As both a writer and an avid reader, a clever turn of a phrase has long been one of my greatest turn-ons. In the days of dating apps and “U awake?” texts, it’s harder to get my fix of the written word. That’s one of the reasons that I love long-distance play.
Why Edging and Orgasm Control Make for Great Long-Distance Play
Although long-distance relationships come with their own challenges, they do force you to have real conversations. When you can’t just jump in bed together, you’ll often get to talk about things that may have taken ages to come up.
Not only that, but foreplay and tease can reach all new levels when you’re playing over a distance - whether it’s because you're in a long-distance relationship or you just want to stay in touch while one person is away for work.
My Favorite? Orgasm Control and Edging
One of my favorite ways to play is using elements of orgasm control and edging. These forms of play are ideal at a distance because you can keep the play going for days with just a simple text now and then. Controlling someone’s orgasms is a fabulous way to stay front of mind, even when you’re not together, or between long-distance conversations.
My long-distance play partner, S., sums it up nicely,
“We usually begin with texts, teasing each other, and sending sexy photos. She will ask how long it's been since I've had an orgasm, how long I think I can hold out for her. At that point it's on. Over the next few days we'll exchange texts and photos, which get progressively sexier. But hanging over all of this is an agreement: that she controls when I may orgasm. It's this agreement that really makes our play exciting for me. She will give me assignments from time to time. For example, I am to bring myself close to orgasm a few times a day, but stop short. She wants photographic evidence, which I happily provide.”
Giving assignments is a wonderful element of long distance play. It brings the play into someone’s daily life without requiring frequent phone calls or constant texting. This works well when both people are busy and trying to maintain a connection.
Working in Kinky Interests
It’s easy to incorporate any kinks or interests you and your partner might have. If you need ideas of what to do, that can even be an assignment of its own. Try having your partner find erotica or porn that they enjoy and share it with you. This way, forming ideas for play becomes part of the play itself.
If you’d like to make things more advanced, there are many toys that can help with that. App-controlled toys are a newer market, but there are already quite a few options like from Satisfyer and We-Vibe, which can be controlled by a handy app. There are also smart toys like those by Kiiroo, which also provide a unique way to experience long-distance couples' play.
If you want to add chastity to your orgasm control, there are a variety of options for that as well. Personally, I tend to keep things simple. I like having most of this play be mental, and knowing that someone is choosing to do what I say, rather than being “forced” by a toy or device. That kind of control is part of the turn-on for me.
Watch It In Real Time
When the long-distance tease and foreplay has us both eager for something more, I like to video chat with my partner. You can set up a Skype date, but you can also chat within some of the sex toy brand apps. As much as I love playing by text and playing with language, I really love getting to see and hear my play partner during the grand finale. S. shared his side of that as well,
“After a few days, we set a time to video chat. The conversation starts slow, with her asking me to describe with increasing specificity the qualities of my frustration and desire for release. She teases me with a peek down her blouse and asks to see evidence of my arousal. Once I begin masturbating for her, she controls the pace absolutely. She tells me when to speed up, slow down, or stop completely. She will work me closer and closer to orgasm, until we find that paper-thin edge, right there on the brink. She delights in telling me to stop cold just before release. We repeat this pattern numerous times. Each time it gets harder and harder to resist, but I do, until after some begging she gives me permission to come. Having danced at the edge for so long it's unlike any other orgasm I've had.”
She tells me when to speed up, slow down, or stop completely. She will work me closer and closer to orgasm, until we find that paper-thin edge, right there on the brink.
It’s hard to argue with those results!
Edging and orgasm control are great fun to play with in person, too, but the extra intensity they offer makes them ideal for long distance play when the intimacy of being in person is lacking. All you need is a little creativity to get started. App controlled sex toys can help take that play to the next level.
Stella Harris is a certified intimacy educator, coach, and mediator, who uses a variety of tools to guide and empower her clients and she teaches everything from pleasure anatomy, to communication skills, to kink and BDSM. Stella has appeared at conferences across the US and Canada, and regularly provides workshops and guest lectures to colleges and universities. Stella’s writing has appeared widely, including a weekly sex advice column in her local paper. Highlights of her media appearances include speaking as an expert on Banana Slug sex and appearing on the evening news discussing the importance of sex education in schools.
Stella is the author of two books, "Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships" and and "The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes." Learn more at www.stellaharris.net or follow @stellaharriserotica on Instagram.