As a solo play late bloomer, I’m fascinated by people’s masturbation journeys. My own most remarkable experience was also my first, at age thirty.
Until then, I hadn’t realized I’d carried shame around an activity that’s so natural, beneficial and worth embracing or that I had long defined my sexuality as dependent on someone else.
Lifting the lid on that shame made way for profound self-discovery and put me on the path to all-things-Girl Boner. In other words, bringing myself to orgasm completely changed my life.
I’ve since heard about many people’s incredible solo play experiences. Given that May is National Masturbation Month, it seemed like a perfect time to celebrate such stories.
In 2008, Deborah Kagan was determined to befriend her G-spot. “It had been this allusive thing for the bulk of my life,” she said. “I didn’t even know there was such a thing until college and even then, I had no clue where mine was or what to do with it if I did find it.”
Deborah is far from alone in her G-spot perplexity. While certain specifics about the “spot” remain controversial, anyone who’s experienced that kind of pleasure will attest to its realness. And “how to find your G-spot” is a common web search among those who haven’t.
One night while watching a late-night HBO program, Deborah learned about glass G-spot dildos and said “that was when the lightbulb went off!” She purchased one the next day. Once she felt ready and “willing to explore [her body] on a deeper, more ritualistic level,” she opted to give it a whirl.
“When I finally decided to go for it, I made sure to make it special—like I was preparing for a lover,” she said. “I took a bath with oils, lit candles and incense in my bedroom after and put on some sexy, soulful music before getting on the bed. My commitment was to worship my own body.”
Rather than a quick, “feel-good [external] clitoral orgasm,” she took time to caress every part of her body, a process that led her to discover pleasure in places she’d yet to explore during masturbation. Even the backs of her knees felt erogenous. Old habits of wanting “programmed pleasure moves” to take over surfaced at first, she recalled, but with some deep breathing and intention, she broaden her solo play horizons.
“When I first found and connected with the spot, it felt like scratching an itch that’s burned, bruised and broken,” she said. “The kind that hurts and feels so good you don’t know whether to stop or go go go.” She chose the latter and, before long, experienced her most powerful orgasm to date.
Since then, her solo play experiences have had a “whole landscape of pleasure to continue to explore,” she added. “The depth of it emotionally and spiritually was awesome. It also led to a deeper level of self-love and confidence, as well as new levels of discernment when choosing a partner.”
If you’d like to invite more pleasure to your own solo sex life, Deborah recommends slowing (way) down and approaching it as a “sacred practice versus a get-off experience.”
Klaus was 21-years-old and living in an adult co-op compound in California when his game-changing solo play experience unfolded.
“It was a hot, sunny day and I got really horny, so I went to my room on the ground floor, shut my door [and] closed the curtains,” he said. “I thought they were closed all the way. I stripped off my shorts and started stroking myself. What I didn’t know was that two women were walking by and saw me.”
It wasn’t until the following day when the women thanked Klaus for “putting on such a nice show” that he realized they had watched him. At first, he was “totally embarrassed,” numb and lost for words. By that point, he had never played with himself before anyone, except occasionally and briefly during mutual masturbation.
While he may have been emotionally turned off, his body told Klaus another story. Noting his physical arousal, his embarrassment melted away. He was glad the women had watched him—really glad—and offered them another show.
The next round surpassed most any other solo play experience he'd had in terms of pleasure. Group and performative solo play have since remained invaluable parts of his sex life. Looking back, Klaus said the experience showed him how much he enjoys masturbation as a whole and chipped away at related shame he hadn’t before faced.
If you’re seeking more from your masturbatory life, Klaus suggests using the activity to discover your personal turn-ons, what feels good and what toys bring you the most pleasure. “Don’t be discouraged if you don’t climax every time,” he said, adding that edging is great fun.
If you’ve found visualizing or creating vision boards helpful, you may want to consider sex magic: applying sexual energy toward a desired result. Kristen Korvette has long considered sex magic a “go-to magical practice.” So when she had her sights set on a book publishing contract, she saw no downside in applying orgasmic power.
“It was also the perfect opportunity to align my sexual fantasies with my professional fantasies, and as a Capricorn, it doesn’t get any better than that,” she added.
When it was time, she set the mood by slipping into lingerie and playing her favorite music. Then she grabbed her favorite Chakrub, carved a candle with her desired outcome and let her thoughts drift to her turn-ons. While she wasn’t really pondering her book at that point, she did at the moment of climax.
“I envisioned bookstore shelves with my book on them, packed event spaces on my book tour, and the joy of holding my book in my hands,” she said, describing the experience and where it led as exhilarating—exactly one month later, a publisher offered to publish her book.
“Obviously, nothing happens out of the blue and I put in all the work for years prior to my sex magic to make this happen,” she said. “So skeptics might say it had nothing to do with it. That’s totally fine! At the very least, I got off and got a book deal—and encouraged myself to think bigger than I ever had let myself before.
If you’re interested in solo sex magic, Kristen recommends reading up on different approaches, so you understand potential pitfalls and ways to maximize your experience. “I’d also recommend investing in a Chakrub,” she said, “as they are supercharged for sex magic already!”
Also magical? Solo play however you see fit, no matter the type, apparent noteworthiness or frequency. Whether you’ve had a life-shifting masturbation experience (yet), have mastered the art of getting yourself off or have yet to explore sex on your own, you and your body are worthy of pleasure. Masturbation Months also seems like a prime time to celebrate that.