What It Means to Be Demisexual

While many people have positive feelings towards their partners and lovers, which serve as a major plus for arousal, there are others whose erotic-response-cycle responds primarily to those they feel a deep emotional connection to. This is called demisexuality.

Like many sexual orientations, demisexuality isn’t always as that simple. Many who identify as demisexuals have a wide range of people and situations they may, or may not sexually respond to, as well as an equally broad spectrum of how great or little they respond when an attraction is present.

In a nutshell, demisexuality is basically about needing to an emotional connection with someone before becoming turned on to them.

Here's is a look at demisexuality, some of the forms it can take, how to maybe recognize this orientation in yourself, and, for those of us who consider ourselves wired this way, some positive coping mechanisms when you feel the world just doesn’t get you.

The World of Types, Styles, and More

Demisexuality is often considered a kind of sideways part of asexuality, due to the fact that demisexuals don’t usual get sexually excited by anything, or anyone, except those they have a good connection with.

Categorizing demisexuality in this way leaves out those who feel sexual arousal, pleasurably masturbate, and even engage in casual sex, but who only find truly satisfying experiences with those they care about.

It is also important to note that demisexuals are not automatically attracted to every person they have an emotional connection with. It simply means that demisexuals need to have an emotional bond with someone before feeling sexually attracted to them.

Furthermore, some demisexuals find they can develop sexual attraction to any person, while other demisexuals only develop erotic attraction to certain genders.

There really isn’t a concrete definition of what a demisexual is or isn’t, beyond needing that positive connection to someone.

For example, there are people who have adopted the term semisexuality for themselves, while others still have begun to use gray-asexuals. Both of these identifiers recognize the idea that, for this person, sex isn’t a simple on-and-off mechanism, thus semi or gray.

By the way, someone’s even created a flag for demisexuality (pictured below) and, with it’s white, black, gray, and purple it’s actually quite striking.

Read: Why Even Straight People Should Explore Their Sexuality

Am I a Demisexual?

Due to the fluidity of sexual orientations, looking at who and when you get turned on for signs that you might be demisexual can be a tad tricky.

This is not because it is difficult to recognize sexual arousal due to caring for someone, but rather the opposite: most people, at one time or another, find themselves getting turned on by someone they’re fond of. A lot of it due to comfort, finding themselves safe and so relaxed in their presence, which can lead our minds to wonder about sex with that person.

Because of this, it might instead be more helpful to look at what your preferred sexual encounters look like or even taking a look back at your sexual history for when, and with who, your best sexual experiences were.