Published: AUGUST 27, 2020
| Updated: MARCH 3, 2022 06:34:19
Self-love and solo sexy times are some of the best ways you can treat yourself!
If you want a better connection with your body, it’s time to step up your self-love sessions. Feeling good about yourself, and cultivating a healthy mind and body, affects every single area of your life—from your career to your relationships.
It’s OK to feel pleasure, alone (perhaps with a favorite toy,) and on your terms. The end game doesn’t have to be all about getting off. It’s such a gift to take intentional time to seduce yourself, to feel good for the sake of feeling good. Here are 8 tips to bring more self-love into your world.
1. Screw the Shame
A lot of us grew up thinking masturbation is weird, especially those of us who were caught and scolded. Sexual shame is so ingrained in our beings and far too many of us were raised to fear and hate our bodies. This disruptive narrative needs to stop. Right. This. Minute.
Gigi Engle, resident Womanizer sexpert, certified sex coach, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life thinks the only way we remove stigma and shame from self-love is by engaging with it.
“A lot of the time we don't masturbate because we're ashamed of masturbation,” says Engle. “But, if you engage with it, celebrate it, and treat it like a form of self-care, it can start to take on new meaning.” What's more, she adds, is that when you do something that brings you pleasure, it stops being this monster under the bed. It stops being scary.
“You can start to see the ways it positively impacts your life and your sexuality – sexuality is not THE most important thing in the world, but it's still important. It deserves a level of clout we don't always afford it.”
PSA: Pleasure is your birthright and sexuality is as natural and normal as breathing. Embrace it. It belongs to you.
2. Take Yourself on a Date
Simone Paget, a writer and sex columnist at the Toronto Sun, thinks it's important to prioritize pleasure both inside and outside of the bedroom. “Taking myself out on dates is one of my favorite kinds of self-care,” she says. “This usually involves eating and drinking something delicious, and then indulging in something I'm specifically interested in without feeling the need to include anyone else.”
For example, the last time she was in New York City, she took herself out for dinner to a restaurant she always wanted to try (Cosme for the duck tacos!) and then to see Avenue Q off-Broadway (hilarious puppet sex!). Both were bucket list items for Paget.
“Sometimes these evenings end with an orgasm, but they don't have to. Whether I'm eating something delicious or feeling something delicious between my legs, it's all about honouring my needs and allowing myself to enjoy pleasure in whatever way feels good in the moment.”
Ta'lor L. Pinkston, a self-love activist, speaker and therapist over at The Heart Advocate, also believes in the power of taking yourself on a date:
"I wasn’t always comfortable with the idea of being sexy even when I was dating and in romantic relationships. Being sexy meant confidence and I didn’t feel comfortable in lingerie. The only time I wore something sexy for my partner was on special occasions, but now I date myself, and wear lingerie for myself. I put on lingerie and feed myself strawberries and sparkling rosé and enjoy my own company."
3. Get in the Mood
Creating rituals and intentional spaces can be really useful for solo sex practices. Ashley Manta, author of The CBD Solution: Sex, suggests taking your time to make your room into a sensual sanctuary for pleasure.
“Light some incense, choose a sexy playlist, and dim the lights,” she says. “Consider setting an intention like, ‘I am here to explore my erotic potential with curiosity,’ and then take your time considering every area of your body to be a potential hotspot. Then just close your eyes and breathe, allowing your fingertips to travel intuitively.”
Pinkston adds that one of her favourite ways to indulge is with a Goddess bath:
"I am not getting dressed up for anyone. Instead, I am undressing for myself and taking a Goddess Soak. There is nothing more romantic than this bath. I feel like a Queen at this moment, and as I soak, I embrace all that I am, and it feels like ecstasy.
(Want to learn how to have your very own Goddess Soak? Check out Pinkston's own suggestion at the bottom of this article!)
4. Create a Fantasy
Lately, I’ve been getting off thinking about having a blindfolded gang bang with a group of strangers. It’s a super-hot thought in my head, that would (most likely) not play out IRL (for safer sex reasons) in my bed. But, maybe it could with meticulous screening? Who knows.
Sex with strangers is a common fantasy. This risky fantasy has fuelled many, many orgasms, and has proven to be a reliable go-to. Allow your mind to wander wherever it needs to go to get you aroused. There ain’t no shame in your fantasy game.
5. Use Lube – Liberally
It can feel like there's a huge stigma surrounding lube, especially with vulva owners. Some vulvas are naturally slick, and that's all fine and good. But if you're on the drier side, it’s perfectly OK. There are plenty of solutions.
Says Jennifer Rahner, Sexuality Educator of bodysexbyjennifer.com:
“You may think lube is only important when you're having sex with a partner, but that's simply not true,”
She says lubricant will enhance solo play as well.
“Obviously, it helps ease the way if you're using insertion toys in your vagina or anus, but even external stimulators feel better when you use lube, gliding with ease to all those spots that make you go ‘oh!’,” says Rahner.
She reminds us that while the use of natural oils is a bad idea when using condoms because they can deteriorate latex, you can feel free to try coconut, almond, or another natural oil that you enjoy when you're on your own and unworried about STI transmission or pregnancy, especially when using your fingers... know that some oils can degrade plastic components of sex toys and may void the manufacturer's warranty.
Rahner’s pro tip? Try a lubricant with cinnamon oil, CDB, THC, or a combination. “Enjoy rubbing this kind of oil all over your vulva as you start to play, and allow 15 to 20 minutes for it to start working, helping to stimulate blood flow to your clitoris and labia,” she suggests.
If you haven't found a lube that feels good, you haven't found the right one. Go to your local sex store or buy online, and try out a few samples. If you need to lick your fingers, that's OK too.
