What do you when you want more orgasmic pleasure in your life? Try a new sex position, sex toy, or lover? What if everything you needed to be orgasmic was right here, right now, in this present moment?
How Mindfulness Can Help You Have Better Orgasms
Mindfulness: In the Here & Now
Mindfulness is the practise of being aware of the present moment, of letting thoughts about the past or worries about the future float by, and focusing on the sensations that make up your current experience.
If you practise mindfulness regularly, you may find that you start to feel a sense of peace and bliss simply from just being present. Practise mindfulness during sex, and that sense of bliss can feel pretty orgasmic!
‘’Learning to be present during sex is one of the main things that can bring us more pleasure. When you’re present, you simply notice more, you feel more sensation, you’re with your body, which actually wakes up the nerve endings in your sexual organs.’’
So if you get the feeling there’s something more to sex, becoming more present could be what you need. Here are some practical tips for bringing present moment awareness into your sex life.
1. Practise Outside the Bedroom
When sexual energy is at its peak, it is actually quite challenging to stay present with such strong feelings pulsing through you. One way to your ability to remain mindful during sex is to practise your mindfulness skills outside of the bedroom. This helps improve your ability to stay focused as desire rises. You could try a meditation app like Headspace or Insight Timer. You can also find a local meditation class near you.
As you learn the skills, begin to use them off the meditation cushion and in your daily life. Focus on being present during your daily activities such as driving, loading the dishwasher, or talking with a friend.
Next try it during masturbation or sex. Focus on your breathing, and the physical sensations in your body. If you notice parts of your body becoming tense, try to consciously relax. If thoughts come, just notice them and let them move past before returning to what’s going on in the present.
2. Let Go of the Fantasy
Fantasies can be a great way to get turned on. Whether it's something you’ve seen in porn, or a hot sexual memory from your past, visualizing it in your mind can increase desire and arousal.
However, fantasy also draws you away from your body and into your mind. You end up being less present in your body and physical sensation. If you find yourself relying on fantasy to experience pleasure, try this instead: Take a deep breath, and drop down into the body. Relax, and focus on what you are feeling. Let fantasies run through your mind and notice them if they come, but don’t make a conscious effort to ‘think’ the fantasy. Stay with the physical sensations of the here and now.
In that moment of noticing and relaxing, you may find yourself experiencing a deeper level of pleasure that comes from within.
3. Let Go of Worry
Anxieties and concerns can also get in the way of being in the present moment. Whether it’s worrying about whether a partner is experiencing pleasure, or concerns about looks or body size, thoughts can take you out of awareness of your body, and into your mind.
Many of our hang-ups aren’t really justified. For example if a partner loves and desires us, then we can breathe, relax, and let worries about our looks float by, and come back to the present moment.
If thoughts are more complex or persistent, it can be a good idea to address them either with conversation with a partner or with a therapist. This can help you to process difficult emotions so that they don’t get in the way of enjoying the present.
In the moment, if you notice any thoughts or concerns, some of these may be accompanied by tension in the body which interferes with your experience of pleasure. Gently try to relax tense muscles so that pleasure can flow more easily.
4. Let Go of the End Goal
Sex can become a race to give or receive an orgasm, and with a goal there can be thoughts and worries about reaching it, or not. What if I ejaculate too soon? What if my partner doesn’t give me enough pleasure to orgasm?
Goal related thinking takes you out of the present moment, and can cause physical tension as your body responds to negative thoughts. So instead of focusing on the goal, return to the sensations you are experiencing in the moment. You may find, when you really focus that pleasure is already there, and isn’t a goal you need to strive towards.
Hilary Kimball says:
‘’When you take away the goal, and just be present with what’s there in the moment, a whole new world opens. You learn to relax into pleasure instead of contracting with it, which expands the pleasure and cultivates a higher quality and quantity of sexual energy. When you do this then the energy can spread throughout your physical and energy body, and it feeds you with it’s life-giving, creativity and vitalizing properties.’’
Hilary Kimball's Two Practises for Becoming More Present
- Set a timer for three minutes and speak out loud all the moment sensations you feel in your pelvis. You can do this whether you’re aroused or not. Say ‘’I’m noticing x, y, z.’’ So for example, ‘’I’m noticing a pulsing around my clitoris...I’m noticing a tension on the right side of my vagina...I’m noticing a feeling of heat around my vaginal opening...I’m noticing a contracted feeling around my womb.’’ Keep to descriptions of sensations, rather than emotions. This keeps you focused on your physical body, rather than the mind. If you have a partner, you can do this with them, taking turns, or by yourself.
- Set a timer for five mins (or however you want to practise.) Set an intention to keep your presence in your pelvis. Start with a few minutes of breathing into your pelvis. Keep breathing, and then imagine that your sexual organs are able to sound whatever you’re experiencing in that moment. Make sound aloud while simultaneously breathing into your pelvis. Finally, add movement, so you’re moving your pelvis in circles or waves, while at the same time breathing into sound sounding from it, keeping your attention present in your pelvis.
Kate Orson is a freelance writer, and author of Tears Heal: How to listen to our children. She writes, about self-help, parenting, and more recently, sex! She is currently working on a memoir; A Cut in The Brain, about her experience of having the LEEP procedure, and her recovery from side effects that doctors didn't warn her about.