Gay sex can be intimidating. If it’s not my internalized biphobia giving me anxiety, it’s the taught compulsory heterosexuality telling me, “Hey! Kissing women is wrong.” I’ve had sex with a couple of women but, both before and after we were intimate, most of them said they were straight. I feel like that experience is unfortunately quite canonical for closeted queer women.
The Best Lesbian Sex Positions, According to Lesbians
Finding out what you like can be confusing and even a little traumatizing.
Last year was the first time I had sex with another woman who openly identified as gay and as a Lesbian. We were both so excited, and yet we barely spoke. We were nervous and I think we both confused each other because we didn’t know what the other wanted.
How could we? We never asked.
As all Queers do, I leaned on my friends and chosen family for support. Lesbian sex can be really special when both people feel comfortable, safe, and pleased. I wanted to hear what Lesbian sex can look like and feel like from Lesbians, so I asked.
Here are the best Lesbian sex positions, according to Lesbians, and some other insights I gathered about Lesbian sex:
(Editor's Note: There's no such thing as the objective "best Lesbian sex positions." The below suggestions are from two individuals who volunteered to share their experiences with us -- but, like all kinds of sex, the best Lesbian sex positions are the ones in which both partners feel pleased and safe.)
1. Doggy Style Sex
Col, one individual I interviewed, favors Doggy Style Sex.
“There is something so horny about doggy style," Col said. "What is great is you can eat people out in doggy style, you can fuck them, you can finger them. I think, in a lot of straight porn, doggy style is depicted as a [cis] man dominating a [cis] woman, because he's in this position of power…But in Lesbian sex that power dynamic is shifted if it's two people with vulvas, and a person is fucking them with a strap-on. Pleasure becomes the focus instead of power, even though power play is everywhere in sex.”
“When gender gets fucked with, power gets fucked with, and it leads to pleasure.”
2. The Butler Position
Imani, who was also interviewed for this piece, favors the Butler Position. Here's what they had to say about it:
“[I love it when] me or someone else is standing towards a wall, with their stomach facing the wall, their hands on the wall, and me or the other person being behind and fingering someone…You know, since the muscles have been coming in a little bit, I very much like anything where I can pick someone up and use a harness or strap,” Imani said as they displayed their muscles and laughed.
READ: How to Finger a Vulva.
For penetrative intercourse, Imani likes the Crotch Lift Position as a variation.
3. The Flag Stick Oral Sex Position
Col also described a favorite position similar to the Flag Stick Oral Sex Position, saying,
“My go-to position [is a] very basic position -- I’m a simple guy -- is laying on the bed and being eaten out or eating someone out, and that alone with fingering. That’s a classic and it's enjoyable…People can be exclusive tops and exclusive bottoms -- like I am all for it -- but I think a lot of people try to put that onto Lesbians. In a lot of Lesbian relationships, you’re switching! If I’m exclusively the top… I wanna be fucked maybe. Unless I’m like a Stone Butch or Pillow Princess.”
What is Lesbian Sex Like?
I asked Imani what they find really special about Lesbian sex.
“Part of me wants to be like the slowness, but I feel like it’s not always slow -- sometimes it can pick up very quickly," they said.
"I also kind of love dry humping, or just like when we’re both naked and there’s not some kind of object or device of penetration, just that simulation -- I fuck with a lot. It gets me there… the imagination.”
How to Have Lesbian Sex
"You got to talk to [your partner]," Col said. "Some people hate penetration, and some people love being fingered."
Col continued, “I am just a nervous person in general, so anytime I have sex with a new person the challenge that I encounter is me overcoming my nervousness to ask what they want because I have no expectation for what is going to happen, so I have to really think, and that requires communication."
"If you think there is a formula," Col said, "you’re fucked, because there’s not. You just have to find ways to make asking sexy -- which I think it is inherently, but I am an awkward person, so it's always a little awkward for me, but I make it charming.”
Imani also emphasized the importance of communication:
“When you are engaging with someone, you have to ask what they like. Maybe if you are fingering someone, for instance, you can ask, 'Do you want it slower or faster, or more circular?’ I think there is the aspect of listening to someone’s body too. But, also, people fake it, so just making sure you’re both creating an environment for each other where if you aren’t particularly enjoying something or you want more of something else you can be really vocal about it.”
Imani went on to say, “I think...we have been conditioned to think about pleasure for men or AMAB people, versus women or AFAB folks. Like, it’s easy to please [men or AMAB people] and really difficult to please us. I think I get really in my head -- if I am doing a good job, like, give me feedback.”
Finally, Imani had some more general advice about how to have lesbian sex:
“Don’t make the assumption that just because you have the same parts you know everything, and don’t feel like you have to model the ways you have sex off of cis-heteronormative things. And don’t take it personally. We all crave different things.”
Lesbian sex, like any sex, requires communication and consent. Whether you’re using a strap-on during doggy-style sex or dry humping, checking in on your sex partner or partners is always a good idea.
Col put it this way: “I think Lesbian sex, at its core, is creative and fun. It doesn’t carry the same heteronormative expectations that straight sex does- I mean there are expectations with all kinds of sex, but with penis-and-vagina sex, most times the goal is to orgasm. The flow of logic is disrupted immediately in Lesbian sex… like, 'where’s the penis?' If there’s a penis, in the form of a dildo, the penis isn’t going to cum… It’s fake, so you gotta start being creative.”
Now go have gay sex!
Lauren (Lo) Cuevas (they/she) is a Filipino social science writer, researcher, educator and artist with four years of experience writing on gender and sexuality topics. You can listen to their podcast on Sikolohiyang Pilipino or check out their photography and documentary films via their portfolio website.