My partner refuses to let me NOT orgasm, even when I don't want to have one. Is there any alternative to faking it?

Kristen Mark
Profile Picture of Kristen Mark Dr. Kristen Mark is a behavioral health scientist with an academic background in psychology and public health and a research interest in sexuality and romantic relationships. She is currently an Assistant Professor and Director of the Sexual Health Promotion Lab at University of Kentucky in the Department of Kinesiology & Health Promotion within the College of Education. She is also Affiliate Faculty at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University.


Kristen is the survey director at Good In Bed. As a blogger, her work as appeared on Huffington Post, Kinsey Confidential and Psychology Today.

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Q:

I don't like to orgasm all the time. It just takes too long and things get too sensitive. I still enjoy sex even when I don't really want to orgasm. The problem is that my partner refuses to stop until I've gotten off. Because I can't, I usually just fake it for some relief. How can I explain my situation to him?

A:

Your reason for faking an orgasm is a common one for women. In our orgasm-centric society, people tend to inaccurately equate orgasm with satisfaction. What is most likely to prevent an orgasm from happening? Focusing on having an orgasm rather than being in the moment! So this is a feedback loop that is hard to escape. Your partner thinks he is being an attentive partner by focusing on your pleasure, but this is actually detracting from it.

I would start explaining this situation to him by simply being honest. Start with a compliment - tell him you really enjoy sex with him and maybe even be specific about something you particularly love. Tell him that you find sex satisfying without an orgasm, and that if you feel pressured to orgasm, you’re not going to orgasm. If you approach this from the stance of trying to improve your sex life and, in turn, your relationship, he should be receptive to this feedback.

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