In my mid-20s, I was always hard up for cash. Who isn’t? I was working a full-time job in publishing, but I could barely pay my rent in Brooklyn. My friend answered an ad on Craigslist that promised quick cash, no sex, and lots of fun. She wanted someone to hold her hand during the interview. I was that someone. That’s how I started moonlighting as a professional Dominatrix in a Midtown Manhattan dungeon. Not only did I learn the basics of role play, hog-tying, CBT, play piercing, cross dressing, infantilism and verbal sparring, but I also I learned about the fragile, perverted human condition. Most importantly, I learned to laugh harder than I’ve ever laughed in my life. Imagine walking down an ornately decorated hallway, entering a dark and mysterious dungeon, all sultry and seductive ... only to trip over a metal spreader bar in your stilettos. I affectionately call these stories my dungeon bloopers. Enjoy five real-life BDSM stories that I guarantee you won’t see or read in "Fifty Shades of Grey."

Dungeon Blooper No.1 - Medical Room Mishap

One evening, a distraught Mistress came running out of the Medical Room while sobbing because she'd accidentally left the enema cap on when she inserted it inside of her slave. The pressure from the water was strong enough to dislodge it. The blue cap was stuck inside of the slave! The poor Mistress was beside herself. I couldn't help but laugh. I told her not to worry. He would poop it out eventually.

Dungeon Blooper No.2 - Buggin’ Out

I had my slave's wrists and ankles bound. We were immersed in a scene. All of a sudden, I saw something run across the table out of the corner of my eye. One of the biggest roaches I’d ever seen in my life was running toward the slave's bum! Being the cool, calm and collected professional Dominatrix that I was, I nonchalantly reached over with a towel and tried to kill it (or at least catch it). I wanted to use it as a prop in our role play. Sadly, it ran away. My slave never knew how close he came to being screwed by a cock ... roach.

Dungeon Blooper No.3 - Pick of the Litter

A fellow dominatrix and I were preparing to gang up on our victim with some double golden shower therapy. We dragged him into the bathroom only to find that his new kittens had pooped in the tub. With the stench still thick in the air and his kittens meowing incessantly, we cackled demonically, demanded that he clean up the mess, get in the tub, and wait for what we owed him.

Dungeon Blooper No.4 - Wardrobe Malfunction

My slave was blindfolded and tied down in the gynecological examination chair. His wrists were tied behind his back. His ankles were tied to the stirrups. I was preparing to climb up on the chair and pee on him. This required me to remove my black, skin-tight, five-inch heeled, lace up, thigh-high stiletto boots. I tried unzipping the first boot, but the zipper got caught in the laces. Struggling, I hopped around the room. Ferociously, I tugged on the laces. I knocked into stainless steel cabinets and fell against the wall as intimidating medical instruments scattered across the floor. My slave remained bound and blindfolded. He fidgeted with concern. I reassured him that everything was OK. My bladder was about to burst. Finally, I was able to peel the boot off before I wet myself.

Dungeon Blooper No.5 - Chin-Chin

A Japanese business man who spoke very little English chose me for a session. He presented a card with the following instructions:

Dear Mistress,

I'm a Japanese sub girl "Mayuko"
Last night Mistres bought me to make me a anal entertainment and Portable Toilet

1. Check Body
2. Dog Training --> If Mistress says "Chin-Chin," Mayuko has to lift her leg up to down to show Chin chin. "Chin-Chin" means kid's penis in japanese.
(1) Flower Dog
(2) Candle Dog
(3) Chicken Eggs
(4) Portable Toilet "Golden Shower"


These precious instructions were hand-written on a Hallmark 'Thank You' card that said, "Words can say so little when someone's done so much."

Organized meticulously on a table to my left were fresh cut tulips, a candle with a bell on it, and five chicken eggs. To my right, an eager slave sat waiting for instructions. I placed a leather collar with a leash around his neck, forced him to lick my spit out of a dog bowl, stuck a candle with the jingle bell up his butt, and paraded him around the dungeon for all the Mistresses to see. I did the same with the tulips. He transformed into a flowerpot. The ladies laughed gleefully, screaming, "Chin-Chin" over and over at my submissive girl turned slave dog.

Then, I stuck three hard boiled eggs up his ass. He squatted and clucked with his arms flapping like wings as he laid the eggs. Two came out without hesitation. My 'chicken' stared up at me with a look of panic, made a constipated face, and said, "It won't come out." One of the eggs was stuck.