How to Understand Your Sexual Accelerators for Better Sex

When we talk about sex drive, desire, and sexual arousal, most of us have no idea what causes any of it or why our bodies do what they do. We find ourselves going in frustrating circles with our partners, wondering why we have a lower libido, why they want sex all the time, and why we just can’t seem to get in the mood.

It’s not a shock to anyone that Sex Ed in schools is an absolute nightmare. Since parents don’t have honest discussions about sex with their children, and teachers don’t explain anything beyond STI scaring and condom use (if you’re lucky), porn is the de facto sex education we wind up with.

We know nothing of desire, our potential for pleasure, or how to understand our bodies. It’s no wonder why we’re all so messed up about sex.

Here’s a term you may not have heard before, but which can serve as a catalyst for profoundly better sexual happiness: accelerators.

“Being able to identify your accelerators allows you to have answers and add direction for your partner,” explains Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist. “If they’re asking [what turns you on] that means they want to know how or what you respond positively to before or during sexual experiences.”

This discovery leads to better sex.

Everyone has these sexual on-buttons within them (with the partial exception of the asexual community). They key is figuring out what yours are and how to ignite them.

What Makes Us Want (Or Not Want) Sex

If you want to know how sexual response actually works, it’s both straightforward and, as many things in sex tend to be, complicated.

Sexual response happens in four phases: Excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution.

In the 1970s, after greater research, desire was added as the first phase. While the sexual response cycle was first thought to be linear (hat tip to sexual pioneers, Masters and Johnson), we now understand that the response cycle is non-linear, often circular, and different for different people.

What’s more, how each person gets to this response cycle in the first place is also rather subjective. Emily Nagoski, PhD., author of Come As You Are explains The Dual Control Model; our brain's system of "accelerators" and "brakes" that govern sexual response in a non-linear way.

“Accelerators” are things that propel you towards sexual feelings, they push you forward toward wanting sex.

Your “brakes” are sexual inhibitions. They hold you back. When your brakes are going strong, your brain is thinking: Nope. Now is not the time for sex.

Understanding your accelerators, discovering them, and exploring them can help you have better, more satisfying sex. The same goes for understanding those “brakes” we mentioned.

“There are times when unconsciously or consciously, we experience sexual "brakes" that contradict our accelerators. Understanding both of these can be empowering,” says Rebecca Alvarez Story, Sexologist & Founder of Bloomi. “It's helpful to understand both, so if there are any triggers of past negative sexual experiences, or simply things that turn you off, you can recognize them and communicate them to your sexual partners”.

What accelerates your sexual response is unique to you and there is no shame in that game.