Masturbation and solo sex

Stroke That: How to Rub Her the Right Way

Published: JUNE 4, 2018 | Updated: APRIL 7, 2020
Your hands are so sexy, but are you using all the petting possibilities available to you?

I worked at a copy shop. It was not a glamorous or sexy job, but it paid the bills. Some days the job required me to stand for mindless hours at a counter taking orders. Customers would line up and wait impatiently for my time. As they stepped up to the counter they would pass me their documents, and I would take the details of their orders and pass the jobs on to the machine operators.


I had little interest in the customers. I did not want to know the details of their day; how they needed this in a rush because they had a flight to catch. I was not interested in interpersonal contact. For this reason, eye contact was not required. But as we passed papers between us I took to really looking at their hands. They innocently shuffled papers and pointed out details of their jobs while I perved their skin, fingernails and gestures. I could determine how well they cared for themselves, if they performed manual labor and what kind of dexterity they may have in these moments.

Ultimately I sorted customers into two piles: yes or no. Yes meaning I would have sex with them based purely on what I could glean from looking at their hands. Or no, I would not. It was a simple game where I got to objectify people for my own sexual amusement. It passed the time.

Upon confessing the details of my game to other females over the years, many have admitted that they assess hands too. Women look at your hands. How well you care for them speaks to us. And how well you use your hands on our bodies tells us even more. Your hands are sexual tools. Here are some tips that may turn your partner upside down.


Read: Kegels, Mirrors and Sex Toys: How I Learned to Have My First Orgasm at 31

Thigh Play

An orgasm, no matter how it is triggered, is a series of involuntary muscular contractions. Those muscles span out into a woman's inner thighs, which means that the thighs are a part of every orgasm. When you touch her inner thighs, you are in direct contact with her orgasmic platform. Beyond that, inner thighs are very erogenous. No one touches a woman's thighs but her lovers. That means that we are hyper aware of any touch we receive in this area.

How to do it? She may like to feel your fingers move slowly up her thighs. If you are a little rougher, you might give her inner thighs some slaps or grab them with confidence while you tell her how hot she is. This will get her heart thumping before you even head for her sweet spots. (For more insight, check out The No.1 Secret to the Female Orgasm.)


Full Frontal Contact

Stir more anticipation by holding the palm of your hand over her whole vulva, pressing against it while covering her completely with the warmth of your hand. Hold it there longer than you think you should. Really. Hold it ... until she starts to wiggle and ask for more.

Stroke It

Ready for friction? She is. Using a quality lube will amplify the fun. Try water-based or silicone. Each will give a very different experience. Try both. Best of all, lube will protect her skin from the microscopic friction burns that can happen even during light play. This will keep her body healthy and make longer, hotter bouts of play not only possible, but way more fun. (Get more advice on how to choose a lubricant in The Ins and Outs of Sexual Lubricants.)

Run your wet fingers up and down, from her perineum to near her clit, dipping a finger or two just inside her vaginal opening every now and then. Let your middle finger be the lead with your thumb grazing her clit with each stroke. Then watch. Her breath will deepen and her body will open up. These are signs she is happy. Pay attention to her response and develop the pace and rhythm that meets her needs.


The Clit Is It (Or Not)

I would never be so bold as to tell you how to touch your lover’s clit, but I can give you lots of inspiration and insight.

The clitoris is not a button or a pea or a pearl. It’s actually a little shaft about one inch long that is covered by a protective hood of skin, right where the labia come together at the pubic mound. Thousands of nerve endings gather at this one area. These nerves go deep, under her lips, then span up towards her navel and between her legs, past her anus and up her spine to connect directly with her brain. The clitoris is so deeply embedded in a woman's sexual anatomy that today we call it the clitoral complex. (Learn more about this amazing part of a woman's body in Holy Clit, Batman! 9 Amazing Facts About the Clitoris.)

Some clits are so sensitive that she may not want you to touch it at all. Other women want a lot of rough circular motion, and hard pressure against the pubic bone. Some women prefer no direct clitoral contact, but like a little rubbing to the left or the right. Learn her. Start light, gauge her response and put what you learn to work.


Steal Her Moves

Here's an easy one: Encourage her to touch herself, watch what she does and steal her moves. When a woman touches herself, she is communicating with you. She may also communicate verbally, by talking with you or making sounds. So fuck her with your ears. She will also talk with her body, so watch for subtle movements, tension, release of tension, quivers, hips rising, toes pointing, breath being held or becoming deeper. Pay attention, be present and learn her body.

Take Her There

If your intent is to excite her, then experiment. If your intent is to give her an orgasm, then you want to go for consistent, rhythmic movements. You might feel her thighs, ass or pelvic muscles pumping with your motions. If not, tell her you want to feel her muscles pump with you. This will inspire a bigger orgasm.

Read: From Little Orgasms to Badass Ones: How I Learned to Be More Orgasmic


When you find the motion and the spot that has her going over the edge, stay there - don’t let up. The worst thing you can do is find something she really likes and then move on to something else without responding to her reaction.

Your Best Sexual Tool (Really)

Regardless of gender or orientation, there are no sexual tools that can compare to your hands. From the soft pads of your fingertips to the warm palm of your hand and all the little muscles that make their movements so versatile, your hands are amazing. And learning to use them can be an amazing experience for both of you.

Like this article? Check out Ducky's book, "Sex With the Lights On: 200 Illuminating Sex Questions Answered."

Ducky Doolittle

Ducky is a Certified Sex Educator and a Sexual Assault & Violence Intervention Counselor. She brings a warm, nonjudgmental, holistic (whole body) approach to sexual wellness. She is also the author of Sex with the Lights On: 200 Illuminating Sex Questions Answered. Ducky has been featured with Playboy, The New York Times, The History of Sex on the History Channel, NPR, HBO, MTV, Vice, ABC News, and MSNBC,...

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