“It's always worth bearing in mind that everyone's definition of kinky is variable. I've dated people who initial(ly) said they weren't into kink, then halfway through fucking they're whispering absolute filth in my ear and asking me to tie them up and choke them,” Louisa Knight, a BDSM and kink professional tells Kinkly.
What matters is how critical kink is to you on a personal level. “It can often be easier to date people who also self-identify as kinky, so that you're more likely to have some shared sexual interests (or at least a familiarity with the scene),” Knight says.
Kleinfeld explains that the role kink plays in your overall dating life depends on just how kinky you are. Meaning? If you have a very specific fetish and/or are an active part of the BDSM lifestyle you may want to explore avenues that cater to those specific needs. “I'd recommend finding partners on Fetlife or through kink events like munches,” she suggests. To learn more about Fetlife, check out their website and do some exploring. It’s an online community built just for kinksters. If kink plays a central role in choosing a partner for you, it might just be the place to start. But be warned, Knight says you might run into some serious creeps on these kink sites. Then again, have you ever been on Tinder? Maybe that's just a part of dating life, kinky or not. *sigh*
You might run into some serious creeps on kink sites. Then again, have you ever been on Tinder? Maybe that's just a part of dating life, kinky or not.
Communication is your bread and butter
If you want to find a partner who is open to kink or want to explore kink with a current partner, your interpersonal communication skills are going to take the lead. You cannot pull off kink in dating, either casual or serious, without talking about it. “Navigating kinky sex requires top-notch sexual communication. Invest in learning how to negotiate your needs, wants and boundaries,” Kleinfeld adds.
If kink plays a central role your sex life, it’s best to figure out exactly what someone is into so you get a better idea of your compatibility. “The best solution around that is giving people the space to express themselves in whatever way feels good, opening up good channels of communication around sex, and not getting too attached to a set label if it doesn't feel right for both of you. I've always found sharing sex menus with someone new I'm dating to be a fun exercise in this regard too,” Knight tells us.
If you’re looking for a relationship with kinky aspects, you can’t just expect the other person to know that. Sometimes, people are just looking for a kinky sex partner - and that’s all. The same thing happens in every other dating scenario. If you want both, say so. Many kinksters are looking for love too.
“In dating, I do really notice that kinky people are far more inclined to really think about their sexuality in a way that people whose desires are presented as 'normal' aren't required to. I often find that if someone's done that analysis in one area of their life, they're more likely to have extended it to others, such as really thinking about their emotional needs around sex and intimacy, or considering their relationship to monogamy,” Knight says.
If you’re after something long-term, the only way you’re going to get it is by expressing those desires. Why waste your time on anyone who isn’t down for that? Sure, easier said than done. But, it’s a good place to start.