Happiness Is a Warm Bottom: Finding a Good Submissive

One of the special things about the BDSM community is how it embraces self-definition.True, dominants are often given control, while submissives, on the other side of the spectrum, are usually the one’s giving it. Yet, what type of top and what type of bottom is up to those involved. Even the basic idea of tops and bottoms can be blurry because of all kinds of new forms of play appearing all the time. Vive la différence!

Always Play Safe

As long as those involved adhere to the basic fundamentals of BDSM, that play should always be safe (both physically and emotionally), sane (done with a clear head), and consensually (without any doubts), then go for it. Make your play yours.

That being said, there are some tips and techniques that tops (whatever form they take) can use to hopefully locate a fun and responsible play partner. One that, for them, will be the warm bottom they’ve been looking for.

The Where

So where does a dominant actually locate a submissive? The first answer to this is usually the internet: kinky dating sites or BDSM community ones like Fetlife. The second way is to get out there in the real world: at social BDSM things (munches and classes and the like), or at kinky conventions.

The thing about meeting anyone, online or in person, is that you must understand not just how to act, but also how to develop good instincts, and so begin to be able to read what potential playmates are saying … or not.

One of the biggest mistakes tops make when trying to find a bottom to play with is treating everyone as just that: as bottoms. You might be a top, but that never gives you the right to treat others as if they are already your submissive.

Instead, approach and deal with people as equals ... not bottoms, not subs, but as people. Not only is this respectful and polite, but it also keeps the lines of communication open. As we will be discussing shortly, that is crucial to creating a fun and safe BDSM experience.

It’s actually a kind of a joke in the leather scene that you can tell an inexperienced top, or one that hasn’t learned manners, if they wear their domination on their sleeve. Actually, calling it a joke is a bit too light. It would be better to say that they are often viewed with scorn. In short: don’t be that "guy" (or "girl" or "person").

Instead, if you find someone interesting, introduce yourself politely and respectfully. Ask if they might be interested in talking with you. If they say no, then thank them and leave them alone. Do I need to say that again? I shouldn’t, but the sad fact is that far too many dominants think they should never be told no.

This is not just disrespectful. It's also a flat-out dangerous mindset. If you think that being a top is about never being wrong or respecting the physical and emotional well-being of others, not just your submissives, then you have no place in the BDSM community. No means no, whether in person or online.

So, let’s say things are going well, and you’re having a good conversation. You feel it’s time to start to negotiate. What happens next?

Communication, Communication, Communication

I might sound like a broken record, but the absolute first thing a top should look for in a bottom is their ability to communicate. I know a lot of dominants use almost ridiculously long checklists of things for their potential submissives to fill out. This might include things they must have in a BDSM experience to have a good time, things they might consider doing and things that are hard limits for them.

There is nothing wrong with these lists. In fact, I thoroughly encourage tops to do just this. However, a list is a just a list. It’s much better to get more detailed information - and not just what is wanted, what might be wanted, and what isn’t wanted in a scene.

A great question to ask is if they have any play experience. This will help you see what you might learn from them or, if they are new, what you can teach them about BDSM play ... or learn together. Another great question is asking them to share any good, as well as bad, experiences they may have had. The idea behind this is to get an understanding of not just what happened, but also what lead up to it - and what happened after.

It’s also really important to be clear and upfront about yourself. Say what you want, might consider and don’t want. Don’t ever lie about any of this. Do not lie about your experience level. There is nothing wrong in saying that you are new and want to learn. Kinky people love to teach and a lot of submissives would leap at the chance to teach a new dom!