This sounds like a lot to process! Relationship conversations can often feel tricky, especially when high emotions are involved. Not to mention bringing both kink and non-monogamy into the mix.
BDSM practitioners regularly face stigma and misunderstanding about what it means to be kinky. And one of the most common misconceptions is that BDSM is abuse. But there’s a vital difference — BDSM is consensual. That’s where standards like SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) come in. Every BDSM 101 class and book emphasizes the importance of consent.
But if you’ve never taken the classes, or read the books, BDSM can look scary from the outside. Especially if you’ve spent a lifetime seeing mainstream depictions of kink on shows like "Law & Order" — where the kinksters are all dubbed perverts and bad guys.
If your male partner wants to understand you and your interests better, perhaps he could take an online class, read a book, or listen to a podcast to get a sense of the BDSM community — without putting you in the position of needing to educate him. If he wants an easy place to start, Kinkly has some great resources in its BDSM section. Once he has some background information, it might be easier to have another conversation.
Sometimes it’s the language used around kink that can scare people who aren’t familiar with it. He saw flogging and felt like it was violence. But a better way to frame it might be an "intense sensation." Or maybe he could even think of it as rough sex. Sometimes it only takes a small change in the way activities are being framed to make them more approachable or understandable.
As for watching you and your girlfriend together — there are infinite ways to configure a non-monogamous relationship, and him getting to watch definitely isn’t required. Whether or not he’s harshing your vibe, there’s no reason you owe him a show.
Despite mainstream belief that non-monogamy means all orgies, all the time — group play is more of an exception than a rule. Sure, some folks enjoy threesomes or are even in full-time triads. But it’s much more common for relationships to exist in parallel. Even platonic hangouts aren’t required. Not everyone is into kitchen-table polyamory, and that's okay!
Tell your partner that you’d prefer to keep your relationships separate. And while you never need to justify your preferences, you can explain, if you want, that having an audience changed your relationship dynamics in a way that didn’t feel great.
These conversations will give him a better understanding of you and your interests. Hopefully, his BDSM education will include learning not to yuck other people’s yum.
