How to Flirt... With Consent!

When we hear the word “consent,” many of us fast-track to how it applies in a sexual setting. But the topic relates to so many situations beyond the bedroom, including one that’s oft-overlooked – flirting.

I have a much easier time imposing my boundaries in an intimate, sexual setting, than in social situations with strangers. There have been countless times I’ve been made to feel uncomfortable by a stranger occupying my personal space, saying inappropriate things, or touching me, even casually, without consent. Most of the time, they’re obviously trying to flirt with me. But the way they’re going about it is all wrong.

So, in a #MeToo era, where people are more conscious of issues of consent, how do we handle the spontaneous act of flirting?

First things first! Knowing how to flirt is important, both in digital and IRL settings. It’s how we invite others to connect and signal that we’re into them, in a more-than-just-friends kind of way. It signals that we may want to dig deeper, into a more intimate relationship.

Read: Flirting: Where Subtle Meets Sexy

It can be done for fun or with intention. But when it’s done with intention, it can sometimes come off as creepy if the person is trying too hard to achieve an end goal. So, if you don’t want to be weirdo, here are some things you can do (and still flirt successfully).

1. Respect Boundaries

Okay, this is an important one: Pay attention to a person’s boundaries.

I get it. You’re super into someone and want to grab their attention. You’re willing to do anything to make a good impression. That’s great and all – only if that enthusiasm is reciprocated.

Ask first if someone wants to engage. This may seem like a perfunctory gesture but asking for consent is a big deal in a world where female-presenting people are pretty much always expected to be polite and participate. Everyone has the right to choose whether they want to engage (or not), without any explanation owed.

Read: Why Consent is More Complicated Than a Cup of Tea

2. Ditto for Personal Space

If you’re flirting with someone IRL, be mindful and do not infringe on someone’s personal space unless given physical cues or verbal confirmation signalling it’s OK. Don’t be that jerk who doesn't know how to flirt and pushes an undesired agenda.

Also, do not touch another person without explicit, enthusiastic consent. This is non-negotiable. You may think a casual hug or arm around the waist or shoulder is OK, but unless the recipient clearly says it is – it is not OK.

3. Non-Verbal Indicators of Attraction Are Not Permission

In my experience, some (often male-identifying) folks interpret friendliness, such as a subtle smile or even basic friendly banter, as a sexual come-on, even if it isn't meant that way. It's important not to misconstrue those things as something they're not. If someone tells you they aren't feeling it, take it for what it is and leave them alone.

If you are on the receiving end of a flirtation and you’re not into someone, the easiest way to shut down a conversation is by being direct. You can still be polite while doing so, but if they can’t take a hint, screw being respectful and nice. All the conditioning we’ve been force-fed (I speak as a female-identifying human) not to hurt someone else’s feelings often does us a great disservice.