Quality sex toys are expensive. And while the purpose they serve is pretty satisfying all on its own, the budget conscious among you might be wondering how much more ... uh ... bang ... you can get for your buck. Don’t worry, no need to lock yourself in a tower with your $200, phthalate-free, ultra-premium silicone vibrator (you know, unless you feel like it). There are many toys that you can use for all kinds of practical things, which makes forking out for them that much easier to justify. Here are five sex toys that are totally awesome at the purpose for which they were designed - and handy to use for other things as well. Just give them a good wash first, mmmkay?
If you’ve never owned sex furniture, you might wonder what it’s all about. Can’t you just have sex on any piece of furniture? Yes, yes you can. But a lot of said furniture isn’t very comfortable, washable or even safe. A survey conducted in Britain 2010 found that people sustained injuries by having sex on the sofa, a kitchen chair, the kitchen table and in a work cupboard (?), among other places. Unlike most of the furniture in your home, sex furniture is designed to be stable, comfortable and entirely lacking in sharp, pointy bits. Plus, while a fancy piece of sexy fun like the Liberator Esse Chaise will serve its basic function of making kinky sex positions more comfortable, it also serves another important purpose: It’s a perfectly ergonomic spot to relax. Or, prop yourself up on a Ramp for some bedtime reading. And, hey, if you position yourself just right, it might just get a sexy surprise from your partner anyway.
A Powerful Massager
Powerful vibrators, or "personal massagers" for you blush-easy types, have a big fan club. The Rolls Royce in this category is the Hitachi Magic Wand, and has been for, oh, about 50 years. Seriously. Why? This toy may not be discreet - it weighs 1.2 pounds and is 12 inches long. And it certainly isn’t quiet - the Redhead Bedhead compared the sound to a buzz saw. Heck, it isn’t even silicone, or waterproof, or rechargeable like most of its newer peers. But what this toy does well is provide the most pleasurable sucker punch of power out there, straight from your wall socket. That, in itself, is a pretty good deal for $50. But the "personal massager" label this toy is stuck with isn’t just a euphemism - powerful vibrators like this one are great for a tight neck, shoulders and other muscles.
A Wooden Dildo
Some dildos are utilitarian objects; big, fleshy things that are all about function and are best tucked back into the bedside drawer when you’re done with them. But not all dildos are creepy, flesh-toned parodies of the human form spit out of giant, penis-producing assembly lines. In fact, some dildos are lovingly created by artists, and are even referred to as "art objects." Case in point: Wooden dildos. They’re so lovely they look more like a decorative sculpture than a sex toy. Use one to work out your sexual frustrations, then clean it up and enjoy it from afar. It’s the best handmade, sustainable bedroom accessory you’ll ever own.
Ask any sex educator what sex toy they recommend the most and what ultimately trips off their tongues is "lube. Lots of lube." But, as it turns out, sex isn’t the only time you can’t get too much of the slippery stuff. In fact, it has a long list of other practical uses, including preventing blisters, smoothing hair and unsticking a jammed lock. Guess you’ll just have to suck it up and buy yourself the gallon-sized bottle of your favorite brand, right?
A Suction Cup Dildo
A suction cup dildo is a popular way to enjoy some hands-free fun, but it can also lend a hand around the house. After all, these things are durable, some of them are beautiful and they tend to have a very powerful suction cup to keep them in place - for whatever you need them for.
Exhibit A: Dildo toilet paper holder
Exhibit B: Dildo doorstop
I could only come up with one picture for this, so we’re expecting you, Kinkly readers, to make your own dildo doorstops and send us some higher resolution shots. Consider it your duty.
These simple sex toys are pretty common with the BDSM set, but they have plenty of other handy household uses, especially if they’re held together by a chain. Instead of that dorky thing you use to hold your glasses on when you’re playing sports? Nipple clamps. Need to hang up some photos? Nipple clamps. Need to hold a book open? Nipple clamps. Keep losing your mittens in the winter? Yup, nipple clamps. Seriously, people, we could make a whole Pinterest board for these babies. So, if you get some nipple clamps and they turn out to not be your thing, well, they’ll still be great to have around . If they do turn out to be your thing, well, consider getting another set for more domestic uses. Just sayin’.
Not only are sex toys becoming increasingly less taboo, it’s getting to the point where you really don’t have to be embarrassed about having them at all. So the next time you have a problem to solve around the house, don’t forget to check your other tool kit. Many of those items can be as practical as they are pleasurable. And hey, you might just get a kick out of seeing them lying around.
Got any cool sex toy hacks of your own? Share them in the comments!
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