Sexual health

Lively, Liberated, Lubed: Promiscuous, Over 30 and Loving Every Minute

by Kinkly
Published: APRIL 21, 2014 | Updated: JULY 1, 2020
Women who seek advice from relationship experts on how to find a man to marry are told to keep their legs clamped shut. I happen to agree. But what about if your idea of a fulfilled life doesn't include a husband, three kids and a mortgage?

The sarcasm dripped off of her words and pooled at Kate's feet: "You’re gonna make a great wife and mom one day!! You’ll be able to teach your children everything you know about being an adult! Kudos!!!"


Presumably she had just read my article, "My First Major League Baseball Fuck," because she was trying to leave a comment on that post. But then again, she probably didn't. Most haters don't bother to actually read the work produced by the people with whom they disagree.

Lurking behind her curtain of anonymity, I found another attempt by Kate in my Wordpress trash heap: "Does anyone actually believe that an old cunt bag like you will have round two with a sexy man with options? (Providing the picture you use is actually even remotely close to what this supposed "hottie" looks like?)."

She doesn't think so. I know better.


The Sexually Active Woman Over 30

According to Kate, sexually active women who are over 30 years old are not the least bit desirable to attractive men. In other words, the men I choose to spend my time with are the rejects of sweet young things who have more to offer than me. That may be the case with some women who actively seek casual sex, but I doubt it. (Is casual sex a good thing or a bad thing? Find out what the research says in Is Casual Sex Right for You?)

Sexually adventurous women (and many of us do not come to this point in our lives until we are older than 40, let alone 30) have a certain milieu women like Kate will never understand. Rather than being "spread like mustard and then dropped like a bad habit," as she suggests, we are cherished for what we do offer.


I Don't Want to Be Your (or Anyone Else's) Mother

Women who seek advice from relationship experts on how to find a man to marry are told to keep their legs clamped shut. I happen to agree. Men put women into boxes, and if you want to fall into the "long-term relationship" box, then you have to follow the rules. There's no way around it.

But what about if your idea of a fulfilled life doesn't include a husband, three kids and a mortgage? Do you need to follow the rules if what you truly desire is lust filled passion instead of dirty diapers?


The answer is YES, you do have to follow some rules. They just happen to be a different set.

Lady in the Street ...

The idea that a man is looking for a "lady in the street, and a freak in the bed," is true in the world of casual sex, but it does not play out well for women and men who are looking for a more traditional kind of relationship.


Single men who choose to form alliances with women who are comfortable with being a lady/freak, typically do not marry those women. Men may claim to want that lady/freak juxtaposition for a wife, but in all reality, most choose the good girl.


That's good news for couples who don't want an ongoing, robust sexual relationship, but it's not terribly practical if you choose to abide by the societal norm of monogamy. A woman who doesn't want to have sex with you before marriage isn't going to change her stripes after you walk her down the aisle.

The good girl may be fine with sorting his socks, and wiping the noses of their children, but in many cases he's off spending time looking for another woman. A woman like me. His hunt for that sexual stimulation doesn't miraculously go away just because he promised to ignore it when he got married to the woman who wouldn't put out.

Not all men cheat, of course, but more than half of all marriages do include some form of infidelity. That number is also pretty close to how many marriages end in divorce. I'm not here to point fingers at who is to blame here. All I'm saying is that if you wanted a good girl, then you were a fool to suppose she would get her freak on once the added responsibilities that come with having a family get added to the equation.

Rules for Promiscuous Women

Some women prefer to remain single. Of those, some may choose to be good girls, and some may choose to be celibate, but a lot of us out there prefer to be sexually adventurous. Even though this life may seem more open on some levels, there are rules here too.

Rule number one is to do your best not to let the Kates of the world bother you. There are a lot of disgruntled people out there who place a lot of blame for their unhappiness on women (rarely men) who are happy being promiscuous. My approach to my interactions with men may be outside of the mainstream, but it works for me, so I'm OK with it. I'm also OK with the knowledge that some people cannot handle my decisions.

The second big rule is to understand that if you decide to get entangled in relationships with men that are sexually based, there's no point in trying to alter them into something else. Appreciate the lust and stop trying to turn it into love. Know what you're getting into and either accept it, or play by the other set of rules that good girls are forced to live by.

Always protect your body and your psyche. Not every woman (and not every man) can handle a purely sexual relationship. Condoms are a must if you're promiscuous. No exceptions. Respect is another biggie. If you feel as though what you're doing is not your thing, stop doing it. Also, if someone isn't treating you the way you wish to be treated, find someone who will. That person is out there. (Read more about casual sex and what it means in Casual Sex Rules.)

The last thing to remember is that for many of us, this is a lifestyle we plan on embracing for a lifetime. We've chosen this path and are fine with it because it offers the things we're looking for. Moving from good girl to slut is easy - moving back in the other direction isn't as smooth. Once you decide to embrace the sexually spontaneous life, your reputation will follow suit. Know what you're getting into before taking the plunge so you're not surprised if you have a hard time getting off of that carousel.


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