Can I Just Be So-So Sexual … Please?

Published: SEPTEMBER 22, 2014 | Updated: JANUARY 12, 2022
Sex positivity is empowering, but it doesn't mean that your libido has to be through the roof.
I have a confession to make. On a scale of sexual appetite from one to 10, I'm about a five.

This isn't exactly an earth shattering confession, I know. But here’s the thing, I feel as if I should be some sexed up woman who's ready to go at the drop of a hat. I have a prodding fear that if I'm not always exploring my sensuality and sexuality, I'm doing myself a disservice. That if I'm not having explosive orgasms, or mind blowing foreplay, that I'm somehow missing out.

Don’t get me wrong. I love that women are now exploring their sexuality. I love that we can talk about our vaginas (and even call our vaginas vaginas instead of down there). I love that we now know what our clitoris really looks like, and that we can be proud of our labia and all the different shapes and sizes they come in. I love that being sex positive is actually a thing now.(Learn more about sex positivity in What Does 'Sex Positive' Mean to You?)

All this is good, nay, great. But the downside to all this awesomeness (and I really don’t mean to spoil the party) is that - dare I even say it - there is just SO MUCH sex.

Sex is everywhere these days. All over women’s magazines, online, in movies and in TV shows. Articles about how to have better sex, more sex, more creative sex, and so on, are a dime a dozen. Again, this is great news for the progression away from sexual repression. For so long society told us (especially women) that we shouldn't be sexual or have sexual feelings, but now it seems the opposite is true.

To all the lovely women with higher sex drives than myself, power to you, but I have to admit that sometimes, I would rather have a really great meal than have sex. There. I said it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy sex. I do. I’ve been to my fair share of parties. I've experimented, swapped, stroked, spanked, and gotten into all sorts of naughtiness but sometimes, I just want to put on my sweatpants and eat cake. (If your libido really does need a kickstart, read 5 Unexpected Ways to Boost Your Sex Drive.)

It's not that I don't get aroused, I'm just not horny all the time. To be completely honest, left to my own devices I would be satisfied having sex once a week. This is hard for me to admit. Not only because I write about sex, but also because in my industry high libidos are often equated with perfect sexual health. I’m pretty sure that once this gets published someone will reach out to me and offer to help me find my true sexual self.

Here’s the thing. I’m not unhappy. I’ve explored, tested and experimented with my sexuality enough to last a lifetime. I know myself. I know how to get myself off and I know my turn ons. And yet, I haven't been able to admit that I often feel so-so about sex until just now.

In the spirit of being sex positive, here’s my advice to all you ladies (and men): it is completely fine to not want to have sex all the time. Or at all. I know there are a lot of mixed messages out there, but at the end of the day it is the relationship you have with yourself that matters the most. The day I gave myself permission to accept my average sexual appetite was the day I felt most comfortable.

We are sexual beings and we define our own sexuality.

Want to be more sex positive yourself? Check out 5 Ways to Become More Sex Positive - And Have Better Sex!
Coleen Singer

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at (@ssshforwomen), where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of "Fifty Shades of Grey" and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car...

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