Masturbation and solo sex

How to Have a Sex Date With Yourself

Published: FEBRUARY 10, 2020 | Updated: MAY 6, 2022
Sometimes what you need is to take a step back and connect with yourself.

In her classic book The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron talks about the idea of an artist’s date: that a creative person needs to regularly refill their well of ideas by taking time out of their week to go on a ‘date’ with themselves.


Our sex lives can also benefit from a creative boost from time to time. Skyn condoms sex and intimacy expert Gigi Engle says:

‘’Novelty means excitement and changing up the sexual routine. This can be anything from exploring erogenous zones to fetish and kink to a different sex position. It’s about keeping it fresh so that our brains and bodies continue to feel sexual excitement for our partners without falling into a state of boredom. Humans get bored with routines. It’s just in our nature.’’

While you might try a new sexual position or acting out a new fantasy with a partner, sometimes what you need is to take a step back and connect with yourself. Having a good sexual connection to yourself can be key to revitalizing your sexual connection with others.


So how about having a date with your sexual self?

This could be once a week, or whenever you feel bored, or disconnected from your inner sexiness. Rather than it simply being a way to get a quick fix to turn yourself on, a date can be a way to woo your self in different and imaginative ways.

Have a brainstorm about what would feel like an absolute treat to nurture your sexuality. Here are a few suggestions.


Pamper Yourself

How about a long luxurious bath by candlelight? You could read some erotica to fire up your imagination. Ask yourself, is it words or visuals that turn you on?

Spark your literary side with Desire 100 of Literature’s sexist stories or seduce your visual imagination with graphic BDSM roleplay story ‘Dirty Deeds' by Megan Gedris.

Read: Eight Erotic Literary Lovers To Turn You On


Learn Genital Massage or Sexual Kung Fu

How many ways are there to stroke a clitoris or G-spot? In the video Fire In the Valley, ex-porn star turned sex educator, Annie Sprinkle, shares a massive 30 pleasurable massage strokes for people with vulvas.

Or visit Orgasmic Yoga by Joseph Kramer, which has a whole range of videos for both people with penises and vulvas, including Sexual Kung Fu, a practise that Taoist teacher Loren Johnson claims made his penis one inch longer.



Watch a Flick

Check out some classic erotic movies set in out of the ordinary places to bring in a sense of the exotic. For example ‘In the Realm of the Senses’ tells the story of a former prostitute working in a hotel in Japan and who is seduced by the owner. ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ depicts a masked orgy in a secret society. 'Last Tango In Paris' tells the story of a recently widowed American man, who begins an anonymous relationship with a Parisian woman.

Browse and Shop

This can be just as much about the browsing as it is the buying. Visit a sex shop, or lingerie department, or go to the sex section of your local bookshop. Take your time to look around and spark your imagination, without being in a rush to purchase anything. Pick up a book and see what page it randomly opens on, or see what new sex toys are available.

Alternatively you could take a look online, but notice the difference it makes to be out in the world browsing and thinking about sex. Let yourself take all the time you need.


Visit a Sex Museum

If you’re lucky to have a sex museum near you then go and pay a visit! The Museum of Sex in New York City, has a permanent exhibition of over 20,000 artefacts of art, photography, clothing and costumes.

You could also check out the Exotic Heritage museum in Las Vegas, founded by the unlikely partnership of a preacher and a pornographer, who believed that sexual pleasure and its depiction and celebration should be available to all regardless of race, gender or belief.

Further afield, The Vagina Museum in London was founded in response to the existence of a penis museum in Iceland. It’s the first museum solely dedicated to vaginas in the world.

Read: It Took Way Too Long but We Finally Have a Vagina Museum

Erotica Writing Class

Sexual desire is often sparked by something outside of ourselves, but ultimately it comes from within. So what better way to cultivate it than trying your hand at some erotic stories? You could start by brainstorming a list of your ultimate fantasies and then taking time to write them out in vivid detail, incorporating all of the five senses. Or take it one step further and enrol in an online erotic writing class like Between The Sheets with Rachel Kramer Bussel.

Read: It's Okay to Take a Sex Break

Take Time to Destress and Breathe

If the thought of sex completely turns you off, then the idea of dragging your unwilling sexual self on a date may not seem that appealing. Cortisol, the stress hormone, can interrupt the feel good hormones that ignite sexual desire, so if you’re feeling run down then the best date you can go on is to simply nurture yourself.

One way to do this is simply by breathing more consciously. As Barbara Carellas says in the Tantric Sex Mini Book "sexual energy travels on the breath" so taking time to learn tantric breathing from this book might just be the ultimate date.

Kate Orson

Kate Orson is a freelance writer, and author of Tears Heal: How to listen to our children. She writes, about self-help, parenting, and more recently, sex! She is currently working on a memoir; A Cut in The Brain, about her experience of having the LEEP procedure, and her recovery from side effects that doctors didn't warn her about.

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