You don’t need us to tell you that the holidays are a stressful time. Sure, pretty lights, presents, parties and family time are fun - but they are seriously hectic and exhausting, too. Sometimes it feels like a non-stop hell-storm from Thanksgiving until New Years.
Thank god for sex toys. They are such magical devices. They have the power to instill in us wonderment the likes of which you haven’t known since you were young enough to actually enjoy the holidays, stress-free.
In the spirit of giving, allow us to give you the greatest gift of all: six ways sex toys can get you through the holidays. Because we all need something to look forward to when Aunt Reeta has decided she’s singing show-tunes, loudly and without pause, until she leaves for home on December 26th.
1. Orgasms Always Make You “Cheerful.”
Orgasms are the key to every single problem. That’s a fact. We don’t make the rules.
Have a headache? Masturbate. Hung over? Masturbate. Your mother-in-law is being completely unreasonable about the guest list for the holiday party and is driving you to the edge of murder? Masturbate.
The holidays are about being cheerful, right? But if you’re freaking the F out about whether or not your dad will get too hammered at family dinner, you’re not going to be cheerful.
Masturbation soaks the brain in mood-elevating chemicals. So, whip out the vibrator, Rudolph! Go have an orgasm so you’re the happiest elf in the land.
2. It’s an Excuse to Be Alone (for Once).
You know what you never, ever are during the holidays? You guessed it! Alone.
Alone time isn’t even a concept when you’re balancing family, friends, office parties, and the ten-thousand pre-holiday tasks that need to be accomplished.
Your vibrator or masturbation sleeve or favourite anal toy (or whatever floats your boat!) will never let you down. It’s waiting for you. Go take a ten minute “lie down.” Go masturbate and force yourself to take a real, human break.
You deserve it. You’ve earned it.
3. It’s for Stress Relief, Duh.
Stress is basically synonymous with the holidays, in case you missed that fact while buried under a pile of wrapping paper wishing for death (JK, kind of). Luckily, your vibrator is there to be the proverbial Xanax you so desperately need right now.
Orgasms are nature’s way of thanking you for being here. They are stress-reducers with magical powers.
When you come, your brain releases dopamine and oxytocin, two of your body’s most powerful feel-good hormones. Dopamine is your body’s “rewards” chemical and oxytocin is your “love hormone.” Oxytocin has been shown to relieve pain, stress, and make you feel closer to your significant other.
So, for the love of god, go masturbate now. Go use that sex toy. It’s the only thing getting us through!
4. Everyone Needs a Little Holiday Exercise, Right?
Orgasms involve elevating the heart rate, increasing blood flow and the production of a host of different chemicals. That has to count for something where exercise is concerned.
While sources vary on actual burned calories an orgasm involves, they do definitely burn calories. Between eggnog and all those holiday baked goods, anything to get the heart rate up, amiright?!
Plus, if you use a partnered sex toy, you’re definitely going to be doing more work than you normally would. Any excuse to get off, if you ask us.
5. They’re a Fun Way to Reconnect With Your Partner.
During all of the holiday hub-bub, sex can take a backseat to other prior engagements and last minute errands. The thing is, sex doesn’t stop being important just because you get busy buying presents for your second-cousin, Larry, who decided last minute to come to the holiday party. (Seriously, you were supposed to be in Florida, Larry).
Sex is about intimacy and it’s crucial now more than ever. With all the familial stress happening in your life, you need that spark. Keeping it sexy will literally keep you sane. Your sex toy collection is a fun reason to get busy and take a minute to reconnect.
Not to mention sex toys pretty much make the best presents ever. What better way to reconnect with your partner than with that awesome masturbation sleeve you bought them to pump up the holiday cheer? Ho, Ho, Ho, indeed.
6. They Make Great Gifts for One and All.
Your sisters, work-wife, and friends will definitely think you’re the coolest person ever for buying them a vibrator. They are the gift that keeps on giving. If you’re brave enough, go for it.
They might laugh and think it’s “so funny” as first, but wait a few weeks. You’ll probably get a thank you by New Years.
You might even get flowers.
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