If you really do want to take your fantasies into the physical, I would connect with a sex therapist who is certified by the American Associate of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. They can help you process your past experiences with trauma and find sexual experiences that feel good mentally and physically. I would also check out the book "The Survivor’s Guide to Sex" by Staci Haines. It has some wonderful somatic exercises you can explore to be more present in your body and identify where your body is storing trauma.
Lastly, I would encourage you to look into aspects of submission that do not include physical discomfort or humiliation. Submission can come in many forms, and sensual submission is a great avenue for those who desire to experience surrender without the other discussed components. Submitting to a Dom/Domme who selects your clothes for the day, decides when you can masturbate, or demands that you eat your veggies and go to therapy are all wonderful aspects of sensual submission. While some people might see this as a lesser form of being a sub, I see it as just as valid. In fact, it can be even more challenging as it asks us to really work through power dynamics and incorporate our kinks into aspects of our well-being. Remember to continually check in with any dominant you work with and address if you feel hesitation for anything proposed. Consent is always the bedrock of any relationship, and our kinky ancestors made sure we prioritized that in D/s dynamics.
I hope that these suggestions guide you on your steps to feeling fully satisfied as a sexual being. The journey may not be fast or always easy, but it is worth it.