Sex toys can be a miraculous tool in the bedroom - for everything from premature ejaculation to erectile dysfunction and a bunch of other things too! It turns out, just like how we use tools in other areas of our lives to make things easier and better, using tools in the bedroom can drastically increase our enjoyment and functionality.
So, today, let's talk about Death Grip Masturbation Syndrome - and various ways to help retrain yourself (including using those penis strokers!)
"Death grip masturbation" is what it's called when someone who owns a penis grips it during masturbation in a very, very tight grip. Since the hand has a much stronger grip than any other part of the body (like the vaginal canal), over time, continually masturbating in this way can mean you require this extremely tight grip in order to reach orgasm (which is why it's referred to as a "syndrome.") When you consider that some people masturbate for consecutive years without experiencing any variation in technique, you can see how this could easily habituate the body to experience pleasure in only a certain way.
This isn't necessarily a problem. If that's the way a body likes to orgasm, then that's the way a body likes to orgasm. Each of us have our own needs and wants when it comes to achieving orgasm. It's likely that the penis owner has never found any issue with this extra-tight style of handjobs while playing solo.
Read: Masturbation is the REAL Hero of the Pandemic
However, issues may start to pop up when someone with death grip masturbation starts to get involved with a partner. This can lead to shame about their inability to orgasm, frustration with a partner and just feeling annoyed that they aren't feeling as much enjoyment from partnered sex as they thought they would.
Death Grip Syndrome becomes a problem because the two people involved in the sex consider it a problem. As we've talked about on Kinkly many times, orgasm isn't the be-all, end-all of sex or intercourse. Everything about your coupling could be about receiving pleasure, reconnecting with one another, exploring your bodies, and generally inhabiting a similar, vulnerable space where your bodies may be on display.
That's all to say: Death Grip Syndrome doesn't have to be a problem. If the penis-owner can only orgasm through handjobs, that isn't all that different from the myriad of clitoris owners who find that only a good wand massager is going to do the trick. We have this cultural expectation that penis-owners should be able to achieve orgasm through intercourse, but that doesn't have to be the case - and it isn't, in some cases, even outside of Death Grip Syndrome.
That being said, a lot of people find that Death Grip Syndrome is a problem - but only because it's hampering their ability to enjoy parts of their time together. It can be frustrating to want to orgasm via intercourse - but finding it impossible. In some cases, the time required to achieve orgasm via intercourse can leave the receiving partner extremely sore - even raw and bleeding - which can result in intercourse being off the table entirely for longer than the two people may want while you heal.
Death Grip Syndrome can present more of a problem in casual encounters. Like I said, our society expects penis owners to easily orgasm via intercourse, and it can be an awkward conversation you may not want to have with a casual partner.
In any case, if you're reading this article, you're probably are looking for a "fix" for this problem that's bugging you.
Luckily, Death Grip Masturbation is very reversible for virtually everyone. (If it isn't reversible through practice, it's either the way your body was made, or you may have physical or mental conditions that may be roadblocking things. In that case, though, it isn't Death Grip Masturbation Syndrome.)
Almost everyone who has "Death Grip Masturbation" trained themselves into the need for the tight grip in order to orgasm. That means they can train themselves not to require it too.
It takes time - and effort - but if you're hoping to help your body become more sensitive to other types and tightnesses of sensation, these can be some great ways to help yourself swap things up:
Death Grip Syndrome builds up over time; you won't be able to reverse it instantly.
Most importantly, you need to know that this might occasionally be frustrating. If your body is used to achieving orgasm in a certain way, and you're trying to mix that up entirely and make it orgasm in a new way, you can, expectedly, find days where you're unable to orgasm.
I can't give you the exact way that's right for you to undertake this process. Will you resolve not to orgasm unless you can do it without the tight grip you're used to? That will likely start to work faster - but that could likely mean going weeks without orgasm.
Will you resolve to start making changes to how you masturbate - but still turn to an extremely-tight grip on days where you're frustrated that your alternatives aren't working? This process might take longer, but you'll probably have fewer days of frustration.
It's really up to you - and what you want to do. But expect it to take months. This isn't a quick process.
Obviously, my first advice would be to "use a looser grip" - but for a lot of people who are used to masturbating in a certain way, that can be easier said than done. As someone gets closer and closer to orgasm and becomes more focused, that goal also tends to fly out the window as they just want to hit the finish line.
That's where penis strokers come in - especially ones that are encapsulated in a plastic case, like the Water Activated Pocket Stroker by Cloud 9 Novelties. Using an entirely different stand-in for your hand essentially acts as a barrier towards accidentally swapping back to the tightness you always use.
A penis stroker that's contained within a plastic case can be a particularly great idea. Uncased penis strokers (like the Cloud 9 Handheld Torso Stroker) or your bare hand allow you to use the grip you are used to, whereas a plastic case keeps you from squeezing the stroker as tightly as you get closer to orgasm. When you use a stroker encased in plastic, you are able to vary the tightness with your grip strength somewhat, but not to the extent you are used to. Some cases are so rigid that squeezing the plastic case won't make the stroker any tighter at all. It will "force" you to into accepting whatever tightness the penis stroker was built with.
In some types of sexual therapy, the orgasm is regarded as the most important aspect of the experience. With that in mind, you might find this a good option: Allow yourself a bit of super-tight grip during the masturbation experience itself, but resolve to get yourself to orgasm with a gentler grip.
In practice, this might look like enjoying your masturbation session like you've always done - but you promise that the final 3 seconds of strokes need to be a soft, gentle touch that's unlike anything you ever do. After you build yourself up enough, that soft, gentler touch will likely be enough to tip you over the edge and into that orgasm.
Next time, you might try for 5 seconds of soft, gentle touch. Each time you masturbate, you just keep building on how long you require a gentle touch pre-orgasm. Over time, you'll be at a 30-second countdown - and then it will get even longer as you keep going.
Essentially, this helps train your body physically (and you, mentally!) that it's possible to orgasm with a gentler touch - and that the super-tight grip of Death Grip Syndrome isn't necessary. Over time, this can really make a difference.
Read: On the Other Hand: Remembering Masturbation Isn't Mandatory
If you're masturbating all of the time (whatever "all of the time" means for you), you're giving your body a whole lot of time to get used to that tighter grip. More time spent getting used to that tighter grip is more time that your body is going to need to spend to get untrained away from that tight grip.
A high frequency of masturbation to orgasm can also make it more difficult to orgasm in other ways - until you take a break from those orgasms. Essentially, the body has a refractory period where it likes to "come down" after sexual activity. If you ramp it up and try to make it orgasm again, it will be harder for your body to reach that peak. You've probably experienced that yourself when you've tried to go a second round - or just masturbated too closely to the last time you came.
Take care of two problems at once by masturbating less often - and trying to use some of these looser-grip suggestions (like a penis stroker!) when you do end up enjoying some solo time. Win-win!
While the point above asks you to cut down on your masturbation frequency, in general, this one is specifically focused on cutting down on your masturbation before a scheduled time where you'll be with your partner. If you know you have a date two weeks from now, you can start minimizing masturbation now.
Do you know one of the most recommended tips for holding off ejaculation during intercourse is? It's to masturbate to orgasm the day of sex - before the intercourse itself. Since the body has already had some sexual fulfillment earlier in the day, it can make it a bit slower to respond to subsequent pleasure - which is what people who want to last longer during intercourse are going for.
Since we're going for the opposite here (to help you be able to achieve ejaculation easier!), we're doing the opposite. Not only will depriving your penis of any sort of touch or attention make you more aroused the day of, but it will also make every touch feel even more pleasurable when that time finally comes around.
Read: Switch it Up: 7 Awesome Masturbation Techniques for Penises
Have you tried grinding as masturbation before? For some people with penises, grinding against pleasurable fabrics or surfaces can be orgasmic. Since it takes your hand entirely out of the equation and lets you practice movements for intercourse, it's pretty much a win-win.
Some people find success with using a pillow. (I recommend a pillow you don't generally use for sleep - and one that can be washed!) Others find pillows to be too soft. In that case, your mattress (with a towel down) can be a good place to start.
If that still isn't appealing to you, you might just want to get creative. Consider sliding a towel between two couch cushions and feeling multiple angles of pressure during your grinding at once. Slide a penis masturbation sleeve between those same couch cushions - and you can add more sensation while staying hands-free.
Vibrators don't tend to be a common suggestion for penis owners, but especially for Death Grip Masturbation, they can be a necessary way to explore different ways to pleasure the penis. Since most vibrators don't wrap all the way around the penis, and most of them don't grip the penis tightly for stroking, they can be a great way to provide sensation and pleasure to the penis in a way that's new - which is exactly what you need for switching up your orgasmic needs.
The type of vibrator is up to you. There are quite a few penis vibrators on the market, but you can use any ol' vibrator as well, for example the Flexible Head Wand Kit by Cloud 9 Novelties has some different options for you to play with a variety of sensations. Just place the vibrator on the penis (the frenulum is one of the most sensitive areas!) and see how you enjoy the vibrations. You might find some added sensation if you move it up and down in mini-strokes on the frenulum as well.
Now that you've tried some other options, I think it's time to add using a looser grip into the mix. Really, everything about Death Grip Masturbation is just about having too-tight of a grip on the penis while stroking. That's what it all boils down to.
To help train your body to enjoy something else, it comes down to using a looser grip to train it to enjoy a different sensation. Make an intentional, mental effort to grip using a gentler hand. This might involve changing up your grip entirely. It might involve masturbating with your non-dominant hand. It might involve focusing on a zen-like, meditative state where you focus on keeping your grip as loose as possible.
I certainly know how easy it is to see orgasm on the horizon - and do anything possible to try to get there. It's going to take some presence of mind to ensure that a tighter grip is off the table when those moments happen.
Not ready for that amount of focus - or finding you're accidentally reverting to the grip you are used to? Don't be afraid to go back to using penis strokers. Especially when the penis stroker has a hard, plastic case, the toy will take the ability to "accidentally forget" straight out of your hands.
Yep! Any person of any anatomy can "train" themselves into requiring specific types of stimulation in order to orgasm. You likely don't hear about this syndrome affecting vagina-owners as often because orgasm during penetration is without external stimulation is a rarity for people with vaginas.
There's also the very real issue that orgasm during intercourse isn't necessarily an "expected" activity for people with vaginas. For many bouts of heterosexual sex, intercourse will end when the person with the penis has an orgasm - that isn't the case for the person with the vagina. So a delayed orgasm for the person with the penis is much more noticeable in these circumstances - which is why it gets talked about much more often.
Regardless of anatomy, using only one kind of stimulation to orgasm can lead a body to need or expect that specific stimulation to orgasm at all. That stimulation can be a tightness of the grip (like what we've been talking about) - or it can be a specific vibrator setting or a specific movement. Our bodies are habitual things; if you do a certain thing for long enough, your body will not only get used to it - but it will expect it!
How long have you been masturbating in this style? If you're like most people who deal with Death Grip Masturbation syndrome, it's probably been years. In some cases, 5, 10, or 15 years.
If your attempts to fix it aren't working within a few weeks, it's probably time to check in with yourself - and realize that you're going to have to be in this for the long haul. It took you a long time to train your body into this, and it can take your body a long time to get trained out of it. It sucks, but it is what it is.
In the meantime, I know it's probably frustrating to deal with how it might affect you during times with your partner. I'd recommend focusing on intimate activities that feel great for the both of you - and stop worrying as much about orgasm being the pinnacle event during intercourse. Making space for other sexual activities - without as much focus on orgasm - can help you both discover new things about yourselves and how your bodies fit together. (If you're into it, exploring tantric sex can be a great way to connect, sexually, without a focus on orgasm.)
Like most things about our sexuality, your sexual superpower provides some downsides - but it also has some great benefits. Since you know exactly what type of stimulation gets you to orgasm, you can extend intercourse by doing activities that don't meet that threshold. There are hundreds of thousands of books that offer advice to last longer during sex; you're already there! Take advantage of it!
Exploring other ways to reach orgasm - like stimulation after intercourse or pulling out to stroke yourself to orgasm can be helpful as well. There's no need for you to go without orgasm; you both just may need to figure out ways to help you achieve orgasm that doesn't involve intercourse. (In fact, this is something that many vagina-owners have been doing for a long time!)
If you haven't considered penis strokers before, consider this your sign to give it a try. Penis strokers offer a whole lot of stimulation in a compact package - and can give you both something to try if your partner's handjobs aren't getting you to orgasm. As someone who loves using penis strokers on their partner, I highly recommend you explore that avenue along with other activities. It gives handjobs a different feel and a different visual- which can switch things up.
I'm also really fond of being able to focus on his expressions. If we're having intercourse, I'm likely focused on being relaxed or feeling the sensations as he penetrates. I'm usually too distracted to notice anything that's going on with him. That isn't the case when I'm using a penis stroker on him. I find that I get to enjoy all of the nuances of his expression as he slides inside a warm, lubed stroker, and I get to watch all of the expressions he makes. It's definitely hot, from a partner's point of view, and something I'd highly recommend while exploring your options.
If an inability to orgasm how and when you want to is still something that's impacting your life down the line, you may consider reaching out to a sex therapist to see if they can offer further input. There's only so far that you can go on your own, and after trying for awhile, it might be time to see a professional.
Every body is unique (and this might be how your body processes pleasure!), but, especially if it's a new problem, it could also be a sign that something's wrong, and only a medical professional can help you identify what that issue may be. Injuries, hormone changes, medications, and other health issues can also cause loss of sensitivity in the penis, so if you have any reason to believe those might be part of the picture, don't hesitate to reach out.
PRESENTED BY
Mistress Kay has a fondness for all things sexual. With a house that's quickly running out of room for all of her reading and vibrating pleasures, she spends her free time reading, writing, and learning about the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World.
Kinkly is a sex education site that aims to help people pursue pleasure in ways that are safe, healthy, consensual, and fun. We're looking for a Partnerships Manager to find and connect with the right partners who are aligned with our values. If you think that sounds like you, we'd love to hear from you!
Apply Now
