Anal sex can be a little frightening for straight guys - at least, at first. That doesn't mean they aren't interested, though. Here we'll take a look at some of the things that might concern a hetero guy who wants to try anal play - and provides some tips on how to have the best, most mind-blowing orgasm you can ever have.
But first, I want to add a note that this is an article for straight men, by a straight man. As a result, the terms and pronouns used here are geared toward heterosexual men in heterosexual relationships. Please don't take offense if these words do not match your sexual preference, relationship type, pronoun choice, or gender.
OK. Now let's address some of the concerns many men have about anal sex.
Does Anal Sex Hurt?
If you've ever had an unpleasant medical exam with an anal examination, you may think that all anal play feels like that. The truth is that people are nervous when they go to the doctor and tend to clench up a bit. This is one of the worst things you can do to start anal play. So, rule No.1 of anal play is to remember to breathe and relax! Relax your mind, relax your lungs, relax your legs, relax your butt and, most importantly, relax your anus.
What Will My Girlfriend/Wife Think?
Several women have come to me for advice on this subject. Their concern was that their man's interest in trying anal sex is a sign that he's gay or bisexual. According to a New York Times article published in December 2013, of all of the Google searches conducted in the United States that begin with "Is my husband ...," the most common end to the phrase is "gay."
Of course, in most cases, the husband in question is not, in fact, gay. This concern is really about a lack of control on the part of the female partner, and the real fear might have more to do with her partner's sexual adventurousness than with a real concern that he's attracted to the same sex.
Ladies, your partner's interest in anal sex is not a sign that he's gay. He is just getting his groove on in a way that feels incredible. Examining that kink does not mean he will stop loving you!
Why Would I Want to Have Anal Sex Anyway?
Anal sex is probably the most sought-after orgasm for those who've it experienced due to the flood of endorphins it produces. You will never feel a bigger, better orgasm in your life. (Learn more in Your Top 10 Questions About Anal Play - Answered!)
Does Having Anal Sex Mean I Might Be Gay?
There is a social stigma for hetero men if they feel, or appear to be, gay. This is a real issue for straight men who are not in touch with gay culture, advanced sexual techniques or sex-positive friends.
Fortunately, the first hurdle to overcome here is really simple: There is nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. Once you understand that, you just have to know that it's not what you put in your body that makes you gay - it's who you love (or love having sex with). If that sex involves anal play, that doesn't change a thing.
Now that you have made it past the idea that you're straight and want to try this, let the fun begin!
Many people worry that anal sex will be messy. It can be, but good anal hygiene will address most of those concerns. First, empty your bowels. Then, take a shower and clean your anus inside and out. If you're really concerned, you can even try an enema. Have some gloves handy for your partner (remember to use non-latex gloves if you're allergic to latex), lay down a clean towel and have some baby wipes ready to go - just in case. (Learn more in How can I keep anal sex from getting messy?)
There are a few safety concerns for anal play. Anal tearing is the largest of these, and can easily be controlled by lubricating the toy, finger, or tongue you are going to use for anal sex. You can never have too much lubrication. The type of lubrication that is best is a huge debate, and people are still arguing over whether water-based or silicone-based lubes are best. I actually prefer, as do most experienced anal players, a silicone lubricant. Rectal tissue is not self-lubricating and silicone lube lasts longer than water based. Also keep in mind that the fewer ingredients in a silicone lube, the less filler there is, and the better the lube. (Learn more in The Ins and Outs of Sexual Lubricants.)
There are safety issues with toys too. The biggest issue with anal toys is actually the fact that they can slip into the rectum - and that can mean a very embarrassing trip to the emergency room. Sex educators like to say, "without a base, without a trace." So, make sure the end of any toy you use anally has a flared base that will prevent the toy from completely entering the rectum. Next, you should look at the size and shape of the toy. Start with something smooth and small - about the size and shape of a finger - without sharp edges and let your anus adjust to the size of the item. Once you feel comfortable with a toy that's one-finger sized, move up to two-finger sized, then three. The toys you use should be made of silicone, hard plastic or metal - these are easier to clean safely. You can also put a condom over any toy you use. (Learn about the key types of anal toys in Anal Sex Toys 101.)
Top Techniques for Pleasurable Anal Play
Anal fingering is the best way to kick off any anal play. To start, lay down and have your partner lube up one or two gloved fingers. Slowly insert the finger, hold it, then slowly draw the finger back. Repeat. If you combine this with a hand job the feeling of pleasure is doubled. Lube should be reapplied as needed - and be sure to talk about what feels good, what doesn't and when you're ready for more.
Analingus, also known as tossing the salad or rimming, is the act of oral sex with an anus, and is another common technique for anal play. This requires a very clean anal area. Once that's taken care of, one partner can go to town with lips, teeth and tongue. This can be combined with a hand job for an incredibly pleasurable sex act called a "rusty trombone."
Pegging is the act of using a strap-on dildo to penetrate the anus. Find a strap-on harness that fits the female partner around the hips and a dildo that fits the harness and is the desired size and shape for the male partner. Any material you aren't allergic to that sits comfortably on the hips is great for the harness. A silicone dildo is highly recommended. (Check out the Anal Explorer Kit in the Kinkly Shop. It's perfect for pegging!)
Prostate massage involves fingering the anus as above, but in this case the finger is extended all the way to the prostate gland in order to lightly massage it. When this is coupled with a hand job or blow job, it makes for even greater orgasms. This technique is essential for male sexual health and can actually help prevent prostate cancer and increase the amount of semen produced. Prostate massage, or "milking," is a more advanced technique. You can check out the instructional Youtube video I made with Sunny Megatron on how to correctly and safely milk a prostate here. (Learn more in How exactly does one massage a guy's prostate?)
A Recap of the 5 Rules of Anal Play
Want to try anal sex or some other form of anal play? Don't forget the rules:
- Rule No.1: Remember to breathe and to relax
- Rule No.2: Clean your anus, and keep supplies like gloves, a towel and baby wipes handy.
- Rule No.3: You can never have too much lubrication.
- Rule No.4: Without a base, without a trace.
- Rule No.5: Communication, communication, communication!
Although it can be a little nerve wracking to try anal play for the first time, once you try it correctly and safely, you might just be hooked - and you'll probably wonder why you didn't try it years ago! So, good luck - and great sex!