One of the emotional cornerstones of any D/s relationship is the power exchange. No matter what form you choose to pursue it in, without one person taking orders from another person in some manner, the "power exchange" aspect of the relationship will fall to the wayside. Whether your D/s extends beyond the bedroom is up to the two of you. Even if it doesn't, the imbalance of power is what makes the D/s function.
9 Ways to Reinforce Your D/s Dynamic With Technology
However, most of us live busy lives. Finding time to assert our dominance or submission can be difficult, especially if you don't live with your power exchange partner. Luckily for all of us, when minutes start running short, technology can be used to help reinforce that power exchange dynamic.
Whether you live together or not, technology can make distance irrelevant. If you live apart, the following apps and routines can quickly become the protocol that you use to reinforce your power exchange dynamic ... even when you can't see each other. If you live together, these apps and routines can be used to preserve valuable face-to-face time that would otherwise be spent on household and life logistics instead of fun. It wasn't rare in my household for "kinky night" to turn into "let's do all of the household chores and talk about our schedules to make sure they match up" night. Using technology helped reduce that.
As a note, within this article, the term "D-type" and "s-type" will be used. Instead of assuming your preferred relationship structure dynamic, this allows me to make the distinction between the "D-type" (aka "Dominant Type," aka the person making decisions in the power exchange relationship) and the "s-type" (aka the "submissive type," aka the person choosing to follow those decisions in the power exchange relationship). Whether you identify as a submissive, Domme, bottom, Master, pet, Leatherman, or anything else, these suggestions can still be very useful for you - regardless of your chosen title.
Read: A Bushel of Dominants - What Kind of Top Are You?
Now that the preface is out of the way, what do you say we get onto the juicy stuff? Here are some fun ways to incorporate technology into your lives to reinforce your D/s, M/s, or power exchange lifestyle.
Learn a New Skill
Let's do more fun perverting of vanilla things. With the popularity of the internet, learning how to do things online is becoming more and more common. Videos and courses are popping up that are very thorough. Why not use this to your advantage? A D-type can require an s-type to put some regular time toward learning a skill that they find useful. Detailed videos and courses may be available for a fee, but YouTube always offers lower-quality (yet free) options. The D-type may require the s-type to watch a specific video or learn a specific thing. The D-type may then require the s-type to show off what they've learned. This can be hair styles, pedicure/manicure/make-up techniques, dance moves, rope bondage ties, cooking or baking meals, properly cleaning a household appliance, making something in a new way (coffee with a French press versus using a coffee pot), or things like that. The "final show off" can be in-person, in videos, or via photos depending on your relationship.
Demand Photographic Proof
Most of us already use some form of photo messaging on our phones. Why not make it kinky? Photos and videos can be used for lots of things. You can require photos as "proof," like with chastity or bondage. You can use photos and videos to ask permission, such as laying out two outfits and allowing the partner to choose which will be worn that day. Photos and videos can also be used as a fun way to share information, such as requiring a photo or video that shows that the s-type is masturbating or playing in a way that the D-type commanded them to. Photos and videos can also be used for more "mundane" things like proof that chores have been completed.
Conduct Online Play Sessions
Here's another one that people have been doing for years: online play sessions. When the two of you can't be physically together, schedule a time where you can meet online. Video conferencing apps like Skype make video play sessions possible while many apps can handle your text-based play sessions.
Both of you can meet together on the app at the designated time. Once there, the D-type can take control of the s-type's fun, especially using any of the suggestions made on this list. These sessions can be used for mutual masturbation or they can be used as an all-night method of control that keeps your s-type under a "real-time" power exchange relationship where the D-type is in control throughout the evening. For real treat, try using interactive sex toys like the Kiiroo Onyx2 masturbator and Fuse rabbit vibrator. Once connected via an app, these toys can "feel" what's happening with the other toy and provide stimulation in turn. It's the closest you can get to having virtual sex.
Share a To-Do List
Are there things that need to be done in your household on a regular basis? Are you frustrated by spending valuable scene time trying to keep on top of your partner's inability to complete those tasks? Consider sharing a to-do list like with the Todoist app. Whether both partners are doing all of the items or the D-type is just using it to clearly explain all of the things they want the s-type to do, the Todoist app can be really helpful for making a clear list of what needs to be done without having to spend the time talking about it or reminding a partner.
Keep Track of Self-Care
Once again, technology is here to help us. In the world of digital information, you can use various apps to keep track of your partner's self care. No matter what your dynamic is like, these apps can help you check-in and see how your partner is doing as well as to remind them to make a change, if necessary. Use MyFitnessPal (and become friends with one another on it) to access to your partner's food and exercise log. This reinforces your watchful eye by messaging them when you see they haven't been on-track. More focused on getting all that stuff done that needs to be done? Use ChoreMonster to set up regular chores for your partner and see them checked off in real time. ChoreMonster even allows you to set "rewards" if they stay on top of things!
Read: Self-Aftercare Basics for the Single Kinkster
Assign Necessary Texts
Instead of requiring photos, you might require a partner to send a text. Texts can be used when the person is unlikely to want to snap a photo or only if information needs to be shared. An s-type might ask their D-type to send a good-night text every evening to know that they're on their D-type's mind. A D-type might ask the s-type to send a "made it to work" text every day, so they don't have to worry about the s-type's safety. Maybe one partner wants to require the other partner to send a "made it home from work" text to know when the partner is available for some fun assignments.
Set Up a Shared Calendar
Especially if you're in the power exchange world within a polyamorous relationship, keeping track of time and "who will be where" can quickly become a huge time sink. You might find yourself texting your partner questions about their whereabouts two weeks from now and then texting them again asking if it's date-night tomorrow night. Instead of wasting valuable fun time on logistics, consider a shared calendar. Google Calendar is a popular option, but there are lots of other shared calendar apps out there; find one that works best for you.
Read: A Polyamory Tool Kit: 5 Tips for Managing Your Relationships
Use Audio Capabilities
Most cell phones have built-in audio note programs. If yours doesn't (or you find yours lacking), there are quite a few free apps for this as well. While these apps were designed for note-taking and productivity, you can use them for nefarious means too. Here are a few fun options:
- Instead of just typing your task, the D-type can send a full audio file to the s-type with everything they expect from them.
- The D-type could pick out an erotic story and read it out loud in an audio file for the s-type to masturbate to later.
- The D-type could require the s-type to verbalize everything about their current favorite fantasy in an audio file of their own.
Most people tend to feel more comfortable typing than speaking out loud. There's something so sexy about hearing a stutter or nervous giggle from your s-type as they force themselves to speak things out loud.
Sexy, Sexy Sex Toys!
We're alive in a world where teledildonics exists. What is that? Well, they're sex toys designed to be controlled over the internet. Even if you aren't in the same room as your partner, you can still control their vibrator or sex toy and make your presence known. Teledildonics is still a small industry, but a few pioneering companies are already making exciting products. Companies such as Kiiroo make vibrators, anal toys and male masturbation sleeves that can be controlled through an Internet connection from anywhere in the world. Check out a review of Kiiroo's Fleshlight Launch and Fuse couples' set here.
Inspired D/s Over Long Distances
Now that you have some inspiration, it's time to think about how practical these ideas are in your life. All of these ideas can be fantastic ones, but unless they become part of your daily routines, they're going to flop. If you or your partner forget to check your to-do app on a regular basis, nothing is actually going to get done. If you aren't going to stay on top of your s-type to send you those goodnight texts every night, that habit is going to quickly slip by the wayside. While all of these ideas can be fantastic ways to incorporate D/s into your relationship with the help of technology, not all ideas are going to be applicable to your own dynamic - and that's OK! Try to pick and choose the best ones that work for your relationship(s).
These ideas should provide a few benefits for your relationship, including streamlined productivity, reinforcing the dynamic, or fun. If it's not doing any of those three, it's probably not a good fit for you.
Mistress Kay has a fondness for all things sexual. With a house that's quickly running out of room for all of her reading and vibrating pleasures, she spends her free time reading, writing, and learning about the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World.