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Q:

My wife wants to know how to invite another man join us for kinky sex

A: Your first step is, admittedly, one of the least exciting in this process: an open discussion about what this entails. While threesome fantasies are one of the most common fantasies, the reality of adding another person in the bedroom can be one fraught with a lot of challenges - but it can be a rewarding, connecting experience too!

Your first step to make this a great experience is with a thorough conversation. You both want to ensure you're on the same page. Not only is this helpful for the two of you, but you'll also find it handy for negotiating with someone outside of your relationship too. You want to be able to tell your new lover what they should expect from the experience too!

I'd recommend starting with questions like:
  • What things would make you uncomfortable? What things really turn you on about the idea?
  • What things are you willing to do if they turn your partner on?
  • How do you react to jealousy, and how can your partner help reassure you?
  • How much/little time do we want to spend with our new lover before/after our threesome?
  • If someone spends the night, where will we sleep?
Don't forget to discuss the lover themselves too! You'll want to talk about things like:
  • Can our new lover be someone we know?
  • What physical attributes are we looking for?
  • How are we going to ensure our new lover has a great time?
  • How are we going to ensure we stay safe while looking for a new person?
  • What safer sex practices are we going to use during the threesome?
By discussing this all in advance, you'll be better prepared for any unexpected feelings of jealousy - because we want your threesome to be a positive experience to look back on! You might be surprised to find out that you're happy to share your bodies with a new lover, but the idea of having this new lover sleep in your marital bed may bring up feelings of discomfort. Knowing this all in advance helps you alleviate some of these easily-solved crises (like simply moving to a hotel room!).

(You may also find that you love the fantasy of a threesome more than the functional reality of it - and that's okay! There are lots of hot ways to roleplay and simulate a threesome that leave another person out of your relationship!)

After you both know what you want, you have to find a third person to introduce into the bedroom!

You can think of this like dating - but as a couple! There are a wide variety of dating apps specifically made for group dating and situations like Feeld, OkCupid, #Open, and Tinder. Create a profile as a couple. You'll have the best luck if you're able to provide face and full body pictures of the two of you.

Most importantly: ensure both of you have access to the account and can chat with prospective lovers. Not only can this amp up the anticipation, but it can also reassure your prospective lover to see that both sides of the couple are down to play.

If you want to skip online dating, some couples prefer to bring a friend into the bedroom instead. While bringing someone familiar into the bedroom can feel reassuring, make sure everyone is on the same page to avoid destroying a long-standing friendship.

Remember: standard casual sex rules apply here too. You should meet your prospective lover in a public place first, and you should be cautious about providing too much personal information to someone you don't know too well. A hotel room (and the hotel's lounge!) can be a great way to transition from public to private while leaving your home address out of the equation.

Don't forget about swinger's clubs, too! A lot of seeking couples find that swinger's clubs can have the sex-focused atmosphere they're looking for. Not only can you find and share a lover within the same night, but you can also do it in an atmosphere that feels like an erotic thrill all to itself! While swinger's clubs aren't a good fit for all couples, for couples seeking a third for casual threesomes, it can be a great place to start.

I also recommend reading more into Couple's Privilege before undertaking this journey.


Especially if you want to skip the "finding a man" process next time, making sure your new lover has a great time is vital to a repeat performance. All of these articles have great advice to make your hunt (and the threesome itself!) go off seamlessly:

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