Women who worry about pleasing their guy by having orgasms are thinking about making him feel successful, a great performer, doing his job, instead of thinking about their own needs and desires. When we do this we’re acting out old patterns, reinforcing the idea that men are in charge of our sexual experience.
So imagine a different scenario. Two people begin to touch and kiss and explore. They undress and leisurely move to some degree of nakedness. There is no set agenda. Instead, it is more spontaneous and less predicted. There isn’t “fore” play or “after” play. There’s just play. Maybe there’s penetration. Maybe they use both fingers and mouths to stimulate their partners. Maybe one partner uses a sex toy on the other, or on themselves. And that might be an orgasm today, but not the next time. The key is that whatever form your intimacy takes, both of you come out feeling satisfied.
The Key to Successful Experiences Is How We Think about Sex
The key to finding pleasure regardless our physical abilities or limitations is to change our thinking about what constitutes sex and what gives us pleasure. As humans, we crave touch and most of us don’t get enough. When age, illness, or something else restricts our ability to do one thing, we find a work-around. We find a way to adapt and modify - we do it in various areas of our lives. So why aren’t we doing it with sex? Too often older adults, when faced with physiological problems, ED or vaginal discomfort, simply give up all sexual contact. When I hear an individual talk about that loss, about giving up because they haven’t or won’t consider other alternatives, I am reminded of the ways our traditional definition of sex deprives us of the richness of physical contact.
What should we start calling this thing we do? Sexual intimacy? Sex? Play? Whatever you call it is up to you, but if you want to assure that pleasure and intimate touch happens as long as possible then you’re going to need to rethink what sex means to you. And talk about it with a partner. Talk about longing and touch and affection and the bonds that develop between two people during intimacy. Isn’t that part of what we seek as humans? What a delight to think that sex, partnered or solo, is possible in so many ways - and for as long as we’re breathing and desirous.