Why would you need more than one Dom(me)?


Why would you need more than one dom(me)? If you're satisfied with the one you have (and vice versa), why change them? If you're not, why stick with them?


Why have more than one Dom(me)? For the same reasons anyone has more than one partner. Many people who are polyamorous or who engage in open relationships appreciate the variety this allows them to experience. People get different needs met with different partners and many people find coming back to a partner after adventures elsewhere helps to build intimacy.

When it comes to seeking variety, Subshrink11 sums this up nicely, "I'm an s-type and often have more that one D-type in my life. The reasons are similar to to why I'm polyamorous in general. Each partner has something different to offer. I many want more than one gender, more than one power exchange dynamic, etc. I have various tastes, and different Tops have different skill sets."

She also brings up an excellent point — while people are often looking for different traits from different partners, when it comes to kink, these differences can be even more explicit. Maybe one top or Dominant is skilled with rope, while another is a master of impact play. Maybe one is more psychological with their play and the other is more physical. No one person can ever be an expert in all kinds of play, so having more than one Dominant or top means you can experience a variety of forms of play, while still doing so within the structure of a relationship.

Adding D/s to the open relationship mix can certainly make things more complicated. Either relationship structure on its own can have complications and combining the two can create unique challenges. There is a book on this very topic: Power Circuits, Polyamory in a Power Dynamic by Raven Kaldera which offers some guidance in this realm.

Aurora speaks to some of the challenges people face when having more than one Dominant, "For me, I don't know that I specifically set out to have more than one dominant as much as it has been an extension of being both submissive and polyamorous. When I started seeing the newer of my two in-town partners, each one had their own separate style of dominance. After a while, it felt too hard to manage the different demands alone. Recently, [my dominant partners] have started talking more and collaborating on dominance together, while still maintaining most of their independence. Having this added line of communication has been amazing!"

While Aurora’s situation felt complicated at first, an added layer of communication has not only made things easier, it has opened up new possibilities for what they can do with their relationships and their kink.

Just like polyamory isn’t for everyone, having more than one Dominant (or submissive, for that matter) isn’t for everyone, either. If you think you’re up to the challenge of communicating and negotiating clearly, having multiple partners can be very rewarding. Ultimately it takes a bit of soul searching and introspection to decide if this is right for you — and likely some trial and error if you decide to give it a try.

Have a question? Ask Stella here.

View all questions from Stella Harris.

Share this:
Written by Stella Harris
Profile Picture of Stella Harris

Stella Harris is such a nerd about communication that she wrote a book about it - "Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships". As a Certified Intimacy Educator and Sex Coach, she uses a variety of tools to guide and empower her clients and she teaches everything from pleasure anatomy, to communication skills, to kink and BDSM. Stella teaches at venues and conferences across the country (and Canada!) most recently appearing at ConvergeCon in Vancouver, B.C., Dark Odyssey: Surrender in San Francisco, Kinky Kollege in Chicago, and Reed College in her adopted hometown of Portland, Oregon. In addition to her upcoming book, Stella has been busy writing her sex column for the Willamette Week, Humptown!

Learn more at www.stellaharris.net or follow @stellaerotica on Twitter or @stellaharriserotica on Instagram.


Connect with us

Email Newsletter

Join thousands receiving hot new sex related articles, goodies, and great deals.