Kinkly received this question:
I (M49) am in a new relationship, and my partner (F39) is extremely frustrated that I take so long to climax. She takes personal shame that she cannot make me climax often except with oral. I told her I've been chastised in the past for climaxing too early and have spent years building up my stamina to this point. I don't know how to go back to being a three-minute man. Help!!!
To begin with, let me tell you that I’ve seen this issue before. It may be comforting for your partner to know that this problem can, in fact, stem from years of training yourself not to orgasm too quickly — not from any lack of desirability on her part. It can also stem from psychological factors like stress or depression or physiological factors like medications.
First order of business is to help her separate her self-esteem from your orgasms. Otherwise, you’ll both constantly feel under pressure in the bedroom. Try having a conversation about the feelings it brings up for her when you have trouble climaxing. It’s possible she has preexisting insecurities from past experiences. Addressing these and letting her know all the things that make her great in bed may go further toward helping her feel better than simply trying to orgasm more quickly.
Gaining control over your orgasms — whether you’re trying to speed them up, slow them down, or just make them happen — comes down to awareness. The more you focus on the pleasurable sensations you’re feeling, the more they’ll grow. One way to increase your body awareness is to breathe in deeply and imagine your breath filling your penis (or wherever you want to feel more) and expanding the pleasure you’re feeling there. For some people, making noise and dirty talking is helpful to get into the moment and amplify sensations.
It can also help to take some time before sex to get more present in your body and warm yourself up. Try spending more time on kissing, non-genital touch, and/or pleasuring your partner before involving your penis. You can also even plan an activity, like taking a bath together or giving each other massages, to relax and prime your body for pleasure.
However, orgasms don’t respond well to pressure, so don’t focus on this one element so much that sex becomes a project. Remember to stay lighthearted, be open to improvising and laughing if things don’t go as expected, and approach pleasure as something to enjoy throughout your whole body and throughout the entire time, not just the last few moments.
