How to pleasure

When Coming Becomes Routine: How to Have a Better Orgasm

Published: SEPTEMBER 11, 2019 | Updated: AUGUST 29, 2021
Any orgasm is worth having, but sometimes it pays to shake things up and try for new and different kinds of pleasure.

Orgasm boredom - that’s right, we said it. We’ve all been there, and we can admit that not all orgasms are equal. That doesn’t mean we should aim for an orgasm that’s “just OK.” We can all get into a rut - going through the motions and repeating what we know has worked a hundred times before, resulting in a lackluster, unsatisfying orgasm.


If this sounds familiar, you’re in luck: The path to better orgasms starts here. Our bodies are capable of some pretty intense sensations and mind-blowing pleasure, whether we’re with a partner or going at it alone with hands, toys or vibrators.

So, how can you break out of that rut and have a better orgasm? Sarah Brown and Ian Kulp, are here to break your routine and help you rediscover your capacity for pleasure.

SB: I’ve worked in women’s health and sexual wellness for more than seven years. That’s seven years of conversations about sex, pleasure and products with people all over the world. Often, there is such a lack of awareness that orgasms can be better. The one constant I have seen is that for many people, as soon as they know it is possible, they want it, now.


There is such a lack of awareness that orgasms can be better. The one constant I have seen is that for many people, as soon as they know it is possible, they want it, now.

IK: Having worked at Museum of Sex and now at Lora DiCarlo, I have heard both sides of the conversation. Many people have an idea of what they want, but when we get deeper into the conversation there is much more curiosity and desire to go beyond the current state of their sex lives and the standard vibrator. They want to get off, but more importantly they want to do it better and feel better while doing it.

SB: We’re in no way knocking the efficient quickie, rub, or wank but the “maintenance orgasm” can very rapidly become an unsatisfying finish, regardless of what anatomy you have or what you’re using. Mind-blowing, more pleasurable orgasms are possible. And there are so many ways to explore the possibility of pleasure.


The “maintenance orgasm” can very rapidly become an unsatisfying finish, regardless of what anatomy you have or what you’re using. Mind-blowing, more pleasurable orgasms are possible.

blurred image of woman in bed

Why Things Become Routine

IK: Our days are consumed by routine behaviors. It’s unsurprising that habituation can bleed over into our sex lives. In some cases, this can mean allowing pleasure to take a back seat or disappear completely. Once we’ve figured out what works for us - the perfect position, a perfectly shaped vibrator, or just the right amount of pressure - it’s easy to return to the same methods, over and over again. When we don’t allow ourselves the time to explore and reconnect with our bodies, our partners, or if we treat sex as just another part of our daily routine, it lacks the novelty and excitement that makes sex so much fun in the first place.

SB: This tendency toward utilitarian pleasure bears out in the data as well. In Lora DiCarlo’s Women’s Pleasure Study, we surveyed 1,500 women, which included statistically significant populations of cis-gendered, heterosexual and LGBTQ participants. When asked why they masturbate, the responses were pretty stark:


  • 68% said they masturbated to satisfy sexual arousal - yes, women masturbate because they’re horny
  • 60% said they masturbated to relieve stress/tension
  • 31% masturbated for self-care or to improve their sense of well-being
  • 30% said it helped them fall asleep

It’s a rather relatable set of responses. A stressful week at work has us reaching for our trusted electric friend to help us relax and fall asleep. A monotonous daily routine has us falling into bed and automatically assuming the same positions every night. Even if we have more variety in our hook-up partners, we’re going through the same motions with each one. The goal is an orgasm, any orgasm. By prioritizing short-term enjoyment, we’re forgetting about all those above-average orgasms we’ve had over the years, and all the potential pleasure we are capable of. There are a few simple ways to course correct.

By prioritizing short-term enjoyment, we’re forgetting about all those above-average orgasms we’ve had over the years, and all the potential pleasure we are capable of.

How to Have a Better Orgasm

Be Open to Different Types of Orgasms

SB: Whatever your go-to orgasm type is, skip it this time. We know that most women need clitoral stimulation in order to reach climax, but our bodies are capable of experiencing so many different sensations and so many different types of orgasms - G-spot, nipple, anal - why not be open to the possibility of a different kind of pleasure? Sometimes all it takes is being aware of the possibility of another type of pleasure to finally unlock it within ourselves. Give yourself a chance to relax and explore, without immediately zeroing in on that one spot or technique.


IK: This isn’t just for the solo explorer; partners can use Osé to learn how to be better lovers. There is something uniquely satisfying about bringing pleasure to our partners or supporting them in discovering their bodies. Stay open to the possibility of pleasure in all its forms. Let go of your inhibitions and let the fun begin.

Also, penis owners: You’re not forgotten here. We’re just as guilty of neglecting our many erogenous zones, so be open to exploring your own body as well, with or without a partner. From your nipples to your toes, and your P-spot to your perineum - it’s sure to be an adventure.

Did you know there are more than 10 types of orgasms? Many say that in addition to foreplay, stimulation of other erogenous zones produce the most satisfying orgasms, such as the blended orgasm!


Do a Hard Reset

SB: Sometimes it really is best to go back to the basics and start the journey all over again. Imagine if you had never had an orgasm and didn’t know what got you off. Where would you start? Leave the toys in the drawer, and focus on one part of your body at a time, starting as far from your regular routine as you can.

IK: Absolutely, take the time to reboot and reconnect with yourself. Revel in the rediscovery. Think back to that first whisper of pleasure and release, the uncertainty of what's to come and finally that release of ecstasy. That's what we’re looking for in revealing that magnificent orgasm.

Set a Date and Anticipate

SB: Anticipation can sometimes be as big of a turn on as the act itself, so schedule a date with yourself (or your partner) for exploration. Leave yourself a few reminders throughout the day, or send a quick text to your partner to keep you on your toes. Small things can add to the excitement that builds over the course of the day.

IK: Setting aside a specific time also permits you to set boundaries with your other obligations, giving you uninterrupted alone time. That way you can savor the experience, rather than feeling rushed and merely trying to squeeze something in 10 minutes before bed.

Solo or partnered, create the perfect adventure to rediscovering your orgasm and pleasure.

Foreplay, Foreplay, Foreplay, FOREPLAY

SB: A lot of our other tips are dependent on this one. Give yourself time to get revved up, build up anticipation and thoroughly explore other erogenous zones. Each of these aspects add up to a gradual increase in arousal over time, which creates dynamic nerve sensations, muscle contraction and release, and an opportunity for your brain to focus on the task at hand.

IK: Rome definitely wasn’t built in a day and your sexual exploration shouldn’t be either. Like we’ve been saying from the beginning: this is about more than just getting to orgasm quickly; it’s about the entire experience. The journey is a huge part of the destination (a mind-blowing orgasm). Consider what would take the experience to another level, like a nice glass of wine or some lingerie just for you. Give yourself that little extra something to indulge your fantasies and elevate the atmosphere.

Get Out of Your Head - and Out of Bed

IK: Sometimes the best way to get out of a rut is to literally get out of the space you’re in. Find a new location for lovin’ - the shower, the kitchen, outside or maybe the back seat. Switch it up. It’ll be sure to ramp up the heat and lend to new sensations.

Try a Different Type of Toy

SB: Going hands on is great and a vital part of really understanding your anatomy. But sometimes it can take finding the right tool to really get the results you want. It’s especially important to have a versatile toy, in order to explore the many different possible sensations. That is one of the biggest benefits to Osé: it is completely customizable to perfectly fit your unique anatomy. We’ve analyzed hundreds of women’s measurements to be sure that Osé fits as many body types as possible.

IK: It’s also good to get a toy that has functions you or your partner can recreate themselves. For example, Osé doesn’t vibrate at all. Instead, it mimics the movements of a (really talented) partner. That means it’s a great tool for teaching you or your partner how to recreate those sensations.

In Closing

Pleasure, sex and even masturbation are about more than achieving orgasm. Yes, we all want to achieve that mind-blowing, earth-shattering orgasm. There are so many ways to discover something new or revisit what you already love about yourself. Or take a different path each time you connect. Whichever path you take, just remember, it can always get better.

Kinkly Staff

Sex is a bit like a secret society; everyone's doing it, it's just that no one talks about it. Kinkly's mission is to start that conversation, answer your questions and help you discover new and exciting things about sex, love and your body. We guarantee it'll be illuminating, enlightening, fun ... and a little kinky. And that's OK with us.No innuendos, no judgments and no apologies, just fearless, straight-up talk about sex.

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