Share It With Others
At the core of shame is the message: "I'm not good enough." It makes you feel inadequate and insufficient, and as if the love of others is conditional on you acting a certain way. To counter this, you need to share your shame with someone who will love you and appreciate you anyway. In therapy talk, we call this "unconditional positive regard." This is an attitude towards others that expresses that a person is worthy of love and appreciation, no matter what.
A trusted friend or partner can be the source of that unconditional positive regard, but sometimes these are the very people who are shaming us. In this case, a therapist or counselor can help. Online support forums and chat rooms can also provide an outlet for expressing our shame.
In short, you need to find a friendly listener, someone who will say "you are worthy" no matter what.
Because you are!
Disconnect Your Shame From Your Identity
One of the pernicious things about shame is that it attaches to our identity. It says "You are a bad person." Shame is a parasite. It's not who you are; it's just sucking up your life energy, making you feel like its presence is inevitable.
However, parasites do not survive long outside their host. The same goes for shame: if you disconnect it from your identity, it will die very quickly.
When we attach our identity to what others think of us, we become vulnerable to judging ourselves through external eyes. If someone doesn't like the way you do oral sex, you think you're just a terrible lover. If someone doesn't accept your sexual or gender orientation, you think you're a broken, unworthy person.
Disconnecting your shame from your identity means having an internal system of judgement that isn't dependent on what others around you think. It means accepting yourself for who you are and acting in harmony with your needs, values and beliefs.
Being shameless doesn't mean doing whatever to whoever without caring for their well-being. It means being authentically, unapologetically, who you are. It means acting in accordance with your values, beliefs, and identity. Do not let the shaming judgements of others distract you from that.
Letting go of sexual shame doesn't happen overnight. It takes a lot of hard work on your part. It's a very personal journey. But it's one worth taking.