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Do you have any tips for coaching a guy who isn’t great in bed?

Ducky Doolittle
Profile Picture of Ducky Doolittle Ducky DooLittle is a sex educator from NYC. She is also the author of "Sex with the Lights On: 200 Illuminating Sex Questions Answered". Ducky has appeared in the New York Times, HBO's "Real Sex", "The Morning Show", MTV, NPR, "The Howard Stern Show" and Playboy TV, to name a few.  Full Bio

Do you have any tips for coaching a guy who isn’t great in bed?


Studies show that the No1. way we all learn about sex is through gossip. It’s not true for every guy, but the second most popular way that guys learn about sex? Watching porn. Porn can be fun, funny, and you can learn how to talk dirty and see new sex positions you might want to try. But it’s not anything like the kinds of sex most couples have. So it’s no wonder your guy may need some help.

The very best way to coach him is to be honest with him. Most lovers really want to please their partners. But he can’t read your mind. So start there. Is he a sloppy kisser? Does he orgasm too fast? Does he take too long? Does he not understand your pleasure anatomy? Does he lack creativity? Because to be good in bed can mean different things to different people. Figure out what you want and that will help you define how to express your wants with him.

Use Words
Some sex conversations work best immediately after the act, when the two of you find yourselves laying in the nude with experience still thumping in your bodies and fresh in your minds. You can recite what you loved and then offer another idea of what you would like to try next time. Or a flirtatious text message the day after can be an awesome way to tell him what you loved about your sex bout from the night before. And other times it may be easier to talk about sex face to face and with your clothes on. Experiment with your timing. I say talk about what you love because I want you to speak in positives. Reaffirm what is right as you address what needs to be changed. Tell him what he does that you enjoy and tell him when something is not working. Don’t hint at things. Be upfront. This may be hard, but it establishes a sense of trust. He knows you will tell him the truth. The first time you do this it can be really difficult, but once the door is open you’ll find it easier to express yourself in these ways. Take it slow. Express yourself around one particular act at a time. Give yourselves a chance to explore your new ideas and then tackle the next lesson when the time is right.

Use Your Body
Move your hips when you are enjoying his motions. Make little noises to express that he is hitting the spot. And touch yourself when you feel the urge. Let him use all of his senses in these learning lessons. If he is smart and present in your sex play, he’ll let your sounds guide him. He’ll watch what you do as you touch yourself and steal your moves.

Learn With Him
I really love the book called "The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know." Read it together and point out the things you really want to try. This can take pressure off his current performance and instead feel like you are developing a wish list of wants together. Ultimately, just do your very best. Sex is a life skill, like learning how to cook or to manage money. For some people it is a priority, for other’s it is not, even when it is a detriment to the health of their relations or family. Expressing yourself honestly is the only fair way to give him a chance to live up to your desires.

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