PERSPECTIVES
Humiliation Play: Things to Say If Your Partner's Into Sexual Denigration
Published: APRIL 13, 2023
Words can be a potent sexual tool, but there’s a lot to learn when it comes to using them well. And most importantly, getting off on being humiliated doesn't make you -- or anyone -- a "horrible little person."
You horrible little person, how dare you ask me, of all people, to teach you about the arousing whys and exciting hows of consensual denigration?
Joking aside, humiliation play, as consensual denigration is also called, is -- and will likely remain -- an extremely popular sexual activity.
READ: Think Humiliation's a Turn-On? Here's How to Talk to Your Partner About It.
So let's delve into the roots of this undeniably appealing type of play, go over a few of the most well-known types and styles and, from there, dive into some suggestions on how to safely try them for yourself.
What is Humiliation Play?
In broad terms, humiliation play is a branch of BDSM wherein partners derive sexual pleasure from being, well, humiliated -- either physically, such as being collared in public or spanked in front of other people, or emotionally, such as being the recipient of verbal degradation.
Equally as important as defining what humiliation play is, though, is defining what it isn't. No ifs, ands, or buts about it: Degrading someone without their explicit consent is, and will always be, abusive -- particularly due to humiliation play's potential ability to inflict severe, not to mention permanent, emotional trauma.
READ: Finding Healthy Attachment After Trauma.
In fact, humiliation play is so risky that, even after spending days, weeks, months or however long you need to establish as many emotional safeguards as you can imagine, and how to respond should things go wrong, I still suggest you take things very -- as in extremely -- slowly.
This includes taking plenty of breaks and doing a lot of check-ins during play -- not only for the person being humiliated, but also for those doing the denigrating.
As arousing as humiliation play can be (and often is, because you're playing with someone's mind and soul on top of their body), you must be extra careful.
As with physical BDSM, a humiliation play scene should end with everyone feeling better than when it began. Unless, of course, you mutually agree on something else beforehand.
Positive vs Negative Humiliation
If you're interested in potentially engaging in humiliation play, a good place to start is by examining whether you're into "positive" or "negative" humiliation.
Positive humiliation may sound sort of like a put-down, but is really affirming. For instance, "You're a wonderfully dirty slut” or "Only a sex-obsessed tramp like you would forget to do the laundry."
Negative humiliation is more disrespectful -- like, "You're a pathetic little creature" or "Of course you disappointed me."
Positive and negative humiliation are not interchangeable and should be negotiated before starting a humiliation scene. Mistaking one for the other, if only briefly, can be emotionally devastating.
READ: The Basics of BDSM Negotiation.
Types of Humiliation Scenes and How to Use Them
Turned on by being put down? Lucky you: There's an infinite number of uniquely different humiliation play scenes to explore!
Here's a selection of the most tried-and-enjoyed humiliation play scenes and words and phrases that might work for each:
Slut Humiliation
An age-old classic, referring to someone as a slut can be affirming or not, depending on context or how it's voiced. Slut is also gender-neutral, making it an excellent word to humiliate anyone -- if they consent to be called one, of course.
Here are some examples of things to say for this type of humiliation:
- "Get over here, slut."
- "You're nothing but a slut, aren't you?"
- "Sluts like you are only good for one thing."
Feminization
Forced feminization, also known as "sissy training," involves working with a submissive's desire to act or appear more female. Usually applied to male-identifying people as a form of counter-masculinity punishment, feminization scenes may involve wearing feminine attire and demanding stereotypically feminine behavior -- such as washing, cleaning or performing oral sex.
Here's what to say:
- "Such a pretty little lady."
- "What a fuckable tramp you are."
- "Girls should only speak when spoken to."
READ: I Feel Pretty: A Guide to Sissy Play.
Small Penis Humiliation
Small penis humiliation typically revolves around denigrating the size, or expressing the uselessness of, the recipient's genitals. Occasionally, these scenes may include physical chastisement, as in having a person expose themselves or having their shortcomings inspected and denigrated.
What to say: