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Your First Time In a Threesome

Published: JUNE 19, 2013 | Updated: FEBRUARY 15, 2022 03:34:51
When you invite another person to play things might get hotter ... or they might just get more complicated.

It’s been said that two’s company and three’s a crowd. But sometimes, three can be better than two - especially in the bedroom! If you’re adventurous and want to experience double the pleasure, a threesome might fit the bill. But adding an extra partner isn't always as easy as just inviting one on over. If a threesome's on your bucket list, here's how to get started - and increase that odds that it'll be a success for everyone involved.

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Why a Threesome?

Having a ménage a trois doesn’t have to be the messy and deviant act that society makes it out to be. In fact, having a threesome can bring you and your partner closer. For the right couple, it's also explosively arousing.

In fact, for uninhibited couples who want to get creative with new ways to explore their carnal desires, threesomes are a common way to do it. According to the American Sex Survey, conducted by ABC News in 2004, about 14 percent of Americans had been in a threesome, while another 21 percent fantasized about doing it.

So what's the appeal? There are plenty of reasons why people decide to participate in threesomes. For the truly sexually adventurous, it can improve the chances of remaining in a quality relationship, reduce the desire for infidelity and provide a way for people to explore their sexual desires with a long-term partner.

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Plus, a lot of monogamous couples choose to remain monogamous not because they want to, but because they just don’t know any better. According to psychotherapist and author Tammy Nelson in "The New Monogamy," 35 to 50 percent of people who cheat on their partners report being happy in their marriages when they do it. It seems that a not-so-small percentage of people feel compelled to explore sex with other partners. Doing it together can allow those couples to travel some new sexual ground together, and perhaps form a deeper connection in the process.

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Approaching Your Partner

If you and your partner already have an open dialog about sex, bringing up a threesome might be easy. In other cases, it can be a very difficult conversation. If you get shot down, you may end up having your own little threesome for a while - with you and both of your hands. Sometimes, that's a risk of being open. Whatever you do, don’t pressure your partner about it. Sex is a personal thing, which means you can't always find a middle ground. No means no. (Find out how to take the awkwardness out of asking for what you want in Yes! Why Consent Is Totally Sexy.)

If your partner is open to the idea about inviting a third party into the bedroom, you still have to approach the idea carefully, especially the first time. It's probably best to bring a threesome up as a possibility, and to make sure that your significant other knows that they matter most. Start by discussing your sexual fantasies and put your threesome fantasy out there. If your partner expresses interest, suggest that you two carry it out together.

Picking a Partner

Before the big night comes, you should also discuss if you want the third person to be a man or woman, somebody you both know or a stranger, and any other criteria that matters to you when it comes to choosing that new partner. (Get some tips on how to do this in Should my partner and I choose a male or female to create our first threesome?)

Engaging in a threesome with a couple can be a very intimate moment, and one that can be either super awkward or super arousing for the third party. After you and your partner agree on the criteria for your playmate, it’s important to find a willing participant who is excited and comfortable with the idea. If you have an adventurous and open-minded friend in your life, take them out to dinner and casually mention that you and your hubby are looking for a third person to be part of your sexual trio.

If you think having a threesome with a friend may become messy, you can also find a stranger to be part of your sexual fantasies. There are many nightclubs and websites that cater to people looking for threesomes or swinger relationships. Be sure to meet with the person face-to-face before any sexy time occurs, and also accompany them to a clinic to get tested to make sure everyone is healthy and STD free. (Scared of STD Testing? Here's Why You Shouldn't Be.)

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Photo for Stephanie Weaver
Stephanie Weaver
Stephanie is a freelance writer based in Philadelphia. She's obsessed with English bulldogs, scooters, roller derby and boots.
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