The Key to Good Sex Isn’t Spontaneity - It’s Proper Planning
If you’re like most people, your life is probably over-committed and you’re just trying to survive. Food, work, family and sleep are crucial elements. They eat up a big chunk of the day. Sex is still important to any romantic relationship. Although a lot of couples will prioritize other things over it, you actually need to put time aside and commit to it.
The Science Behind Sexual Satisfaction
According to a study published in The Journal of Sex Research, people who plan ahead report being more sexually satisfied than those who take a more laissez-faire attitude to getting laid.
Psychologists at Ruhr University Bochum in German surveyed 966 couples about the quality of their sex lives and their personality traits. They found that conscientious people benefited from higher sexual fulfillment and suggested that these people may benefit from longer, more fulfilling romantic partnerships. Setting time aside for intimacy could also contribute to better communication without judgment, they suggested.
Here are a few tips to help plan intimacy (and have!) better sex:
Schedule a Date
I know, a lot of people believe scheduling a date kills all spontaneity. You plan doctor's appointments, work meetings and happy hour with friends. Why not plan intimate time with your partner? Think back to the early days of your relationship for a second. You made plans, got dressed up and most certainly looked forward to time with your partner. I’m guessing most nights ended with sexy time, right? That build-up over dinner and a mad make-out session in the parking lot probably led to sex later at home. Bring back the (sex) date night. If you put time on the calendar to enjoy your partner, it’s hard to imagine that not having a positive impact on your relationship.
Keep It Simple
You don’t have to carve out hours on end or a plan a big, elaborate date to spark your sexual connection. Sure, it’s nice to go out for dinner or on a day trip, but if you hold out to make all the bells and whistles happen, you may miss out on some quick, fun and low-key sexy opportunities. There’s something to be said for staying in bed an extra 30 minutes or scheduling a nooner.
Sometimes, scheduling things allows for plenty of build-up to the main event. There can be long spells between dates with me and my partners. I love the flirty back and forth in between. When we finally do get to meet, I’m hot, bothered and ready to go. We may only meet for a short date once a month, but even a few hours of togetherness leaves me looking forward to the next time.
Check Your Expectations
Be flexible with your expectations. If your scheduled sex date isn’t everything you hoped it would be, that’s OK. Just do your best to show up and focus on sensual pleasures in whatever capacity you can.
Intercourse Isn’t a Requirement
There can be a lot of expectations tied to penis in vagina (PIV) sex. The thing is, you don’t need to have it to have an incredible sex date. There are so many ways to pleasure a partner – PIV is only one of them. Sexual contact can be as simple as laying naked together or an erotic massage. Mutual masturbation is super-hot as well.
Make It a Regular Thing
Here’s one of the many magical things about sex: The more you have it, the more you want it. If you make sex a consistent priority, it should only beget more juicy sexual energy. As far as I’m concerned, you’ll never regret kissing, touching or having more intimacy – whatever that looks like – with a partner.
If You Don’t Use It, You’ll Lose It
Sure, we can all use the, “I’m too busy" excuse. I understand. I overcommit just as much as the next person. The problem is that a lot of couples fall into the fatal habit of putting everything else before their sex life. Like, it’s going to wait in the wings forever for just the right moment to make an appearance. That’s not how it works. If you let your sex life deteriorate, it takes time to rebuild it. Even if you can’t give it your full attention, it needs some nurturing. If you love your partner, even kissing or touching your partner with some regularity will increase your intimacy. I find that when my partners and I engage in consistent physical touch, we are more likely to want sex.
Shift Attention When It’s Needed
If you’re having sexual issues within the context of your relationship, it can be helpful to re-prioritize your personal needs and interests, at least temporarily, and give some extra love and attention toward areas that need help.
So maybe the thought process behind spontaneity and a kick-ass sex life is backward? Perhaps, by scheduling sex dates, you create dedicated time where you can be as spontaneous as you’d like within a set time frame? And maybe, just maybe, when it comes to having good sex, those with the best-laid plans finish first.
Ryn Pfeuffer is a versatile print and digital writer specializing in sex, lifestyle, and relationship topics. Over the past two decades, her work has appeared in more than 100 media outlets including Marie Claire, Playboy, Refinery29, The Globe and Mail, The Washington Post, WIRED, and Thrillist.
She adopted a pseudonym and was AVN’s (Adult Video Network) first female porn reviewer – while penning children’s books at the same time. More recently, she is the author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating (2019). She lives in Seattle with her rescue dog, Mimi. You can find her on Twitter @rynpfeuffer or IG @ryn_says