Nothing kills a mood faster than moving too quickly or misreading signs. I learned that the hard way with one of my partners. Rather than giving her a simple tie, I dove right in with multiple ropes, cloths, and biting. Needless to say, I scared her off pretty fast, and it is something I regret to this day. (Get more beginner tips in Why Bondage Can Be So Much Fun.)
Ask Them What They Want
This is a huge “duh” comment, but you’d be surprised at how often this gets ignored. Maybe you’re elated that your partner agreed, or you’re taking their assent as license to indulge your deepest desires, but take the time out to see what they know about bondage, and how best to blend your desires with theirs. Maybe they’d never thought about it before, or maybe they were keeping a similar secret from you, but you need to set that common ground before ever acting on it. Everyone comes from a different standpoint, and balancing your mindsets will save you a ton of emotional upheaval later on.
Fear Is the Mind Killer
This timeless line from "Dune" applies universally to a lot of things, but especially to the subject of bondage. Fear can kill any desire, destroy any semblance of trust, or transform something lovely into something uncomfortable in no time flat. Fear in bringing up the subject will either twist its significance in you and your partner’s head, or cause them to back away slowly because you’re acting weird. Fear in the act of tying can cause you to miss cues your partner is giving you, or cause pain via bad ties/positioning. Believe me when I say that fear can cause you to completely tune out everything around you, and that paranoia that you’re doing something wrong can very easily lead you to doing something very wrong because you're focused on the wrong things.
Be Desire-less, Be Excellent, Be Gone
This tidbit of advice was given to me by a friend when I was back in college. He used it as a central dating philosophy, but I feel that it comes in handy here as well. Don’t over-hype things in your head. Don’t have unreal expectations. Certainly don’t blame your partner if their expectations are not the same. When it comes to introducing something like bondage into a relationship, all you can do is ask, listen to your partner and perform alongside what they want. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. That’s it. There’s no magic bullet that can make everything happen the way you want it to. So, all you can do is be your absolute best, give your partner the best experience you can, and be prepared for what happens afterwards.
Remember, you are asking them to open up to another world, one that has significance to you. You respect them enough to ask if they want to be part of it. That goes a long way in establishing the trust necessary to create something beautiful. Everything else flows from there. Be open about it, and you might surprise even yourself.
When I first brought the idea of bondage play up with Lily, we were sitting in a hotel room in Portland in between events at a conference. I wanted to see her kneeling, with her wrists tied behind her back. After two false starts, I just came out and said it. She looked at me, blushed (I think), and the next thing you know, I was kneeling behind her in the midst of an energy transfer that was intense beyond belief. A month later, we were spending a weekend together and exploring more instances of rope and play. Two years after that, we have developed an intense relationship that is only enhanced by bondage play. Although we were both scared at the time, we were open to the possibility, we were straight with each other, we defined our boundaries, and then we shattered them as we realized we trusted each other more than either had expected.
Remember, it’s just bondage.
