Before we started dating, I told him what I would want and need to feel loved and satisfied while we waited - to give and receive orgasms, dirty talk while we are being intimate, and a metric shit ton of cuddling. Oh, and Gerard Butler movies on Netflix. Trust me, it fulfills a need. We talked about what he had never done but would consider doing with me, what he wouldn’t consider until he was married, and what he didn’t enjoy and probably wouldn’t ever consider barring an unforeseen change of heart. (Farewell for now, pegging fantasies, but thank God for this treasure to keep me warm at night. Malory Ortberg at The Toast is doing the Lord’s work.)
What If He Sucks at It?
People inevitably think we’re crazy for waiting. This is actually one of the biggest sources of frustration for me. Not the lack of sex, but constantly justifying that lack to friends and acquaintances. (And the endless bad jokes at my expense. I will slap the next person who speculates aloud on how often I must masturbate. That means you too, Grandma.) I never go out of my way to tell people that I’m not having sex. Since I stubbornly refuse to lie about it on principle, it does come up.
The most common “concern” I hear from well-intentioned friends is that our marriage will inevitably end in bitter divorce as shriveled up, sexless prunes because we won’t know if we’re sexually compatible until it’s too late. Let me put that shit to bed right now. I think that’s dumb. He’s not a car I need to test ride before I take him off the lot.
Sexual compatibility is crazy important, but it has very little to do with his technique in the actual act of penetration and whether or not he’s any good at it yet. We’re attracted to one another. As a physical lover, my little virgin is patient, generous, and fun-loving. I’m not worried about whether he’s mastered the Way of the Seventeen Erogenous Pillars of Crotch Wielding before we seal the deal. He can learn the technical bits later. What matters to me is that he cares about my pleasure, enjoyment, comfort level, and happiness as much as his own. And he does.
I had plenty of terrible sex before I dated a virgin. Experience didn’t make my former partners any less shitty at it. Yes, while most people haven’t been awkward virgins since they had curfews and listened to Blink 182, I do get an awful kick out of defining kinky words for him that he’s never heard of before. Unfortunately, he’s now caught on when I’m completely making things up to screw with him and has figured out that scissoring doesn’t actually involve jumper cables.
TL;DR
We practice chastity because we think sex is a good thing, and not a bad thing. Yes, it's possible. No, it's not for everyone. No, we don't think we're better than you because we're waiting. Basically, it’s just another sexual lifestyle, and personal choice. Being sexually liberated means that we both get to choose what we do with our bodies and when we do it. It means, necessarily, that we can also choose to do nothing at all or “frot” each other’s brains out. It’s a good time to be alive.
