This is an excerpt from "Yes, MIstress: Why Men Crave Female Domination" by Alicia Zadig. It has been reprinted here with permission.
Excerpt: 'Yes, Mistress' by Alicia Zadig
Sebastian starts his day as usual. He’s always been an early riser, getting up at 6:00 a.m. to head to the gym for a workout. Then he goes home to shower and change for the office. With an
eighty-hour workweek, stamina and focus are key, and his early-morning exercise routine sets him up for productivity. But this isn’t an ordinary day. A shiver of anticipation runs up Sebastian’s spine. He pulls out a suit from his closet. He wants to wear something that will carry him into his evening without getting so dressed up it piques his colleagues’ interest. It will be easier if he can slip out without having to field any questions from them about his six o’clock “meeting.”
Sebastian hails a cab. He scrolls through emails on his cell phone during the fifteen-minute commute from his West Village apartment to his office in Midtown Manhattan. The calm quiet of the morning shatters as he strides through the glass doors, like he owns the place, into the buzzing hive of the firm.
Sebastian is a natural leader with an Ivy League education. His natural British charm, coupled with his strong and assertive personality, have enabled him to climb the ladder faster than most. He has always enjoyed working in finance. Rising through the ranks to lead a small team has shifted his workload from crunching numbers to managing people.
His morning passes quickly, with a constant stream of “I can’t do this” and “Can you help me with this?” Before he knows it, his lunch meeting at a restaurant near the office is ending. His heart leaps as he realizes his evening rendezvous is drawing closer.
On his way back to work, he slips into a lingerie store. Sebastian purchases something special for the occasion, as he’s been instructed. He ditches the conspicuous pink-and-silver shopping bag in a trash can on the street, slipping the sexy red lace number into his pocket. Back at the office, another flurry of meetings packs his afternoon.
Sebastian is always cool and collected when he’s busy. But in a quiet moment between obligations, he can’t help but feel an underlying sense of anticipation. Standing in the middle of the bullpen, under fluorescent lights and amid a cacophony of phones ringing and printers humming, he considers how surreal it is that the room he will enter in just a few short hours is so close by.
He goes to the men’s room and slips on the sexy panties. It seems impossible that these two worlds can reside in the same universe, much less the same neighborhood. The sensation of the lace against his skin brings home the reality of their coexistence. As he walks back through the bullpen to his desk, he can’t help but feel that anyone paying attention can see a bit of red lace peeking out above his waistband. His belt and tucked-in button-down shirt make this a remote possibility. Still, the thought excites him even more—the dichotomy between his two worlds is part of the thrill.
Sebastian leaves the office around half past five o’clock. His assistant is busy on the phone. As he walks by, he taps her desk, and she looks up. He nods and says, “Enjoy your evening. I’m headed out.”
It’s only when he’s on the street that his adrenaline spikes. He walks the three blocks in record time and lingers on the corner. He’s waiting for the exact agreed-upon time—he’s never to be late or early. He takes the elevator up and knocks on her door. This is his absolute favorite part: The door opens, and he leaves all aspects of his refined British sensibility behind, dutifully positioning himself on his hands and knees. A collar is placed around his neck, and with that the dynamic is established. He’s ordered to strip down to the lacy red panties he’s been wearing underneath his suit. He has no idea what will happen next, but one thing is certain—Sebastian is not in charge anymore.
Andrew is a ranking military veteran who has served for thirty-two years and has been on the front line in five wars. He is divorced with two kids. When he is not providing private security, he likes to surrender to a Dominatrix, undergo hypnosis, submit to a flogging, and be placed in restrictive bondage while having his nipples teased.
Zev is in the real estate industry. He is an Orthodox Jewish man who prays three times a day, keeps kosher, and observes the Sabbath. Most evenings, he enjoys family dinners with his wife and three kids. But every two weeks, he wants to be ordered to wear women’s lingerie, worship his Mistress, and be used as a spittoon.
Steven manages a team of financial analysts on Wall Street. He has been married twice and has a wide circle of friends. His alternate lifestyle has gone undetected since college when he began visiting fetish clubs, attending kinky parties, and even performing onstage at fetish events. His desire is to be of service to a demanding woman who enforces her control through slave training, physical discipline, emotional torment, and gender confusion.
Edward is married with two kids, and his hobbies include running marathons and playing classical piano. He owns several companies and employs nearly one hundred fifty people. But when he needs to go mentally void, he craves being hypnotized, treated like a puppy, given a golden shower, and used as a footrest with my feet on his face.
Mike is a U.S. Army policeman. He is divorced and describes himself as “a tough son of a bitch.” He loves to obey a woman who takes charge, particularly one wearing a strap-on who com-
mands him to his knees and orders him to suck her big black rubber phallus.
These seven men are broadly representative of the thousands who regularly play with Dominatrices. Their kink might be shocking to some, but they are far from unusual. From all ages and walks of life, and across all socioeconomic, religious, cultural, and societal spectra, these men pursue their submissive desires with women who are skilled in helping them realize their fantasies and bringing them to life.
They choose to be tied up, seduced, aroused, humiliated, disciplined, teased, denied, and pushed to their limits. Many have their own little secret: They’re accomplished, respectable, and highly successful men who are wielding their power in the boardroom, office, or courts of law one moment and kneeling before their Mistress the next.
How do I know all these secrets?
I am Mistress Alicia.
I have been fascinated by male submission throughout my adult life. My initial curiosity became a lifelong passion. I worked as a professional Dominatrix and eventually managed my own studio.
For more than a decade since, I have explored my interest non-professionally as well as professionally. My extensive experience with submissive men gives me a unique insight into the psychology and dynamics of female domination and male submission. While dominating innumerable men in my professional and personal lives over the years, I inevitably began to wonder what was going on inside their bodies and minds.
What were they seeking, and why did they seem to benefit so much from the experience? From there I began making the inquiries that led to this book, which shines a light on an aspect of sexuality that is frequently misunderstood.
There is a wide gap between what we think men want and what they really want. We live in a society in which men aren’t encouraged to share their true desires about their sexuality and eroticism—what they fantasize about, what turns them on, and what they crave.
While it’s not widely acceptable for men to reveal that they want to be dominated, a great many of them do. Having studied more than four thousand Americans’ sexual fantasies for his 2018 book "Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life", researcher Justin J. Lehmiller, Ph.D., found that only seven percent of men have never had a BDSM fantasy.
“The vast majority of my participants reported fantasizing about both dominance and submission; however, more people reported submission fantasies, and they reported having
them more often than those who had dominance fantasies.”
So, why do we cling to the idea that men are exclusively dominant? The answer lies in outdated stereotypes of masculinity that often drive men to want to switch up gender roles. As the spectrum of human sexuality becomes increasingly broad, even in mainstream culture, it’s time for this idea to change.
Female domination, also known as “FemDom,” is widely misunderstood. After mentioning to someone that I am a Dominatrix, these are among the most common responses I hear: “Oh, so you beat people!” and “You must meet a lot of freaks!”
I do many things as a Dominatrix, and of course beatings can be one of them. But to reduce domination to that single act would be overly simplistic and inaccurate. As for being “freaks,” the men I play with are by and large successful, well-educated, interesting, and physically attractive. Even though they are submissive to me during our agreed-upon scenes, they are not necessarily submissive in their day-to-day lives. The word “slave,” which is sometimes used to refer to the men in this context, isn’t intended to be degrading or humiliating. It simply reflects the power dynamic. Even the language we use to set up a time to play takes this into account: “When can I serve you?” a submissive will ask.
I adhere to a strict code of conduct and play only with consenting adults. I learn and respect their limits. I place a premium on their safety and well-being, providing them with “safe words” and “safe signals” that will stop play instantly at any time. I continuously monitor them. If I detect any undue stress or discomfort, I immediately discontinue the activity. I provide a safe environment so that they will enjoy the many tangible benefits of BDSM—psychological, emotional, and spiritual—that you will learn about in the pages that follow.
So, why do these men want to submit? The short answer is that it fulfills an intense desire. Many men derive deep satisfaction and emotional benefit through ceding control to a Domme. Female domination can be a positive and sometimes transformative experience, especially when it is approached in a thoughtful way by a caring and empathetic woman. Men also seek out the experience for the joy and pleasure it provides them.
Researchers have written of the experience as follows:
As play, BDSM is an avenue whereby responsible adults can act in ways that violate many of the
norms of adult socialization. Safely and consensually acting out fantasies is promoted and generally encouraged. Scenes may involve role-play-ng and typically involve a power differential between partners, shared assumptions about the experience, and mutual consent.
People in society at large don’t normally talk about male submissive desires, much less consider that BDSM may hold significant benefits. These positives have been largely unexplored and unstudied by mainstream psychologists and social scientists. This book is, in part, an attempt to use my own personal experience to shine a light on this very real and important aspect of human sexuality.
Want to read more? Buy the book here.
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