Welcome to the Dungeon: How to Join the BDSM Community

So, you’ve been reading a lot of good books and looking at a lot of great sites (ahem). Maybe you’ve even tried some kinky play on your own, but you know that there’s more out there: an entire world of clubs, classes, events, and - best of all - lots of potential playmates.

So how do you go from here, where you are, to there, where all those kinky people are? In other words, how do you actually join the BDSM community? The good news is that it’s a lot easier than you think - though there are still some valuable lessons to be learned before, during and after you put on your fetish gear and join in.

Understanding What’s Real and What Isn’t

One of the biggest hurdles many people face when they begin their search for their place in the kink scene is letting go of the what they think the community is. You can’t really blame them: when it comes to BDSM, the mainstream media gets more wrong than it does right.

That book - "Fifty Shades of Grey," if you have to ask - is also partially to blame, painting as it does a lifestyle that is closer to emotional and physical abuse than to the reality of being a member of the BDSM community. Not that other fiction authors have done a much better job. They, too, often ditch crucial things like negotiation and gloss over consent for the sake or erotic intensity.

We wish I could say that I’ve avoided these kinds of mistakes in our own writings, but … well, we can’t. In our defense, and weirdly in defense of "Fifty Shades," they’re fiction: which gets us to the crux of it all.

While we might enjoy the illusions of what the kink world is, it’s crucial to remember that these books, movies, and such are not reality; just the way we can’t expect Wakanda to be real - and to out ourselves not just as kinky, but as Marvel nerds.

When you make that decision to find your place in the BDSM world, try not to bring expectations along with you. Instead, take it slow, take it steady, and do your best to walk into it with your eyes open.

A Real World Full of Real People

Another common hurdle is that people sometimes expect the BDSM community to be the solution to all of their kinky troubles. They expect it to be a black leather utopia free of conflict and mistakes. When something does go wrong, they don’t just run for the door. They also slam it shut behind them.

Like the term BDSM itself, the kink community is vast and almost infinitely variable. There are subsets within subsets of interests and activities. If there’s one consistent thing through the entirely of the community, it's that it’s made up of people. People can be caring, loving, tender, infuriating, rude, intolerant and everything between.

That being said, the BDSM community really does try to be inclusive and welcoming. In fact, we seriously recommend that when you do go to your first meeting or event be upfront and clear about your experiences, as little as they might be.

Again, it’s hard to be universal. Yet, in our experience, people new to the kink world have pretty much always been treated with kindness and care, especially as the scene 1) tries to make a good impression and 2) knows that by doing so they might add a new member to the community.

The only times we’ve personally experienced someone who isn’t treated well is when they’ve arrived weighed down with either bigotry or arrogance. Perhaps even worse is when they come thinking the BDSM world is going to be some kind of free flowing orgy where sex is there for asking - or grabbing.

So, Where Is This Community Located?

So how to you find the BDSM community? One of the best resources to find your part of the BDSM community is online, through sites site like The Cage (which is free and anonymous), as well as doing a simple search for “BDSM Events” in your area.

Online communities are a great place to get started in the world of BDSM. The anonymity of a username can help pacify the anxiety for first time kinksters trying to navigate a new world. Sites like The Cage, feature blogs and forums that allow you to interact with other members. It gives you the ability to safely ask questions and find the answers you really want to know.

It's important to note that not all BDSM community sites are created equal. Look for high quality communities, like The Cage, that have moderators to keep the scammers and trolls away.

We can’t stress this next point enough: we do not recommend looking on social media sites like Facebook. It is far too easy to accidentally out yourself to everyone on your network. It is much better to use closed systems, like The Cage.

How to Behave

When you're ready to brave the offline BDSM community, we newbies begin by dipping their toes - and perhaps other body parts - into more social activities like kink-friendly classes, community orientations, and especially munches. The latter is a get-together of BDSM folks, usually held at a public restaurant or coffee joint.