How can I spice things up with my long-time lover?

The SexSmith
Profile Picture of The SexSmith Got kink? The SexSmith writes a blog about sex and relationships based on letters written to Dear SexSmith. Each response is crafted with humor and genuine care. Get the advice you need to keep your sex life sizzling.  Full Bio
Q:I'm 25 and have been with the same person for almost three years. I'm just not as turned on as I used to be. What can I do to spice things up?
A: Boredom is the most common reason to need new stimulation in the bedroom. Assuming that you want to stay with the object of your lessened desire, there are many ways to reignite a faded fire. First, you must enlist the cooperation of your partner. Keep in mind that he may be equally bored, so simply saying, "let's spice it up!" can work wonders to get the ball rolling. Another good way to stimulate pillow talk is with a visit to ye olde sex shop. Who doesn't like getting a new toy? Just resist the urge to buy everything that attracts you in favor of more frequent trips to the sex boutique.

Keep in mind that sex should be a fun adventure between consenting adults. Do you know what turns your lover's crank the most? The quickest? (Does he know that about you? Have you let him in on the secret?) Use your intimate knowledge of your partner to kick-start the kicks, and don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Just be sure to speak in positive terms until you are heard. "I'd love it if you would ..." will get you way more action than any "You never ..." ever could.

You might also want to consider adding a new dimension to shake up your routine. Hang up the "Do Not Disturb" sign and surprise your lucky lover with some role-playing, cosplay, sex games, or porn to perk up your appetites.

Last but not least, shared enjoyment of non-sexual activities, like hiking, biking, kayaking, camping, picnicking or whatever it is you enjoy doing together is also important, because it creates the intimacy upon which your sex life is ultimately based. Don't relegate the time you spend together to sitting in front of the tube or playing video games; it's just not sexy. But a walk in the woods might be. When was the last time you and your partner spent the day together, basking in your shared connection? Best lube, bar none.

Finally, keep an open mind to the other person's needs and desires. Sexsmith knows couples with passels of kids and piles of bills who still manage to keep that fire aflame decades into their unions, all because they pay attention to each other's hopes and desires, wants and needs, while encouraging open communication.

The most important thing is to get the conversation rolling, and then keep it going, so that you two can keep the boots knocking. Our brains are our main erogenous zones, so getting and staying in tune with one another is crucial to long-lasting passion. Being sexually satisfied comes not by fate, but with effort. Whatever turns you and yours on, be sure to don an attitude of playfulness and flexibility to keep the spark alive - and the coals red hot.

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