I'm into kink but my husband is not. We've been together awhile and I know it could add spice, but how could I get him interested in trying? What can I do?


This can be a tough situation. Especially when you've had fantasies about these things for awhile, finding it difficult to share this part of yourself with a partner can feel very alienating. I applaud you for trying to creatively find a way to share this with your partner, though, and I'd recommend undertaking this entire journey with patience and understanding.

I'd first encourage you to have a conversation about why your husband isn't into kink. Does it simply not get him going? Does he dislike the visuals? Does he think it would make him a bad person? Does he have trauma that kinky play may bring up?

Try to open the conversations to ascertain what things may be keeping him from enjoying kink. Throughout this whole process, keep the conversation going, about how you're feeling and what you're open to. Having a better understanding of what your partner's boundaries are, including what they desire, makes it easier to suggest new ideas and try new things. You'd be surprised how much people will share if you open the conversation, safely and respectfully.

I'd next encourage you to rethink what "kink" could possibly be. The world of kink is as broad as the world of sexuality is. While your current fantasies might seem a bit too extreme for your partner where they're currently at, you might find that they're interested in lighter, gentler kink options - which can help them gently "ease" into the world of kinky play.

Some things that are kinky but rarely portrayed as such:

  • Sending dirty text messages to one another while sitting across from each other at a restaurant.
  • Being told to stay in place or "face a punishment".
  • Having sex while clothing is still being worn.
  • Touching each other through your clothing.
  • Biting, scratching, and nibbling within the throes of passion.
  • Rough sex.
  • Playing any sex board games (great for "casually" introducing kink activities)
  • Having sex in places outside of the bed.
  • Using remote-controlled sex toys to pleasure each other while watching each other.

Trying these (mostly) gear-free options that focus on the connection between the two of you can be a great way for someone nervous about kink to give it a try.

When he seems open to it, some light, easy-to-escape kink gear options may add some fun for the both of you. Things like blindfolds, velcro cuffs, massage candles (these are as luscious as they sound!), and feather ticklers can all be easy way to add toys for kink without copying some of the most hardcore options you've seen on TV! Especially when someone is nervous about kink, I recommend romantic and sensual gear options like Silky Tie-Ups or the Kama Sutra Trust Me Erotic Playset.

Try these:

  1. Masks & Blindfolds
  2. Cuffs & Restraints
  3. Massage Candle
  4. Pleasure Feathers
  5. Silky Tie-ups
  6. Kama Sutra Starter Kit

The process can take some time. Your husband, for whatever reason, hasn't previously been into kink. It will take him time to rethink some of his viewpoints about kink, to see positive outcomes when the two of you try things, and perhaps a shift in mindset.

This is predicated on the notion that your husband would be open to trying kink or other new ideas in bed, in the first place. For some people, kink just isn't an option; it may bring up traumatic memories or triggers. If that's the case, you both may want have conversations about how everyone gets some of their needs met while still respecting each other's boundaries. This may look like online play, visiting a BDSM professional, dirty talk without the physical actions, sex therapy, just to name a few.

In the meantime, there are lots of ways to add spice to a relationship without kink!

Check these out:


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