Masturbation and solo sex

How We Made Masturbation Part of Our D/s Relationship

Published: MAY 20, 2019 | Updated: MAY 6, 2022
He’s the Dominant. I’m the submissive. This is our agreement. When he says masturbate, I do.

“Touch yourself for me. Don’t stop until I tell you to stop.”


As a kinky submissive woman, any sexual command from my Dominant partner is hot. Even masturbation. Most people think they can or should only wank when they’re single or separated from their partner. I disagree. Masturbation has a definite place in relationships, even (and especially) in kinky ones.

He Guided My Masturbation

When we first met, 440 miles separated us. After the initial get-to-know-you string of emails, messages and phone calls, we took it further - and fast. We talked about our sexual fantasies and our kinks. Being open about our kinky needs, it wasn’t long until I let him take the lead on much of our sexual life.

When you’re in a long distance relationship (LDR), you have to get creative with everything, especially sex. While we talked on the phone all the time, there were two times each day when things got decidedly kinky. Right before bed and first thing in the morning, I would press the phone to my ear and move my hand (or vibrator) wherever he told me to put it.


Most of the time, I was allowed to orgasm - as long as I asked for permission. Sometimes he’d have me edge myself until I was shaky. A few times, because I’m a multi-orgasmic kind of person, we’d see just how many times I could come. No matter what “game” we played, he was in control.

Read: A Day in the Life of a 24/7 Submissive

Masturbating as Part of a Scene

We’ve spent more than a few times together - when we were still LDR and now that we live together - when penetrative sex wasn’t our goal. Orgasms? Hopefully. Kinky play? Always. Penis-in-vagina sex? Not so much.


These are the times when he says, “Touch yourself” or “Masturbate for me.” I’ve never quite gotten over my shyness, but he’s the Dominant, I’m the submissive and this is our agreement. When he says masturbate, I do.

All of our rules are still in place. No orgasm without permission. He may want to hear me beg. I may have to edge myself instead of rub one good one out. Just because it’s my hand doing the work doesn’t make it any less a part of our D/s dynamic. In truth, it amplifies it because I’m naked, sprawled on the bed in front of him, while he calmly watches or dictates what he wants to see next.

Read: Why Edging and Orgasm Control Make for Great Long-Distance Play


The Freedom to Masturbate ... but With Rules

Several months after we first moved in together, I noticed a strange phenomenon - and I didn’t like it. We didn’t masturbate anymore. Alone, together, nothing. I review sex toys. I host Masturbation Monday. How could I not masturbate?!

Because he controls my orgasms, this wasn’t a decision I could make unilaterally. We had to discuss it first. Thankfully, he is supportive of what I do - online and with my body. He had no problem adding more masturbation. But there would be rules:

  1. I had to tell him all the details of what I did.
  2. I didn’t have to ask, but I did need to let him know before I masturbated or as soon as possible after.

Those don’t sound like strict rules, but to be effective, they don’t have to be. I always let him know before I pull out a vibrator or get naked. And he gets every detail - good and bad. Truly, though, I prefer to masturbate when he’s right there with me. Old habits die hard. It’s not long until he’s guiding me, or I’m begging for permission to come.


Now that masturbation is a part of our kinky sex life again, it’s very difficult for me to do it any other way. Sure, when I travel by myself, I can masturbate. Sometimes I do - if I really need to relax. But I don’t want to. I’d much rather have him and our kinky roles as part of the fun.

Kayla Lords

Professional writer, sex blogger, erotic author, sexual submissive, and kinkster, Kayla writes more than is probably healthy over at A Sexual Being and overshares about the kinky and mundane side of her BDSM relationship. Her mission: to make BDSM, specifically Dominance and submission, less scary, less weird, and much more real and attainable for anyone willing to learn more.

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