Stella Harris

Stella Harris is a certified intimacy educator, coach, and mediator, who uses a variety of tools to guide and empower her clients and she teaches everything from pleasure anatomy, to communication skills, to kink and BDSM. Stella has appeared at conferences across the US and Canada, and regularly provides workshops and guest lectures to colleges and universities. Stella’s writing has appeared widely, including a weekly sex advice column in her local paper. Highlights of her...

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