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I want to live out my fantasies! What do I do?

Q:

My wife doesn’t want sex anymore and won't try anal sex with me. I love anything anal and am starting to have fantasies about enjoying it with other men. I am ready to step outside my monogamous relationship to enjoy these fantasies. I am thinking of asking random people on the street whether they'll suck my dick or let me penetrate them. What should I do? I don't want to cheat on my wife, but I want to live out my fantasies!

A:

Whoa! So, grabbing random people off the street so you can suck dick or get penetrated might not be the best way to go - safety and all... However, that sounds like it could be potentially great spank bank material!

How long has the discord with your wife existed? Also, is it that you two are not having any sex or just not the kind of sex you want? If you are not having any sex, then I would recommend that you and your wife spend some time addressing that first. Something is clearly not working effectively - and it could be within the relationship or it could be something else entirely. Either way, as a result, sex is not happening. If sex is already not happening, then kinky sex is probably not even on the menu for your spouse yet.

Speaking of which, is she aware of any of the aforementioned things that you are interested in? Do you and your wife ever discuss fantasies? Has anal ever been included in your sex play before? I hear anal is a mixed bag for a lot of women, whether giving or receiving. It is definitely not something you just spring on her out of nowhere; rather, maybe try leading up to it. Maybe you could incorporate some toys into sex that stimulate you anally until she comes around and is willing to be a more active participant? Find out what her limits are, and if she has any ideas how to comfortably begin participating.

The only other thing I would have to ask you to consider is how far does your desire to act out your fantasies go? Is this great masturbation material that you might want to occasionally act out with your spouse, or is this an activity you would like to see happen in real life? What we fantasize about can be more extreme versions of what we are willing to actually do - and sometimes we want to act out the fantasy in its entirety, no matter how extreme. Since I am not sure how much of this you want to see actualized, I will end with this: work on your sex life with your wife. Slowly introduce some of these fantasies/desires to her over time and see how things go. (No, you don’t have to wait until everything is "all better", just until things begin moving in a positive direction). Anything more than that would require a much different conversation.

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Written by Karen Washington
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Karen Washington is a graduate of the Adler School of Professional Psychology and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She specializes in sex therapy, with a foundation in communication and self esteem. Karen works with couples and individuals through discrepancy, dysfunction and disorder to achieve their desired sex life. She firmly believes in presenting education and information through the lens of humor, especially when it comes to sex. Full Bio

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